Since I've told people about my divorce, I've gotten six free meals and loads of compliments over how much weight I've lost. 'What's your secret?', they ask, 'South beach?' Uh no, it's stress and I wouldn't recommend it.
My boss has been extra nice and caring and will chat for a half hour at the end of each day to ask me how I'm doing. I get texts from friends checking in on me, my mom has made me dozens of home-cooked meals and walked with me in the woods countless times. Neighbors ask if they can help with the kids and friends from states away can almost seem to sense when they should do a check-in to say, 'How are you doing?' My sister answers my calls and my texts at any time of day or night and is always there to lend her ear or to put her own hilarious sarcastic spin on the situation. My children give me extra hugs and will snuggle with me on the couch for hours.
Today, sitting at my desk, I got an email notification stating that there is a new blogpost on my son's kindergarten website. I open the link and bam, there's a picture of my sweet son in the clothes that he had on this morning playing with one of his friends. (I love 21st century parenting.) Immediately tears pop in my eyes. I love my kids, they are my world, just seeing an unexpected picture of them is enough to cause a lump in my throat.
This crap with my husband has taught me that he's no friend of mine and doesn't have my back, doesn't have my best interests at heart but there are a lot of other people who are and do and as long as I still have them and my childen standing by my side, I'm a very lucky woman.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
How Do You Know
How do you know if someone is a horrible fucking person or maybe you're just upset because he's betrayed you? Where do you draw the line between he's wronged me and he has no redeeming qualities? What's the tipping point on the scale to convince you that yes, he's a waste of space and maybe it's not just you and your broken heart prejudice?
I struggle daily with how much I should hate my husband. He's cheated on me, lied to me, filed divorce papers without even telling me, lied to our children and caused them so much pain and confusion. But then I think, well, isn't this normal for divorce? There always has to be some animosity, this is why you're getting a divorce, maybe I can let go of some of the hate. But what's the limit on the bullshit that you'll tolerate because you might just be crying sour grapes since he's divorcing you?
He's had an affair for a year and a half. Does that make him a horrible person or is it just my warped filter?
My husband's mother has a tumor and he wouldn't call her to ask about her diagnosis because he 'knew she would only want to talk about the kids and how they are doing with him moving out'. Does that make him a horrible person or is it just my warped filter?
He refused to answer a text from one of his oldest friends because 'he didn't know what to say to him' about our separation. He couldn't face telling this friend what the circumstances are. Does that make him a horrible person or is it just my warped filter?
He told his sister that he couldn't go to their mother's doctor appointments because his schedule was getting full with court dates. (I've had none so whose divorce court is he going to?) Does that make him a horrible person or is it just my warped filter?
He refuses to discuss or try to agree on visitation or child support and says the court will recommend something. Does that make him a horrible person or is it just my warped filter?
He had a profile on Adult Friend Finder and exchanged nude photos (and God only know what else) with countless women. Does that make him a horrible person or is it just my warped filter?
He responded to various Craigslists ads soliciting sex with photos of his face and his genitals (from his personal email account which clearly has his name on it). Does that make him a horrible person or is it just my warped filter?
I know I'm always going to think the worst of him now but I'm having a hard time reconciling what's normal divorce behavior and what's 'how can this person even live with himself' behavior. Can you ever be an impartial jury to the spouse that ripped your heart out and upended your children's lives?
I struggle daily with how much I should hate my husband. He's cheated on me, lied to me, filed divorce papers without even telling me, lied to our children and caused them so much pain and confusion. But then I think, well, isn't this normal for divorce? There always has to be some animosity, this is why you're getting a divorce, maybe I can let go of some of the hate. But what's the limit on the bullshit that you'll tolerate because you might just be crying sour grapes since he's divorcing you?
He's had an affair for a year and a half. Does that make him a horrible person or is it just my warped filter?
My husband's mother has a tumor and he wouldn't call her to ask about her diagnosis because he 'knew she would only want to talk about the kids and how they are doing with him moving out'. Does that make him a horrible person or is it just my warped filter?
He refused to answer a text from one of his oldest friends because 'he didn't know what to say to him' about our separation. He couldn't face telling this friend what the circumstances are. Does that make him a horrible person or is it just my warped filter?
He told his sister that he couldn't go to their mother's doctor appointments because his schedule was getting full with court dates. (I've had none so whose divorce court is he going to?) Does that make him a horrible person or is it just my warped filter?
He refuses to discuss or try to agree on visitation or child support and says the court will recommend something. Does that make him a horrible person or is it just my warped filter?
He had a profile on Adult Friend Finder and exchanged nude photos (and God only know what else) with countless women. Does that make him a horrible person or is it just my warped filter?
He responded to various Craigslists ads soliciting sex with photos of his face and his genitals (from his personal email account which clearly has his name on it). Does that make him a horrible person or is it just my warped filter?
I know I'm always going to think the worst of him now but I'm having a hard time reconciling what's normal divorce behavior and what's 'how can this person even live with himself' behavior. Can you ever be an impartial jury to the spouse that ripped your heart out and upended your children's lives?
Sunday, April 28, 2013
The Kids Will Be Alright?
My kids have said so many things through this whole thing that have made me proud, made my heart ache and made me think that they are wise beyond their years.
'Why are our lives so stupid right now?', asked my eight-year old daughter.
After telling them that their grandmother is very ill, my six-year old son said, 'So we have two things going on in our lives right now.... Daddy leaving and Grandma being sick.'
'I'm just like Jake now. I don't have a real Daddy anymore,' said my son. As much as I tried to tell him that he still has a real Daddy, he just doesn't live with us anymore, my son insisted that he doesn't have a real Daddy.
'When you remarry, we'll have another Daddy,' said my son. Wow, talk about jumping ahead. I'm not even divorced yet.
'Daddy can take the computer desk in the playroom. You never liked that in there anyway,' said my daughter. Very true.
After my daughter's birthday luncheon celebration, she kissed my husband goodbye and we got in our separate cars and drove away. My daughter asked on the way home, 'Why can't we be a normal family?' As much as I tried to tell her that families come in all different forms, she insisted that a normal family has a mother and father who live together. Not a fun talk to have on her birthday.
'Can we see Daddy every other weekend? That's what Emily does,' said my daughter.
After telling my kids that they need to tell me when they are feeling sad or angry, my daughter said, 'What if we're at Daddy's and we're feeling sad?' I said they could call me if they wanted to. She said, 'What if he doesn't let us use his phone?' I said I would get them their own phone so they could always call me. She was quite excited at the thought of her own cell phone.
After telling my kids for the thousandth time that they still have a daddy, my son said, 'Yes, we just won't see him very often.'
How can a Mother's heart handle her children's pain, pain caused by the selfishness of their father? I don't know but I am finding out. You reassure them as much as you can, be matter of fact and unemotional. Every action or thing you say is absorbed by your children. I vow that I will be the better person, the better parent, because I refuse to be the reason behind any more pain and confusion in my children's lives.
'Why are our lives so stupid right now?', asked my eight-year old daughter.
After telling them that their grandmother is very ill, my six-year old son said, 'So we have two things going on in our lives right now.... Daddy leaving and Grandma being sick.'
'I'm just like Jake now. I don't have a real Daddy anymore,' said my son. As much as I tried to tell him that he still has a real Daddy, he just doesn't live with us anymore, my son insisted that he doesn't have a real Daddy.
'When you remarry, we'll have another Daddy,' said my son. Wow, talk about jumping ahead. I'm not even divorced yet.
'Daddy can take the computer desk in the playroom. You never liked that in there anyway,' said my daughter. Very true.
After my daughter's birthday luncheon celebration, she kissed my husband goodbye and we got in our separate cars and drove away. My daughter asked on the way home, 'Why can't we be a normal family?' As much as I tried to tell her that families come in all different forms, she insisted that a normal family has a mother and father who live together. Not a fun talk to have on her birthday.
'Can we see Daddy every other weekend? That's what Emily does,' said my daughter.
After telling my kids that they need to tell me when they are feeling sad or angry, my daughter said, 'What if we're at Daddy's and we're feeling sad?' I said they could call me if they wanted to. She said, 'What if he doesn't let us use his phone?' I said I would get them their own phone so they could always call me. She was quite excited at the thought of her own cell phone.
After telling my kids for the thousandth time that they still have a daddy, my son said, 'Yes, we just won't see him very often.'
How can a Mother's heart handle her children's pain, pain caused by the selfishness of their father? I don't know but I am finding out. You reassure them as much as you can, be matter of fact and unemotional. Every action or thing you say is absorbed by your children. I vow that I will be the better person, the better parent, because I refuse to be the reason behind any more pain and confusion in my children's lives.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
A Catalog to Remind Myself
I'm still in the anger stage on my journey. Anger like I've never felt before anger. Anger like I didn't know I was capable of anger. And then comes the hatred like I've never experienced hatred. Hatred like I'm capable of killing him if I knew I could get away with it hatred. I used to think I was a good person but now I'm not so sure because I am seething with some not so good emotions right now.
As I struggle with overcoming these emotions, I force myself to remember that he's a pile of dog crap on my shoes and not worth my time or thoughts. I try to do a catalog of some of the shitty things that he's done in the past few years (other than screwing another woman of course) to remind myself that he really does not matter at all.
He promised our six-year old son last fall that he would be his on-field soccer coach. Aw, a father and son bonding experience, I thought happily. Well, the father and son bonding experience turned into my husband walking off the field one evening because he felt he was being 'left out' by the other coaches because he wasn't 'one of the cool parents'. Seriously? 'You're going to go back out on the field, right?' I asked. Nope, he was done for the year because they made him feel bad about himself. So I had to take up his slack and finish off the season. I never told our son or our friends who noticed my husband's absence the real reason why. I said that he had hurt his back and he couldn't do it any longer. Covering for him because that's what I do.
