Who Says You Can't Go Home?

This weekend I spent one of the days looking for a house in my hometown. The town that I grew up in, the town that I was ready to leave to go off to college 20 years ago. It felt familiar to me driving the streets with my best friend, recognizing roads and homes from long ago classmates. It also felt very strange to think that I am planning on leaving the life that I built with my husband and moving my kids and myself to be closer to my parents.

Leaving the life...being forced to leave the life... Either way you put it, the end is inevitable. We can not afford to keep the house that we bought over four and a half years ago. The house that my children have grown up in, the house that I adored and envisioned many years of happiness in. With the beautiful staircase that my daughter would walk down in her prom gown and my husband and I would look at her with pride while her date would be standing awkwardly next to us. None of the dreams that I made for us in this house will be coming true. For now I know that my husband hasn't envisioned himself in any of these dreams. He's been dreaming of a separate life, one that he's made up all on his own.

Every day that I spend in this house now is torture. Once so proud to walk from room to room, and dream of little projects to do to make the house our home, now I try not to gaze around too much. This doesn't feel like home any more to me. It feels like an albatross around my neck which will be impossible to get rid of. Will we be able to sell it over the summer before the kids start a new school year? I have no idea. Will we go into further debt trying to carry this house as well as my husband's apartment which he'll move into in May? My stomach gets an even bigger knot in it, enlarging the constant one that's been there since he told me his news. The agony of not knowing what the future will bring is horrible. And I'm having a hard time just letting go and saying what will happen will happen and riding this hard time out. Instead I obsessively research selling houses and buying a new one. Checking the real estate listings and calling on for sale by owners. There's not much on the market in my hometown and when you consider the budget that I have to work with, there's only a few to even look at. One home that I was so excited about yesterday was instead a disappointment today and another dead end. Should I even be looking at houses when I don't have my own house even listed yet? Probably not but I do have a realtor coming this week. I scheduled it when the kids are in school. They still have no idea that Daddy moving out means that we, too, will have to move. And when the day comes to tell them that, I know my heart will be broken into even smaller pieces.

Yesterday I chose love for myself and my children. Today I choose hate and bitterness and betrayal. I could barely even look at my husband today and never said a word unless it was in front of the kids. I don't know if he can feel my seething resentment and anger towards him but if he can, it doesn't seem to bother him at all. And once again I'm left wondering who the hell is this person that I now find myself married to? Has he always been this person and just hid it well? Or has he completely given up any honor and goodness and love?

In weak moments, I log in to match.com and look at the photos on there trying to envision myself with someone else. My skin crawls just thinking about it. Bringing a man into the lives of my children seems like an additional betrayal to them. They have a father, he's just chosen not to be a family with me anymore. A few days ago when my husband and I were arguing about having to sell our house or not, I said that we had to sell both financially and for the fact that it's too big to keep up on my own. He said that it wouldn't have to be done completely on my own. "Will you come over and help out then," I asked. "Well, I'm hoping that you're not going to stay a dried up old spinster for long," was his response. Again, I am flabbergasted by his callousness towards me. The person that he swore to love and honor. The person that bore his two children and kept the home fires burning during two deployments.

I wish for one hour I could get off this horror ride that I'm on right now and get some relief. But every waking hour is spent with some piece of my mind worried about the future. Thankfully I have both friends and family to lean on. I wonder how other women handle this without the strong support system that I have. May peace be with them all.