One evening a few months ago my husband kissed the kids goodnight and our six year old son did something (I never found out what) to make my husband mad. My husband left the house without telling anyone and when I noticed he was gone, I asked the kids what happened and they said they didn't know and where was Daddy? They were upset that he had left without saying anything. I had to say that Daddy must have had to go back to work for a while. Covering for him because that's what I do.
Countless times my husband got out of work before I did and instead of picking up the kids, he would head straight home. A few times a friend would notice that he was home and would comment to me that she saw he was there but I was still the one to get the kids. 'He's making supper,' I would say, 'he didn't have a chance to pick them up.' Covering for him because that's what I do.
Now let's get to the part that involves his 'lady' friend. Almost every single weekend for the last year and a half, my husband has said that he was going to ride his motorcycle or go to his friend's house to watch football. Stupidly I kissed him goodbye and said 'Have fun' as I told the kids that we were on our own that day and maybe we could go to the movies or to the mall and yes, we would have a good day. Covering for him because that's what I do.
Well, the covering for him has ended. I will not make up any more excuses for him to our children, our friends, our family, to anyone. My role in this deception is over. Maybe he will become a better person without me there to always pick up the slack. Maybe I've been the problem all along because he knew I would be there to pick up the pieces. Maybe he'll man up and become the father that I always fooled myself into thinking he was or wanting him to be. Maybe, but I doubt it, and that's why I have to overcome this anger and hatred because we all are who we are and there's no changing that. I'm hoping the next step on this journey is acceptance and I'll see the sign soon that says 'Destination Ahead'.
As I struggle with overcoming these emotions, I force myself to remember that he's a pile of dog crap on my shoes and not worth my time or thoughts. I try to do a catalog of some of the shitty things that he's done in the past few years (other than screwing another woman of course) to remind myself that he really does not matter at all.
He promised our six-year old son last fall that he would be his on-field soccer coach. Aw, a father and son bonding experience, I thought happily. Well, the father and son bonding experience turned into my husband walking off the field one evening because he felt he was being 'left out' by the other coaches because he wasn't 'one of the cool parents'. Seriously? 'You're going to go back out on the field, right?' I asked. Nope, he was done for the year because they made him feel bad about himself. So I had to take up his slack and finish off the season. I never told our son or our friends who noticed my husband's absence the real reason why. I said that he had hurt his back and he couldn't do it any longer. Covering for him because that's what I do.
One evening a few months ago my husband kissed the kids goodnight and our six year old son did something (I never found out what) to make my husband mad. My husband left the house without telling anyone and when I noticed he was gone, I asked the kids what happened and they said they didn't know and where was Daddy? They were upset that he had left without saying anything. I had to say that Daddy must have had to go back to work for a while. Covering for him because that's what I do.
Countless times my husband got out of work before I did and instead of picking up the kids, he would head straight home. A few times a friend would notice that he was home and would comment to me that she saw he was there but I was still the one to get the kids. 'He's making supper,' I would say, 'he didn't have a chance to pick them up.' Covering for him because that's what I do.
Now let's get to the part that involves his 'lady' friend. Almost every single weekend for the last year and a half, my husband has said that he was going to ride his motorcycle or go to his friend's house to watch football. Stupidly I kissed him goodbye and said 'Have fun' as I told the kids that we were on our own that day and maybe we could go to the movies or to the mall and yes, we would have a good day. Covering for him because that's what I do.
Well, the covering for him has ended. I will not make up any more excuses for him to our children, our friends, our family, to anyone. My role in this deception is over. Maybe he will become a better person without me there to always pick up the slack. Maybe I've been the problem all along because he knew I would be there to pick up the pieces. Maybe he'll man up and become the father that I always fooled myself into thinking he was or wanting him to be. Maybe, but I doubt it, and that's why I have to overcome this anger and hatred because we all are who we are and there's no changing that. I'm hoping the next step on this journey is acceptance and I'll see the sign soon that says 'Destination Ahead'.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Two Sides To Every Story
I recently made a comment on an article about infidelity on a news site. I said that my husband had cheated on me and how devastating it is for myself and potentially for my children. Someone actually had the nerve to tell me that there are two sides to every story. Two sides to every story? Unless one of those sides involves my husband being hypnotized which forced him to slip his dick into another woman, I don't want to hear that trite excuse. There are a few things that you take for granted in life. One is if you show up at work, you will get paid. Another is if you're married, you will not have to be tested for STDs. I don't think that's an unrealistic expectation to have of marriage. I wasn't looking for guaranteed happiness. I was just looking to not have to pee in a cup and worry about having HIV or chlamydia.
There are two sides to every story. Two sides to every argument. But when the story is your husband slept with another woman while he was married to you, the only story IS that your husband slept with another woman while he was married to you. That's the only story that matters. Anything else is just bullshit.
Let's say that you walk into a store and you see something that you want. You don't have enough money for it so you put it in your pocket and you walk out the door. Is there a second side to that story? Maybe you really wanted what you took. Maybe the cashier gave you a dirty look when you walked in and you took the item for payback. Is that a second side to this story? No, there's only one side to this story. What you did was wrong and there's no excuse.
You can not live without breathing. You can not live without eating and drinking. You can live without sex, especially for a finite amount of time. The amount of time needed to walk away honorably from your spouse and get a goddamn divorce. There is no other side to the story of cheating. No side that says that you need to have sex in order to go on. I don't accept that bullshit at all. That's ridiculous. If you're married to somebody and you're not happy, then you need to just walk away from your marriage and don't slip your dick into another woman and claim there are two sides to every story.
There are two sides to every story. Two sides to every argument. But when the story is your husband slept with another woman while he was married to you, the only story IS that your husband slept with another woman while he was married to you. That's the only story that matters. Anything else is just bullshit.
Let's say that you walk into a store and you see something that you want. You don't have enough money for it so you put it in your pocket and you walk out the door. Is there a second side to that story? Maybe you really wanted what you took. Maybe the cashier gave you a dirty look when you walked in and you took the item for payback. Is that a second side to this story? No, there's only one side to this story. What you did was wrong and there's no excuse.
You can not live without breathing. You can not live without eating and drinking. You can live without sex, especially for a finite amount of time. The amount of time needed to walk away honorably from your spouse and get a goddamn divorce. There is no other side to the story of cheating. No side that says that you need to have sex in order to go on. I don't accept that bullshit at all. That's ridiculous. If you're married to somebody and you're not happy, then you need to just walk away from your marriage and don't slip your dick into another woman and claim there are two sides to every story.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Prince Charming
Do I believe there is only one Prince Charming for every heroine in the world? No, I think there are likely several people that you can be happy and content with. I just happened to find my starter husband first, the warm up act. When I'm ready, I believe there is a man who will make me smile and feel cherished and treasured. And I'll have something to test that feeling against by what I've experienced in this relationship recently. The feeling of being alone even though someone is sitting right next to you on the couch or in the car. The feeling that it's too much trouble to tell him about your day because you know he won't really be listening anyway or somehow it will be turned around so it ends up being about how hard his day was. The feeling that something is off but you really don't know what it is. A growing unease about your life and preparing yourself for something when you don't know what that something is. Lying in bed at night alone because he's late again and starting to cry for no reason other than knowing something is really not right in your marriage but you have no idea why.
Since my husband has moved out, I've been lonely but it's also a taste of freedom. Living with someone who doesn't want to be there is exhausting work. You carry the majority of the load but you don't even know you're doing it. You just keep trudging through day to day, living with the stranger that you used to be so close to.
Yes, I'm lonely now but I also feel lighter. It's amazing the liberation that comes when the person who doesn't want to be there isn't there anymore. No more awkward silences or watching him, trying to figure out what's going on. There's just me here now and I'm in charge of my happiness and my life.
The next time I find my Prince Charming I'm going to be wiser and trust the feelings that I have instead of shoving them aside and convincing myself that everything is okay. I believe I will one day have that man who wants to hear about my day and never makes me feel alone even though he's sitting right there next to me. I have hope for the future that he's out there and when I'm ready he will find me. And yes, I said 'he will find me' because I'm confident in my value now and I know that I'm worth looking for.
Since my husband has moved out, I've been lonely but it's also a taste of freedom. Living with someone who doesn't want to be there is exhausting work. You carry the majority of the load but you don't even know you're doing it. You just keep trudging through day to day, living with the stranger that you used to be so close to.
Yes, I'm lonely now but I also feel lighter. It's amazing the liberation that comes when the person who doesn't want to be there isn't there anymore. No more awkward silences or watching him, trying to figure out what's going on. There's just me here now and I'm in charge of my happiness and my life.
The next time I find my Prince Charming I'm going to be wiser and trust the feelings that I have instead of shoving them aside and convincing myself that everything is okay. I believe I will one day have that man who wants to hear about my day and never makes me feel alone even though he's sitting right there next to me. I have hope for the future that he's out there and when I'm ready he will find me. And yes, I said 'he will find me' because I'm confident in my value now and I know that I'm worth looking for.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Might I Recommend A Filter Next Time?
Now that I'm a little removed from the situation, I can look back and scratch my head or roll my eyes over some of the things that my husband said to me during this whole debacle.
"I can't go cold turkey and not see her. I'm serious about her." Okay, you do realize that you're speaking to your wife here about your girlfriend. Did that sound better in your head?
"I need someone that I can have deep conversations with." Yes, I'm sure she appreciates your brain that was slowly refined by your six-year plan for college (and that academic suspension.) Do you discuss the Ottoman Empire or perhaps you just stick with psychological ways to torment your wife?
"We're in a stable relationship." Again, you do realize you're speaking to your wife about your girlfriend, right? There's nothing in this equation that equals stable.
"I'm going to give you the money you need. Trust me." Hahaha, that's a good one.
"I would never do anything to hurt our kids." That ship has already sailed unfortunately.
"She has a good job but she's got a lot of student loans." Oh, poor thing, my sympathies about the cost of higher education in this country.
"I'm not giving you back the key to the house. My name is on the mortgage too. Do you want a key to my apartment and I can put your name on the lease too?" Yes, because that's exactly what people do when they are divorcing, they rent property together.
"I don't hate you." Well, that's a relief.
"I can't go cold turkey and not see her. I'm serious about her." Okay, you do realize that you're speaking to your wife here about your girlfriend. Did that sound better in your head?
"I need someone that I can have deep conversations with." Yes, I'm sure she appreciates your brain that was slowly refined by your six-year plan for college (and that academic suspension.) Do you discuss the Ottoman Empire or perhaps you just stick with psychological ways to torment your wife?
"We're in a stable relationship." Again, you do realize you're speaking to your wife about your girlfriend, right? There's nothing in this equation that equals stable.
"I'm going to give you the money you need. Trust me." Hahaha, that's a good one.
"I would never do anything to hurt our kids." That ship has already sailed unfortunately.
"She has a good job but she's got a lot of student loans." Oh, poor thing, my sympathies about the cost of higher education in this country.
"I'm not giving you back the key to the house. My name is on the mortgage too. Do you want a key to my apartment and I can put your name on the lease too?" Yes, because that's exactly what people do when they are divorcing, they rent property together.
"I don't hate you." Well, that's a relief.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Make Me A Match
When I'm feeling most alone and pathetic, undesirable and unloved (usually after the kids go to bed and the house falls silent), I pull up match.com and start to look at the other hopeful (desperate?) people out there looking for their mate. Right away you can file them in a few categories: ewwww (username - passionatehorny or 10inches. Seriously, aren't they on the wrong site?); serial killer (some of those pictures - yikes) and the final category (maybe this guy is normal?).
I haven't turned on my profile yet. It's still hidden so nobody can see me cyberstalking them. At this point I'm not ready to be out there dating. I'm still married, that's just wrong. Then I think why didn't that stop my husband? I guess my moral compass speaks louder than his.
I keep a list of the guys that seem to have qualities I'm looking for. Anyone that says honest gets bonus points and someone who mentions that his wife or girlfriend cheated on him gets sympathy points. Anyone who loves kids and dogs gets on the short list and if they talk about doing projects around the home, I'm almost temped to press the 'wink' button.
These men on my list have no idea that they've given this woman who's been dealt such a blow a little bit of hope. I'll probably never contact them, I'm not sure online dating is in my future. But, if I could, I would tell them thank you for creating your profiles and letting me see that there are other fish in the sea besides the shark that I caught who almost swallowed me whole and then spit me out in several pieces.
I haven't turned on my profile yet. It's still hidden so nobody can see me cyberstalking them. At this point I'm not ready to be out there dating. I'm still married, that's just wrong. Then I think why didn't that stop my husband? I guess my moral compass speaks louder than his.
I keep a list of the guys that seem to have qualities I'm looking for. Anyone that says honest gets bonus points and someone who mentions that his wife or girlfriend cheated on him gets sympathy points. Anyone who loves kids and dogs gets on the short list and if they talk about doing projects around the home, I'm almost temped to press the 'wink' button.
These men on my list have no idea that they've given this woman who's been dealt such a blow a little bit of hope. I'll probably never contact them, I'm not sure online dating is in my future. But, if I could, I would tell them thank you for creating your profiles and letting me see that there are other fish in the sea besides the shark that I caught who almost swallowed me whole and then spit me out in several pieces.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Dealing with the Rage
The rage boils in me often throughout the day. When I'm not busy enough to keep my mind off what's happening in my life, what's out of my control, the rage bubbles up inside of me and threatens to overflow. Will we have to sell our house? Will my children have to change schools? Will my children be okay through all of this? Will my husband end up the winner in the race to happiness? How could he do this to us? When I let my mind wander, then I start to lose control on the reins of the rage.
My counselor sent me a link for a book about dealing with anger. Angry? Me? Really? I had no idea that I was having issues dealing with my anger. I'm shocked since I only imagine gutting my husband 8 times a day and I thought the cutoff for angry was 9. What a surprise.
I don't know why I should be angry. There are so many fun things that I've discovered after being hit by the infidelity bus.
My husband is a cheat and a pathological liar based on many months of working hard at hiding his dirty little secret. And yet I'm the one in therapy trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. He's the cheater and liar and I'm in counseling. Ironic.
I'm the wronged party here yet I have to be strong for my children and keep up the front that Daddy is still daddy (even though all Mommy can see is a pile of shit in front of her).
Pre-bomb drop day I would spend a lot of time browsing the Internet trying to decide which rug or lamp to buy for a room that I had recently painted. Now my time is spent reading divorce blogs or looking at self-help websites - 'how to heal after finding out about infidelity', 'why do husbands cheat', 'how to co-parent with the ex you can't stand'. I'd much prefer looking at Pottery Barn to googling 'will my husband find happiness with his skanky whore'.
My husband is the one who should be hiding in a hole somewhere and yet I'm the one that feels like never leaving the house because God forbid, someone ask me the simple question of "How are you?" and I have to bite my tongue to speak from answering honestly.
At this point, I'm not ready to buy that book on dealing with anger. I'm holding my anger and rage close to me, they are what get me through the days. Without those feelings, I'm worried that I'll descend into sadness again over everything that we've lost. I can handle my counselor sending me a link to a book about anger but I can not face her sending me a link to a book about depression.
My counselor sent me a link for a book about dealing with anger. Angry? Me? Really? I had no idea that I was having issues dealing with my anger. I'm shocked since I only imagine gutting my husband 8 times a day and I thought the cutoff for angry was 9. What a surprise.
I don't know why I should be angry. There are so many fun things that I've discovered after being hit by the infidelity bus.
My husband is a cheat and a pathological liar based on many months of working hard at hiding his dirty little secret. And yet I'm the one in therapy trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. He's the cheater and liar and I'm in counseling. Ironic.
I'm the wronged party here yet I have to be strong for my children and keep up the front that Daddy is still daddy (even though all Mommy can see is a pile of shit in front of her).
Pre-bomb drop day I would spend a lot of time browsing the Internet trying to decide which rug or lamp to buy for a room that I had recently painted. Now my time is spent reading divorce blogs or looking at self-help websites - 'how to heal after finding out about infidelity', 'why do husbands cheat', 'how to co-parent with the ex you can't stand'. I'd much prefer looking at Pottery Barn to googling 'will my husband find happiness with his skanky whore'.
My husband is the one who should be hiding in a hole somewhere and yet I'm the one that feels like never leaving the house because God forbid, someone ask me the simple question of "How are you?" and I have to bite my tongue to speak from answering honestly.
At this point, I'm not ready to buy that book on dealing with anger. I'm holding my anger and rage close to me, they are what get me through the days. Without those feelings, I'm worried that I'll descend into sadness again over everything that we've lost. I can handle my counselor sending me a link to a book about anger but I can not face her sending me a link to a book about depression.
Friday, April 19, 2013
A Divorce Intervention? WHAT?
I've only confided in a few people in my community that my husband and I are separating. A few close friends, my neighbor and the parents of one of my son's friends. I have not shared any specific details even though I was close to boarding that plane to Crazytown a few times.
At the bus stop one morning, my neighbor said, "I don't know if I should tell you this or not but I got an interesting call the other night." And then she proceeded to tell me that the call was from the father of my son's friend. The person that I had told about the separation. This person hardly has any connection to my neighbor other than knowing she lives near me. He asked my neighbor what they could do to help us out with our situation. He said every marriage has issues and he hates to see a marriage fail so there must be something that they could do for us. My neighbor said it sounded like he wanted to do some type of intervention to help us out with our marital problems.
My immediate reaction was mortification. In a small way it's very sweet to think that he wants to help us out but it's also extremely presumptive for him to believe that he can do anything about the situation. I have no idea if this person is religious or not but I can only assume that's the case and he believes that he has a direct connection to Jesus who will appear at the intervention and knock some sense into my husband and I. I would love to enlighten this person about the truth behind this divorce but I'm fearful if he does have a direct connection to Jesus, he will die of a heart attack once I share my husband's hobbies from the last few years.
Thankfully, the phone call to my neighbor ended without a date for this intervention but I won't be accepting any invitations to local gatherings anytime soon. I can imagine walking into someone's house and a whole crowd yelling, "Surprise, we're here to help you save your marriage!" (Do they yell 'surprise' at an intervention? Probably not but it would add a festive air, wouldn't it?)
I'm anxious to see what the next few weeks will bring. This has been just one good time after another. Thank you dear husband, divorce is the gift that keeps on giving.
At the bus stop one morning, my neighbor said, "I don't know if I should tell you this or not but I got an interesting call the other night." And then she proceeded to tell me that the call was from the father of my son's friend. The person that I had told about the separation. This person hardly has any connection to my neighbor other than knowing she lives near me. He asked my neighbor what they could do to help us out with our situation. He said every marriage has issues and he hates to see a marriage fail so there must be something that they could do for us. My neighbor said it sounded like he wanted to do some type of intervention to help us out with our marital problems.
My immediate reaction was mortification. In a small way it's very sweet to think that he wants to help us out but it's also extremely presumptive for him to believe that he can do anything about the situation. I have no idea if this person is religious or not but I can only assume that's the case and he believes that he has a direct connection to Jesus who will appear at the intervention and knock some sense into my husband and I. I would love to enlighten this person about the truth behind this divorce but I'm fearful if he does have a direct connection to Jesus, he will die of a heart attack once I share my husband's hobbies from the last few years.
Thankfully, the phone call to my neighbor ended without a date for this intervention but I won't be accepting any invitations to local gatherings anytime soon. I can imagine walking into someone's house and a whole crowd yelling, "Surprise, we're here to help you save your marriage!" (Do they yell 'surprise' at an intervention? Probably not but it would add a festive air, wouldn't it?)
I'm anxious to see what the next few weeks will bring. This has been just one good time after another. Thank you dear husband, divorce is the gift that keeps on giving.
Throwing It All Away
I look around my life and I wonder what was missing for him. The white picket fence? Because we had it all. The kids, the dog, jobs, the nice house, two cars, motorcycle, plenty of disposable income. What was missing that made him do what he did? You can drive yourself crazy thinking about that and I probably will. How could he, on the night he decided he was unhappy, go online and find a woman stupid enough to believe his lies about why he could only see her once a week when he was supposed to be out 'riding his motorcycle' or 'over at a friend's watching football'? What was missing to make him lie to his two little children and his wife each and very weekend, the web of deceit growing and growing for a year and a half? What was missing that made him date (DATE, even as I write that I think really, REALLY? WTF is wrong with him?) while he was still married? I won't even let my mind go past date now, it's way too disgusting. Was there really something missing or was it a sickness, an addiction that he couldn't control?
I have a need for understanding and I know that I will never get it. No closure about why he chose to destroy the life we had made. Or maybe it was the life that I had made and I wrongly assumed he wanted to be a part of it. I asked in counseling if I was really so horrible that he would give up so many things (his kids, his house, possibly his job) just to get away from me. He didn't answer and when the counselor prompted him, he still didn't answer. I think the silence spoke volumes.
I believe he is really escaping himself and it absolutely has nothing to do with me (even though his PowerPoint laid the blame completely at my feet for forcing him to make the choices that he did.) He's running away from life. He's throwing it all away to feed some sick part of himself that wasn't happy with the responsibilities that he had, that wasn't happy with being a grown up. It's the grass is alway greener mentality, the 'let's start fresh and see how great it'll be' way of thinking. He's a quitter, someone who was fine with saying 'This doesn't make me quite happy enough so I'm going to look for my Plan B before I throw out my Plan A.' And once he made that decision there was no thought to the devastation that he would be creating.
Why so many spouses cheat, I'll never understand. I blame it on cowardice and selfishness. Being too afraid to stand on their own two feet to walk away. They instead need something to walk towards. They're so wrapped up in themselves and their own weaknesses that they need to be buoyed by someone else. The spouses who are left behind, we stand all alone, on our own two feet. We have no Plan B already developed, nothing to run towards. We are left to forge a new path and that is why we will always be the stronger ones.
I've had a lot of time to think about what kind of person cheats and lies to his family for an extended period of time. A selfish person? An egotistical person? A person with low self esteem? A bad person? A person who measures high on the piece of shit scale? A mentally disturbed person? An abusive person? (Chump Lady equates infidelity with abuse and I can't say I disagree.) Possibly a twisted combination of all of these.
I know what kind of person cheaters are not though. Loving, kind, good, considerate, thoughtful, generous, family oriented. All these are qualities of the kind of people I want in my life and the lives of my children. So the next time I start feeling blue, I'm going to read this part of my post and remind myself of everything he is not instead of wondering about everything he is and why he did what he did.
I have a need for understanding and I know that I will never get it. No closure about why he chose to destroy the life we had made. Or maybe it was the life that I had made and I wrongly assumed he wanted to be a part of it. I asked in counseling if I was really so horrible that he would give up so many things (his kids, his house, possibly his job) just to get away from me. He didn't answer and when the counselor prompted him, he still didn't answer. I think the silence spoke volumes.
I believe he is really escaping himself and it absolutely has nothing to do with me (even though his PowerPoint laid the blame completely at my feet for forcing him to make the choices that he did.) He's running away from life. He's throwing it all away to feed some sick part of himself that wasn't happy with the responsibilities that he had, that wasn't happy with being a grown up. It's the grass is alway greener mentality, the 'let's start fresh and see how great it'll be' way of thinking. He's a quitter, someone who was fine with saying 'This doesn't make me quite happy enough so I'm going to look for my Plan B before I throw out my Plan A.' And once he made that decision there was no thought to the devastation that he would be creating.
Why so many spouses cheat, I'll never understand. I blame it on cowardice and selfishness. Being too afraid to stand on their own two feet to walk away. They instead need something to walk towards. They're so wrapped up in themselves and their own weaknesses that they need to be buoyed by someone else. The spouses who are left behind, we stand all alone, on our own two feet. We have no Plan B already developed, nothing to run towards. We are left to forge a new path and that is why we will always be the stronger ones.
I've had a lot of time to think about what kind of person cheats and lies to his family for an extended period of time. A selfish person? An egotistical person? A person with low self esteem? A bad person? A person who measures high on the piece of shit scale? A mentally disturbed person? An abusive person? (Chump Lady equates infidelity with abuse and I can't say I disagree.) Possibly a twisted combination of all of these.
I know what kind of person cheaters are not though. Loving, kind, good, considerate, thoughtful, generous, family oriented. All these are qualities of the kind of people I want in my life and the lives of my children. So the next time I start feeling blue, I'm going to read this part of my post and remind myself of everything he is not instead of wondering about everything he is and why he did what he did.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
And Then Things Got Ugly
I thought I had gotten off that plane to Crazytown. It turns out I was just on standby.
This week I had the pleasure of seeing my husband twice. Two nights in a row, how did I end up so lucky. After the kids went to bed (uh oh, the parenting through divorce class said don't do this), I asked my husband a question. 'Why is your paycheck less than it should be?'
He said, 'What?' I repeated the question. 'Oh, that wasn't supposed to happen until next month, it's for my rent,' he said.
'So you weren't going to tell me that I've got less money to pay our bills,' I stated. 'It was an honest mistake,' he said. I don't think my husband would recognize honest at this point if it walked up and introduced itself so pardon me for not being a believer.
I told him we needed to set up a temporary arrangement so I can depend on the money that I'm getting each month. And then the dance started about how he will take care of us but he's not signing anything and I said I don't trust anything he says and then he called me a vindictive bitch and I called him a piece of shit and things got ugly fast.
I didn't really board the flight to Crazytown until he said that I don't have any stress because I have a roof over my head and he's the one with ALL the stress. (Poor thing, he's currently living in less than ideal conditions.) No stress, no STRESS?! Where are my rage-filled glasses because I will be putting them on now. I cataloged my stresses for his listening pleasure and a few must have hit home because he stormed out and said he would put a bullet in his head and I would get nothing not even the $425,000 insurance policy. It wasn't the first time he's threatened suicide but it was the first time I didn't rush to tell him not to. This time I would have handed him the bullets. I can only hope he was thinking where is my weak, pathetic wife that consoles me and props me up and says don't talk like that? She doesn't live here any more. Her jaded, bitter twin is here and she recognizes your manipulations.
He came back a minute later, to make nice supposedly but he actually forgot his keys (heh heh).'I don't want to fight, I thought this could be amicable,' he says. (Why is the cheater always the one that says with a disappointed voice, I thought this could be amicable, as you call them a piece of shit for the seventh time in conversation.)
'If you want it to be amicable, then we need to figure out a temporary arrangement.' I said. But he's not willing to sign or agree to anything. Didn't we just do this dance?
Wow, so this is what toxic feels like.
**We have since exchanged emailed apologies for this incident, initiated by myself. I know this is not helping the situation. I once again got enticed by that plane to Crazytown. Thank God my ticket wasn't just one way. Note to self: do not have major discussions when I am PMSIng. Those hormones are lethal.
This week I had the pleasure of seeing my husband twice. Two nights in a row, how did I end up so lucky. After the kids went to bed (uh oh, the parenting through divorce class said don't do this), I asked my husband a question. 'Why is your paycheck less than it should be?'
He said, 'What?' I repeated the question. 'Oh, that wasn't supposed to happen until next month, it's for my rent,' he said.
'So you weren't going to tell me that I've got less money to pay our bills,' I stated. 'It was an honest mistake,' he said. I don't think my husband would recognize honest at this point if it walked up and introduced itself so pardon me for not being a believer.
I told him we needed to set up a temporary arrangement so I can depend on the money that I'm getting each month. And then the dance started about how he will take care of us but he's not signing anything and I said I don't trust anything he says and then he called me a vindictive bitch and I called him a piece of shit and things got ugly fast.
I didn't really board the flight to Crazytown until he said that I don't have any stress because I have a roof over my head and he's the one with ALL the stress. (Poor thing, he's currently living in less than ideal conditions.) No stress, no STRESS?! Where are my rage-filled glasses because I will be putting them on now. I cataloged my stresses for his listening pleasure and a few must have hit home because he stormed out and said he would put a bullet in his head and I would get nothing not even the $425,000 insurance policy. It wasn't the first time he's threatened suicide but it was the first time I didn't rush to tell him not to. This time I would have handed him the bullets. I can only hope he was thinking where is my weak, pathetic wife that consoles me and props me up and says don't talk like that? She doesn't live here any more. Her jaded, bitter twin is here and she recognizes your manipulations.
He came back a minute later, to make nice supposedly but he actually forgot his keys (heh heh).'I don't want to fight, I thought this could be amicable,' he says. (Why is the cheater always the one that says with a disappointed voice, I thought this could be amicable, as you call them a piece of shit for the seventh time in conversation.)
'If you want it to be amicable, then we need to figure out a temporary arrangement.' I said. But he's not willing to sign or agree to anything. Didn't we just do this dance?
Wow, so this is what toxic feels like.
**We have since exchanged emailed apologies for this incident, initiated by myself. I know this is not helping the situation. I once again got enticed by that plane to Crazytown. Thank God my ticket wasn't just one way. Note to self: do not have major discussions when I am PMSIng. Those hormones are lethal.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
The Beauty of PowerPoint
Do you ever wish you had a window into your husband's mind? Trust me, you don't want one, it's scary in there.
Along with finding not-so-lovely images on our computer, I also found a document that my husband had alluded to in one of our counseling sessions. An 'everything the wife has done wrong and why she's driven me to do this' grocery list. Fascinating reading. It was done as a PowerPoint (how 2005) and was full of military language and acronyms. Example: 'Enemy MDCOA'. Enemy = me MDCOA = Most Dangerous Course of Action
It tracked every single event in our 18-year relationship where my husband believed I 'wronged' him.
1998 - He stayed out late with his friends and when he finally arrived at my house, I angrily said that he must care more about his friends than me since he was three hours late.
2002 - I was upset that he had to go away to a school for four months which 'caused him to enter into a relationship with a woman' he met there.
I must stop here for two reasons. I'm a military wife. I never got upset when he had to go away. I painted rooms and hung out with friends. I'm not a pine-for-my-man type of woman. And secondly, wait, what? He had an affair back then? That's news to me. Good to know. His pile of shit scale just increased exponentially.
The list went on and on. Basically it summed up to THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS MY FAULT. I made him feel bad about himself, made him feel guilty, got angry at him and each occasion was documented on slides 1-9. I never knew my husband had such a memory, or maybe he had a journal where he was taking notes all these years.
The document said that he was really only happy in our marriage from 1998 (that's when we got married) to 2001 and from 2002-2008. But he had to expend a lot of emotional energy to remain 'happy' at times.
Again, I need to stop here. I'm not sure what happened in 2009 but in 2010 he was deployed and in 2011 he began his affair, so I'm not feeling too bad about that track record. And you're supposed to expend emotional energy when you're married. Nobody says being married is easy.
Anyway, I'll put aside my WTFs for now and continue on. The PowerPoint displayed all of the risks of divorce - financial, not seeing the kids every day (he will really miss them), loss of credibility, loss of job.
At the bottom was an 'emotions' section. His said, 'I am not proud of how I got here.' My section said, 'She is hurt/angry. I can totally understand why.'
All is forgiven. He's not proud of himself and he can understand why I'm hurt and angry.
Reading this document was enlightening. He has got one sick, twisted mind and if he ever achieves any kind of happiness I know it will not be with a human. It cemented in my mind that I was damned no matter what I did in this marriage. He is tired of being an adult, tired of responsibility and he's going to make up any excuse he can to justify his actions.
I've thought about making a PowerPoint for him but I'd only need one slide. It would be clipart of a middle finger raised high.
Along with finding not-so-lovely images on our computer, I also found a document that my husband had alluded to in one of our counseling sessions. An 'everything the wife has done wrong and why she's driven me to do this' grocery list. Fascinating reading. It was done as a PowerPoint (how 2005) and was full of military language and acronyms. Example: 'Enemy MDCOA'. Enemy = me MDCOA = Most Dangerous Course of Action
It tracked every single event in our 18-year relationship where my husband believed I 'wronged' him.
1998 - He stayed out late with his friends and when he finally arrived at my house, I angrily said that he must care more about his friends than me since he was three hours late.
2002 - I was upset that he had to go away to a school for four months which 'caused him to enter into a relationship with a woman' he met there.
I must stop here for two reasons. I'm a military wife. I never got upset when he had to go away. I painted rooms and hung out with friends. I'm not a pine-for-my-man type of woman. And secondly, wait, what? He had an affair back then? That's news to me. Good to know. His pile of shit scale just increased exponentially.
The list went on and on. Basically it summed up to THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS MY FAULT. I made him feel bad about himself, made him feel guilty, got angry at him and each occasion was documented on slides 1-9. I never knew my husband had such a memory, or maybe he had a journal where he was taking notes all these years.
The document said that he was really only happy in our marriage from 1998 (that's when we got married) to 2001 and from 2002-2008. But he had to expend a lot of emotional energy to remain 'happy' at times.
Again, I need to stop here. I'm not sure what happened in 2009 but in 2010 he was deployed and in 2011 he began his affair, so I'm not feeling too bad about that track record. And you're supposed to expend emotional energy when you're married. Nobody says being married is easy.
Anyway, I'll put aside my WTFs for now and continue on. The PowerPoint displayed all of the risks of divorce - financial, not seeing the kids every day (he will really miss them), loss of credibility, loss of job.
At the bottom was an 'emotions' section. His said, 'I am not proud of how I got here.' My section said, 'She is hurt/angry. I can totally understand why.'
All is forgiven. He's not proud of himself and he can understand why I'm hurt and angry.
Reading this document was enlightening. He has got one sick, twisted mind and if he ever achieves any kind of happiness I know it will not be with a human. It cemented in my mind that I was damned no matter what I did in this marriage. He is tired of being an adult, tired of responsibility and he's going to make up any excuse he can to justify his actions.
I've thought about making a PowerPoint for him but I'd only need one slide. It would be clipart of a middle finger raised high.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
The Hat Story
Sometimes I'm amazed at the level of absurdity that I'm dealing with. Maybe it's just because it's my life. But there are two things in all of this that will never fail to make me smile or laugh endlessly. In addition to my wonderful children, I've got the hat story.
The hat story begin in 2011. What I remember about that day is arriving home and my daughter was almost in tears saying that Daddy was yelling and he was mad at our dog and that he had thrown away all the dog's toys. 'What happened?' I asked him. ''She ate my hat,' he yelled. I have to say I was a little embarrassed and did feel bad because this was the dog that I had gotten while he was deployed and he had never wanted her.
'I'm sorry,' I said, 'but did you have to throw away her toys? She's a dog, she doesn't understand.' And I was thinking what kind of example is that for our kids. He yelled and yelled and then stormed out of the house, leaving our daughter behind. She began sobbing and saying, "He left me behind." He was her t-ball coach and they had practice that evening but he just walked out and left his sobbing six year old daughter behind. I was so upset at his behavior that I didn't even bring her to practice. Let him make excuses about why she wasn't there. Instead I took the kids for ice cream.
When he got home that night, we talked and I said that I was sorry the dog ate his hat but he shouldn't have left our daughter behind. We agreed to disagree and it was done, or at least that's what I thought.
At our first marriage counseling appointment the counselor asked why my husband had the affair. My husband said 'life is too short to be unhappy' and then he said a few years ago he had a hat. A hat that he loved and that was given to him by a good friend. A hat that he got while he was deployed. He loved that hat. Then he told his version of that day. He said that my dog ate his hat and instead of giving him sympathy over it, I got angry. And then his exact words were, "That's when I realized that she didn't understand what was important to me." So he went online and found a woman who would understand. The lesson I learned: hats = important; marriage, fidelity, family, children, honor = not important. What I also learned: my husband is seriously messed up.
The next counseling session we sit down on the couch and the counselor says, "Last time we ended with the hat story." I swear to God with all the pain I was feeling about going through counseling and trying to figure out what had happened in our marriage, I still almost burst out laughing. 'The hat story.' I can imagine the counselor saying to his next clients, 'Well, you're both messed up but at least your husband didn't have an affair because of a hat. There's hope for you.' I can imagine him writing a book about his cases and naming that chapter 'The Hat Story'.
Last night that same dog who ate that hat (and wasn't allowed on the furniture by my husband) got on the couch and curled up next to me. I texted a picture of her to my sister to show her how cute she was. My sister said, "She's thinking it took that prick long enough to move out. I chewed that hat months ago."
Laughter IS the best medicine.
The hat story begin in 2011. What I remember about that day is arriving home and my daughter was almost in tears saying that Daddy was yelling and he was mad at our dog and that he had thrown away all the dog's toys. 'What happened?' I asked him. ''She ate my hat,' he yelled. I have to say I was a little embarrassed and did feel bad because this was the dog that I had gotten while he was deployed and he had never wanted her.
'I'm sorry,' I said, 'but did you have to throw away her toys? She's a dog, she doesn't understand.' And I was thinking what kind of example is that for our kids. He yelled and yelled and then stormed out of the house, leaving our daughter behind. She began sobbing and saying, "He left me behind." He was her t-ball coach and they had practice that evening but he just walked out and left his sobbing six year old daughter behind. I was so upset at his behavior that I didn't even bring her to practice. Let him make excuses about why she wasn't there. Instead I took the kids for ice cream.
When he got home that night, we talked and I said that I was sorry the dog ate his hat but he shouldn't have left our daughter behind. We agreed to disagree and it was done, or at least that's what I thought.
At our first marriage counseling appointment the counselor asked why my husband had the affair. My husband said 'life is too short to be unhappy' and then he said a few years ago he had a hat. A hat that he loved and that was given to him by a good friend. A hat that he got while he was deployed. He loved that hat. Then he told his version of that day. He said that my dog ate his hat and instead of giving him sympathy over it, I got angry. And then his exact words were, "That's when I realized that she didn't understand what was important to me." So he went online and found a woman who would understand. The lesson I learned: hats = important; marriage, fidelity, family, children, honor = not important. What I also learned: my husband is seriously messed up.
The next counseling session we sit down on the couch and the counselor says, "Last time we ended with the hat story." I swear to God with all the pain I was feeling about going through counseling and trying to figure out what had happened in our marriage, I still almost burst out laughing. 'The hat story.' I can imagine the counselor saying to his next clients, 'Well, you're both messed up but at least your husband didn't have an affair because of a hat. There's hope for you.' I can imagine him writing a book about his cases and naming that chapter 'The Hat Story'.
Last night that same dog who ate that hat (and wasn't allowed on the furniture by my husband) got on the couch and curled up next to me. I texted a picture of her to my sister to show her how cute she was. My sister said, "She's thinking it took that prick long enough to move out. I chewed that hat months ago."
Laughter IS the best medicine.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Is There A Cheater In the House?
Impending divorce is the gift that keeps on giving. So many uncomfortable awkwardly painful things all wrapped up in a nice little package with a shitty bow. Tonight my dear children had a school concert. Aw, you say, how sweet must that be. Well, sweet is the last thing on my mind as I walk into the school beside my husband.
'Hello, how are you? You remember my husband, the cheater, don't you?' It's the white elephant in the room. You know nobody else knows the dirty little secret but you feel like everybody is looking at you anyways. Good times, good times.
The concert was achingly adorable even if I did keep pushing my chair farther and farther away from my husband's. The kids were terrific and yet I kept thinking, I wonder what it feels like to be the biggest piece of shit in the room? What's that like? Does he even feel like a piece of shit?
And then you start to look around the room. It's a small town so you know who's divorced or separated. Is that break-up because of a cheater? Was it the husband or wife? I have my guesses in most cases but no proof, just the 'who looks more like the piece of shit in that relationship' factor.
After the concert, my husband invited himself over for supper. The kids thought it was perfectly fine to have Daddy come back to the house. Me, not so much. Really? I should extend my torture for the evening and partake in a meal with you. Well, yes, for the sake of the kids, I should. Yup, the gift that keeps on giving.
Once the lawyers do their thing and come up with a temporary arrangement, we will be having the 'boundaries' discussion. The discussion that starts with 'You don't live here anymore so don't act like you do. This is the home that you threw away.' Another lovely present with a shitty bow that I'll have the pleasure to unwrap.
'Hello, how are you? You remember my husband, the cheater, don't you?' It's the white elephant in the room. You know nobody else knows the dirty little secret but you feel like everybody is looking at you anyways. Good times, good times.
The concert was achingly adorable even if I did keep pushing my chair farther and farther away from my husband's. The kids were terrific and yet I kept thinking, I wonder what it feels like to be the biggest piece of shit in the room? What's that like? Does he even feel like a piece of shit?
And then you start to look around the room. It's a small town so you know who's divorced or separated. Is that break-up because of a cheater? Was it the husband or wife? I have my guesses in most cases but no proof, just the 'who looks more like the piece of shit in that relationship' factor.
After the concert, my husband invited himself over for supper. The kids thought it was perfectly fine to have Daddy come back to the house. Me, not so much. Really? I should extend my torture for the evening and partake in a meal with you. Well, yes, for the sake of the kids, I should. Yup, the gift that keeps on giving.
Once the lawyers do their thing and come up with a temporary arrangement, we will be having the 'boundaries' discussion. The discussion that starts with 'You don't live here anymore so don't act like you do. This is the home that you threw away.' Another lovely present with a shitty bow that I'll have the pleasure to unwrap.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
An Attack of the Crazies
Anyone else have a little crazy in them? A need for vengeance? A diabolical plan to inflict suffering on others? Even though I equate my husband to a pile of dog shit and I'm the winner here, I still feel the need to inflict some pain. Retribution. Payback. I look at my childrens' sweet faces and I want to see someone else in agony. A need to see someone broken like I felt broken for all those weeks. I envision myself as Drago (Dolph Lundgren) telling Rocky 'I must break you'. (Rocky IV, not the best Rocky movie but entertaining.)
After I had the pleasure of chatting with the other woman online and she said 'she was sorry for her part in it but she cared too much about him to let him go', I was filled with rage and I wanted to destroy her and everything she stood for, was connected to and had ever seen in her whole life. I know she's moving to a new town so I envisioned sending flyers of my blog to her neighbors stating that she played the villain in this story. 'Welcome to the neighborhood,' the flyer would announce. 'Keep your husbands close to home.' I found information about her family who live in another state. I imagined sending them an email saying, 'Aren't you proud of your daughter/sister. Here's a pic of the kids whose father she stole.' I know where she works and I imagined putting a sign on the front window saying, 'Look elsewhere for morals, you won't find any here.'
The internet is a terrific tool for a temporarily unstable person with great research skills who is wearing rage-filled glasses that cloud out any thoughts of good judgement or reason. I spent more time than I want to admit toiling away on the computer plotting the demise of any future happiness for both the other woman and my husband. I stewed in bed for hours that night coming up with more and more ways to make them pay. Pay for the hurt that they had dealt to my kids and myself. I was on a plane to Crazytown and it was a direct flight.
Luckily my trip was short-lived. I calmed down (and that was even before I spoke to my lawyer.) Thank God, my kids already have one messed up parent, they don't need another. A small part of me wishes that I had done maybe one or two things from my 'probably won't send me to jail' list. Don't they deserve some unhappiness in this as well? But the calm rational side of me says not to fret, they will get their unhappiness, it just won't be caused by me and I can feel good that I fought an attack of the crazies and won.
So the lesson I take away from my temporary visit to the land of rage is sleep on that email you're going to send. That call you're going to make. That text you're going to respond to. You'll thank yourself in the morning when your sojourn is over.
After I had the pleasure of chatting with the other woman online and she said 'she was sorry for her part in it but she cared too much about him to let him go', I was filled with rage and I wanted to destroy her and everything she stood for, was connected to and had ever seen in her whole life. I know she's moving to a new town so I envisioned sending flyers of my blog to her neighbors stating that she played the villain in this story. 'Welcome to the neighborhood,' the flyer would announce. 'Keep your husbands close to home.' I found information about her family who live in another state. I imagined sending them an email saying, 'Aren't you proud of your daughter/sister. Here's a pic of the kids whose father she stole.' I know where she works and I imagined putting a sign on the front window saying, 'Look elsewhere for morals, you won't find any here.'
The internet is a terrific tool for a temporarily unstable person with great research skills who is wearing rage-filled glasses that cloud out any thoughts of good judgement or reason. I spent more time than I want to admit toiling away on the computer plotting the demise of any future happiness for both the other woman and my husband. I stewed in bed for hours that night coming up with more and more ways to make them pay. Pay for the hurt that they had dealt to my kids and myself. I was on a plane to Crazytown and it was a direct flight.
Luckily my trip was short-lived. I calmed down (and that was even before I spoke to my lawyer.) Thank God, my kids already have one messed up parent, they don't need another. A small part of me wishes that I had done maybe one or two things from my 'probably won't send me to jail' list. Don't they deserve some unhappiness in this as well? But the calm rational side of me says not to fret, they will get their unhappiness, it just won't be caused by me and I can feel good that I fought an attack of the crazies and won.
So the lesson I take away from my temporary visit to the land of rage is sleep on that email you're going to send. That call you're going to make. That text you're going to respond to. You'll thank yourself in the morning when your sojourn is over.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
The Mirror
I used to look in the mirror and I liked who I saw. Yes, I was overweight and new wrinkles were springing up daily and sometimes I think I only remembered to comb my hair once a day. But I was a good person and that's what I saw. A good mother, a good wife, a good friend, a good daughter, a good employee. Then my husband blindsided me with the 'news' and his excuses and insults were hurled at me with deadly accuracy. They embedded themselves in me and knocked me over in the beginning. I questioned everything about myself.
'You yell at the kids. Why haven't you gone farther in your career? You've made me unhappy for 15 years of marriage. You're materialistic and you've spent all of our money. You bought this house and I never wanted it. You made me feel guilty for being in the military.' His list of insults and accusations went back years in our relationship. My God, I thought, I would divorce me too, I'm a horrible person. I saw myself through his filter and I let myself believe that it was the true me. I avoided looking at myself in the mirror because all I saw were the flaws that drove him away.
Now that the shock has worn off I can see myself clearly without using his distorted lens. All the hurtful things he said to justify what he did are now just words that hang in the air and can't hurt me. I'm strong enough now to deflect or accept them.
Some of the things he said are true and maybe I'll work on them and maybe I won't. I am who I am and you know what? I'm pretty happy with myself as a person. I AM a good person. If he really loved me, he would have saw these quirks and rolled his eyes and accepted them. Or if they drove him crazy, he should have said something instead of letting these things fester inside of him. I never kept a mental list of my husband's faults that I let build up inside of me until they exploded. If you love someone, you sigh when they leave the dresser drawers open but you walk behind and shut them if it really bothers you. You don't let their faults take up residence in your mind, because you're too busy doing the simple little kind things. At some point my husband stopped doing the simple little kind things for me and I never even noticed because I was too busy giving to be worried about taking.
I look in the mirror now and I once again see myself. I wonder what he sees when he looks in the mirror?
'You yell at the kids. Why haven't you gone farther in your career? You've made me unhappy for 15 years of marriage. You're materialistic and you've spent all of our money. You bought this house and I never wanted it. You made me feel guilty for being in the military.' His list of insults and accusations went back years in our relationship. My God, I thought, I would divorce me too, I'm a horrible person. I saw myself through his filter and I let myself believe that it was the true me. I avoided looking at myself in the mirror because all I saw were the flaws that drove him away.
Now that the shock has worn off I can see myself clearly without using his distorted lens. All the hurtful things he said to justify what he did are now just words that hang in the air and can't hurt me. I'm strong enough now to deflect or accept them.
Some of the things he said are true and maybe I'll work on them and maybe I won't. I am who I am and you know what? I'm pretty happy with myself as a person. I AM a good person. If he really loved me, he would have saw these quirks and rolled his eyes and accepted them. Or if they drove him crazy, he should have said something instead of letting these things fester inside of him. I never kept a mental list of my husband's faults that I let build up inside of me until they exploded. If you love someone, you sigh when they leave the dresser drawers open but you walk behind and shut them if it really bothers you. You don't let their faults take up residence in your mind, because you're too busy doing the simple little kind things. At some point my husband stopped doing the simple little kind things for me and I never even noticed because I was too busy giving to be worried about taking.
I look in the mirror now and I once again see myself. I wonder what he sees when he looks in the mirror?
Thursday, April 11, 2013
A New Perspective On Winning
I went to a class today about children and parenting through divorce. Who knew the divorce process involved so many fun things? Forms, lawyers, court mandated classes. I'll be thanking my husband the next time I see him after he crawls out of whatever hole he's hidden himself in.
The class was full, 24 people filled with various levels of despair, rage and bitterness. There were a few cute guys there but it was hard to tell if they were in the cheater or betrayed cheering sections so I didn't give any of them my phone number with instructions to call me when they got their divorce decree.
One woman referred to her husband as the 'piece of shit' eighty-five times (yes, I counted). I felt a kinship with her, a certain bond but I didn't air any of my dirty laundry. My husband was actually scheduled to attend the same class but he never showed. He must have had visions of me doing show and tell with my cell pics of his extra-curricular activities. When the topic of child support came up, the woman with the POS husband said she just wanted her fair share. The guy next to her asked if this was the part of the class that said men will just hand over their wallets in the divorce. I waited for fisticuffs to ensue but unfortunately the instructors reined them in. Too bad, that would have been entertaining.
The class was actually excellent and I would have went even if I wasn't forced to....honestly. The class focused on putting the kids first (yup, I get that) and don't let them see the conflict because it will only hurt them (yup, I get that too). So to avoid any venom spouting rage aimed at my husband & his 'lady' friend(s), I will put my poison pen to the paper (enraged fingers to the keyboard) and let 'er rip.
I am competitive, I do not like to lose. So when my husband confessed his affair, I immediately mourned that I had lost a fight that I didn't even know I was competing in. 'She's stolen him, she wins,' would spin endlessly in my mind. In the beginning, I grappled with ways of how to change the tide in my favor.
I have a new perspective on the other woman winning and it has to do with the question of whether I hate my husband. Do I hate him? In my mind now I equate him to the pile of dog shit that I've stepped in. I'm annoyed by it, inconvenienced by it, disgusted by it and I want to scrape it off. But he's not worth my hate, not worth such a strong emotion, not worth my time.
Did the other woman win? When your prize is a piece of dog crap, it's not really winning (unless you have a dog crap collection and he's your finest specimen). It's actually losing. She's losing because she's going to be saddled with a shitty guy who did some really bad stuff. He's a crappy guy and there's no changing that. He's not going to turn wonderful when she has him. When you're shitty, there's no changing your spots. You're shitty to the core.
I am the winner here because I get him (mostly) out of my life. When I think of the other woman curled up with her prize, I'm going to think of her with a big pile of poop next to her. And I'm going to laugh and be happy that pile of crap isn't stinking up my life anymore.
I'm off to read my 56-page manual about how to find a way to wipe the dog shit off my shoe without hurting my kids.
The class was full, 24 people filled with various levels of despair, rage and bitterness. There were a few cute guys there but it was hard to tell if they were in the cheater or betrayed cheering sections so I didn't give any of them my phone number with instructions to call me when they got their divorce decree.
One woman referred to her husband as the 'piece of shit' eighty-five times (yes, I counted). I felt a kinship with her, a certain bond but I didn't air any of my dirty laundry. My husband was actually scheduled to attend the same class but he never showed. He must have had visions of me doing show and tell with my cell pics of his extra-curricular activities. When the topic of child support came up, the woman with the POS husband said she just wanted her fair share. The guy next to her asked if this was the part of the class that said men will just hand over their wallets in the divorce. I waited for fisticuffs to ensue but unfortunately the instructors reined them in. Too bad, that would have been entertaining.
The class was actually excellent and I would have went even if I wasn't forced to....honestly. The class focused on putting the kids first (yup, I get that) and don't let them see the conflict because it will only hurt them (yup, I get that too). So to avoid any venom spouting rage aimed at my husband & his 'lady' friend(s), I will put my poison pen to the paper (enraged fingers to the keyboard) and let 'er rip.
I am competitive, I do not like to lose. So when my husband confessed his affair, I immediately mourned that I had lost a fight that I didn't even know I was competing in. 'She's stolen him, she wins,' would spin endlessly in my mind. In the beginning, I grappled with ways of how to change the tide in my favor.
I have a new perspective on the other woman winning and it has to do with the question of whether I hate my husband. Do I hate him? In my mind now I equate him to the pile of dog shit that I've stepped in. I'm annoyed by it, inconvenienced by it, disgusted by it and I want to scrape it off. But he's not worth my hate, not worth such a strong emotion, not worth my time.
Did the other woman win? When your prize is a piece of dog crap, it's not really winning (unless you have a dog crap collection and he's your finest specimen). It's actually losing. She's losing because she's going to be saddled with a shitty guy who did some really bad stuff. He's a crappy guy and there's no changing that. He's not going to turn wonderful when she has him. When you're shitty, there's no changing your spots. You're shitty to the core.
I am the winner here because I get him (mostly) out of my life. When I think of the other woman curled up with her prize, I'm going to think of her with a big pile of poop next to her. And I'm going to laugh and be happy that pile of crap isn't stinking up my life anymore.
I'm off to read my 56-page manual about how to find a way to wipe the dog shit off my shoe without hurting my kids.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
False Eyes
Have you ever looked deeply into someone's eyes and saw their soul, their very essence of being? Yeah, me neither.
I did look into the eyes of my husband and I saw an honorable man. A man who would never willingly harm his family. A man who was brave enough to fight for his country and stood tall and brave and proud. I didn't let myself look beyond those false eyes and instead look at his actions. The little things that should have gave me pause.
I took those eyes at face value and I never questioned if everything that I saw in them was true. I trusted those eyes and was blinded by them. I couldn't see that through the years my own vision was impaired. I was seeing those eyes through a filter that I created, because that was who I wanted him to be. I carried the heaviest of loads to keep looking into those eyes, they had me fooled.
My vision is clear now and the next time I look into those eyes, I'll have my own wide open and I will see him for who is he.
I did look into the eyes of my husband and I saw an honorable man. A man who would never willingly harm his family. A man who was brave enough to fight for his country and stood tall and brave and proud. I didn't let myself look beyond those false eyes and instead look at his actions. The little things that should have gave me pause.
I took those eyes at face value and I never questioned if everything that I saw in them was true. I trusted those eyes and was blinded by them. I couldn't see that through the years my own vision was impaired. I was seeing those eyes through a filter that I created, because that was who I wanted him to be. I carried the heaviest of loads to keep looking into those eyes, they had me fooled.
My vision is clear now and the next time I look into those eyes, I'll have my own wide open and I will see him for who is he.
The Broken Washing Machine
What do you do if you buy a toaster and it sparks and burns you? You return it.
What do you do if you buy a car and it's a lemon? You waste no time in rushing back to the dealer and return it.
What do you do if you buy a washing machine and it's broken? You have it repaired. If it can't be repaired, you return it.
What do you do if your tv has a fuzzy picture and no sound? If it's under warranty, you return it, or you simply throw it out.
Each of these things are damaged goods. You don't cry and mourn and spend your last dollar to fix them. You don't question what you did to break them and scream why did this happen to me, what could I have done differently?
What do you do if your husband cheats on you and breaks your heart? My answer today is return him. He's damaged goods and I'm done with wondering why. He's the broken washing machine in my life. I'm not going to question if I overloaded him or did too many loads. I'm not going to ask myself if I should have used less detergent. He's a lemon, he's broke, his spin cycle is beyond repair. He's just taking up space, no use to me, no purpose to serve.
Today, I return him. I throw him out with the other damaged goods. In a year or two (or four or five), I might decide that I need a new washing machine and get an updated, better model. Or I might decide that a washing machine isn't for me and that's fine too.
What do you do if you buy a car and it's a lemon? You waste no time in rushing back to the dealer and return it.
What do you do if you buy a washing machine and it's broken? You have it repaired. If it can't be repaired, you return it.
What do you do if your tv has a fuzzy picture and no sound? If it's under warranty, you return it, or you simply throw it out.
Each of these things are damaged goods. You don't cry and mourn and spend your last dollar to fix them. You don't question what you did to break them and scream why did this happen to me, what could I have done differently?
What do you do if your husband cheats on you and breaks your heart? My answer today is return him. He's damaged goods and I'm done with wondering why. He's the broken washing machine in my life. I'm not going to question if I overloaded him or did too many loads. I'm not going to ask myself if I should have used less detergent. He's a lemon, he's broke, his spin cycle is beyond repair. He's just taking up space, no use to me, no purpose to serve.
Today, I return him. I throw him out with the other damaged goods. In a year or two (or four or five), I might decide that I need a new washing machine and get an updated, better model. Or I might decide that a washing machine isn't for me and that's fine too.
The Best Man I Know
The best man I know senses something is amiss even though I have not shared any details about this crisis in our lives.
The best man I know gets up in the morning and gets ready, often by the time I'm out of the shower.
The best man I know asked me yesterday morning what I wanted for breakfast as I was putting on my makeup. "A bagel," I said. "Half or whole," he asked. "Half," I responded (because I have no appetite). "Cream cheese or peanut butter", he questioned. "Cream cheese, please," I answered.
My breakfast is waiting on the table when I go downstairs.
Each evening the best man that I know feeds the dog. Sometimes I do have to remind him but he always does it when I ask.
This morning the best man that I know said again that he would make my bagel as he headed down the stairs to let in the barking dog. I didn't ask him to do this, he just saw that I was putting on my socks and recognized that I needed some extra time to get ready.
The best man I know asks me about my day and will just walk up to me and spontaneously wrap his arms around me and tell me loves me. The best man I know is caring and kind and I have no doubt that he loves me with all of his heart. He gives me sweet kisses and then will put away his toys.
The best man that I know is my six year old son and he gives me hope that, maybe, there are some honorable men in this world. I am so proud of him, his future is bright.
The best man I know gets up in the morning and gets ready, often by the time I'm out of the shower.
The best man I know asked me yesterday morning what I wanted for breakfast as I was putting on my makeup. "A bagel," I said. "Half or whole," he asked. "Half," I responded (because I have no appetite). "Cream cheese or peanut butter", he questioned. "Cream cheese, please," I answered.
My breakfast is waiting on the table when I go downstairs.
Each evening the best man that I know feeds the dog. Sometimes I do have to remind him but he always does it when I ask.
This morning the best man that I know said again that he would make my bagel as he headed down the stairs to let in the barking dog. I didn't ask him to do this, he just saw that I was putting on my socks and recognized that I needed some extra time to get ready.
The best man I know asks me about my day and will just walk up to me and spontaneously wrap his arms around me and tell me loves me. The best man I know is caring and kind and I have no doubt that he loves me with all of his heart. He gives me sweet kisses and then will put away his toys.
The best man that I know is my six year old son and he gives me hope that, maybe, there are some honorable men in this world. I am so proud of him, his future is bright.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Post Traumatic Stress
I would never assume to know what it's like to be ravaged by war. But I do know what it's like to be ravaged by divorce and infidelity. Flashes through your mind of absolute panic, shock and fear. Debilitating sadness and all consuming rage. Fight or flight instinct always on alert. Never truly relaxing no matter what you are doing. Feeling distracted and never focused on one thing. Time stands still or creeps along so slowly you want to scream. Insomnia, mind racing a hundred miles an hour on a hundred different topics. Disturbing images refusing to be banished from your internal vision. Fear of the future, distrust of the past. Suffocating pressure on your chest that never seems to ease up. Continuous knot in your stomach that leaves no room for hunger. Shattered heart broken into a million pieces with little hope for it to ever mend. Loss of a trust and innocence that you can never regain.
I have never been though the hells of war but I am going through a battle right now. And it's dark and horrible and I wouldn't wish it on any one. More fodder for my weekly counseling appointment. Having someone sit and listen and focus entirely on what you are saying is healing and I look forward to my time in the chair. My, the stories I have to share this week.
I have never been though the hells of war but I am going through a battle right now. And it's dark and horrible and I wouldn't wish it on any one. More fodder for my weekly counseling appointment. Having someone sit and listen and focus entirely on what you are saying is healing and I look forward to my time in the chair. My, the stories I have to share this week.
Sadness
Yesterday I was incredibly angry and disgusted, filled with rage over something else I discovered about my husband. I won't share it in this blog or with many people. The shame is his and his alone to bear. But overnight, my unimaginable anger has turned to overwhelming sadness. Like sobbing for four hours, one hour of sleep sadness. Tears while I was making grilled cheese sandwiches sadness. All consuming sadness that is crippling. I much prefer the rage but I know this too shall pass.
The Other Woman
I do not blame the other woman for the start of the affair. I'm sure my husband charmed his way into her affections. She was desperate and lonely and he was showering her with compliments. He kept it a secret I'm sure that he was already bound by the vows of marriage. But once she found out that he had a wife and children, she 'cared for him too much to let him go'. She was too delusional to see that the man she cared for didn't even exist. A relationship begun in deception and lies only has one future and it's not happily ever after. No, I don't blame her for the start of the affair but I do blame her for not ending it. For not having enough morals and values and self-esteem to say, "This is just wrong and I don't want to be a part of it." For not thinking of the family that she is having a share in destroying. The innocent children that she is hurting for hopes of fulfilling her own empty dreams.
Men are weak and selfish creatures. I hold women to a higher standard. We carry our children inside of us for nine months. We are the nourishers and the caregivers. For every one good father, I will show you forty good mothers. We raise the next generation and if we can't do it with a higher grace than these weak and selfish men, I pity the future that we have. The sisterhood of women should be stronger than it is. If men are such simple creatures swayed by sex and self indulgences, it's up to women to be the strong ones and say no this is not right. But unfortunately 'love' is blind and stupid. And of course it's true love and you're going to save him from his harpy of a wife. You will heal his poor tortured soul and offer him comfort from a so-called bad marriage.
If you don't have the strength to turn him away, I wish you a future of heartbreak like you have caused me and my children. Since history has a habit of repeating itself, I know I won't have to wait long.
Men are weak and selfish creatures. I hold women to a higher standard. We carry our children inside of us for nine months. We are the nourishers and the caregivers. For every one good father, I will show you forty good mothers. We raise the next generation and if we can't do it with a higher grace than these weak and selfish men, I pity the future that we have. The sisterhood of women should be stronger than it is. If men are such simple creatures swayed by sex and self indulgences, it's up to women to be the strong ones and say no this is not right. But unfortunately 'love' is blind and stupid. And of course it's true love and you're going to save him from his harpy of a wife. You will heal his poor tortured soul and offer him comfort from a so-called bad marriage.
If you don't have the strength to turn him away, I wish you a future of heartbreak like you have caused me and my children. Since history has a habit of repeating itself, I know I won't have to wait long.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Finding My Second Wind but Then Losing It
My husband had to work this weekend and the day started off well with him gone from the house. The kids and I lay around peacefully in the morning and there was no tension. Then I felt a kind of calm come over me and thought - I can handle this divorce and in fact might even appreciate it in time. I can do as I please with no husband to worry about how he's going to react. I rearranged my bedroom all around (he always hated when I moved furniture). The more I rearranged the better I felt. Then I moved on to the playroom and organized in there and once again, I felt calm, like maybe he really did me a favor by having the affair and asking for a divorce. I haven't been happy in a long time, always worried about how depressed he seemed and always encouraging him to buy and do things to make him happy. His motorcycle, a kayak, fishing gear. I encouraged him to go out and have hobbies and find something to make himself happy. How selfish that he made himself happy by having an affair. I could see the bad, immature side of him today and I was actually counting the days until he leaves.
I asked my 8-year daughter how she was doing with the idea of Daddy moving out and she said "fine" and then asked if I was going to let him take the night table that I had stuck in a corner of my bedroom. My daughter, the practical one just like me. I asked her how she thought her 6-year old brother was doing and she said "fine, he hasn't mentioned it to me at all." It still eats me up inside to think about them going through this and having their parents be divorced but someone told me that you can't promise your kids a perfect life and that gives me some comfort.
I enjoyed my feeling of calm and peace for most of the day, and then he came home and I saw him and I thought - Oh my God, he's choosing someone else over me. I've made him so miserable these last few years that he's willing to walk away from his life just to escape me. He's willing to leave his house, his children, our dog, his garage, everything, just because I make him feel so bad about himself. I do realize way deep inside me that it's his own shortcomings that are making him feel this way but it's still painful to look at him and imagine him moving out into his apartment and probably seeing his new girlfriend every night and having the time of his life. Why wouldn't he be happy? He'll have no responsibilities or at least very little. No house to take care of, no kids daily to look after, no dog hair to sweep up. And then I think - if he can be happy in that kind of life, I don't want him anyway. But a little piece of me still wishes he would walk into my bedroom and say he's gone crazy and he just wants to work on our marriage. I know I could never trust him and I just need to move forward with this whole thing but it's so hard knowing that you've shared 15 years of your life with someone and they are willing to walk away towards someone else.
I hope I find that calm again tomorrow when I wake up and he's already gone to work. And I really hope that calm surrounds me when he moves out and I no longer have to look at him and be reminded of what he's done over and over again.
I asked my 8-year daughter how she was doing with the idea of Daddy moving out and she said "fine" and then asked if I was going to let him take the night table that I had stuck in a corner of my bedroom. My daughter, the practical one just like me. I asked her how she thought her 6-year old brother was doing and she said "fine, he hasn't mentioned it to me at all." It still eats me up inside to think about them going through this and having their parents be divorced but someone told me that you can't promise your kids a perfect life and that gives me some comfort.
I enjoyed my feeling of calm and peace for most of the day, and then he came home and I saw him and I thought - Oh my God, he's choosing someone else over me. I've made him so miserable these last few years that he's willing to walk away from his life just to escape me. He's willing to leave his house, his children, our dog, his garage, everything, just because I make him feel so bad about himself. I do realize way deep inside me that it's his own shortcomings that are making him feel this way but it's still painful to look at him and imagine him moving out into his apartment and probably seeing his new girlfriend every night and having the time of his life. Why wouldn't he be happy? He'll have no responsibilities or at least very little. No house to take care of, no kids daily to look after, no dog hair to sweep up. And then I think - if he can be happy in that kind of life, I don't want him anyway. But a little piece of me still wishes he would walk into my bedroom and say he's gone crazy and he just wants to work on our marriage. I know I could never trust him and I just need to move forward with this whole thing but it's so hard knowing that you've shared 15 years of your life with someone and they are willing to walk away towards someone else.
I hope I find that calm again tomorrow when I wake up and he's already gone to work. And I really hope that calm surrounds me when he moves out and I no longer have to look at him and be reminded of what he's done over and over again.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Vindicated by a Professional Counselor but it doesn't really matter
Last night we went to our third and final marriage counseling appt. My husband had agreed to go because his lawyer encouraged him to so he would know what he has to work on for his next relationship. What a jerk. I went because I wanted to air my feelings. The appt ended last night with the counselor basically saying that my husband should take 30 days before leaving and think about what he is doing. The counselor said that he believes my husband would be happier if he stayed with his family (if I would even allow that to happen and could get over the affair) and the counselor said that my husband really needs counseling himself. (He deployed to Afghanistan in 2010, had a father who left his family for another woman, had a bad point in his career a few years ago, the list goes on and on.)
But my husband won't go to counseling because he sees me as the problem and since he's escaping me, he's going to be just fine. So freaking ridiculous. He said in the counseling appt that he needs to move out into his own apartment to 'find himself'. How can you not know you're in the middle of a mid-life crisis when you hear yourself saying that? I keep asking myself what I'm mourning. If a man doesn't want to be part of a family, then you just need to let him go. There's no fixing that. But it's still unbearably hard. After our second counseling session, my husband asked me when he became such a horrible and worthless person while we were sitting on the couch that night. I told him not to talk about himself that way and said that he needed to go to counseling. I was giving him comfort! When I mentioned that in our session last night, my husband wouldn't admit that he said that. He said that he just remembered me telling him he needed to go to counseling and crying. That made me believe that my husband has his head so far up his own butt that it will be a blessing when this is all over.
But my husband won't go to counseling because he sees me as the problem and since he's escaping me, he's going to be just fine. So freaking ridiculous. He said in the counseling appt that he needs to move out into his own apartment to 'find himself'. How can you not know you're in the middle of a mid-life crisis when you hear yourself saying that? I keep asking myself what I'm mourning. If a man doesn't want to be part of a family, then you just need to let him go. There's no fixing that. But it's still unbearably hard. After our second counseling session, my husband asked me when he became such a horrible and worthless person while we were sitting on the couch that night. I told him not to talk about himself that way and said that he needed to go to counseling. I was giving him comfort! When I mentioned that in our session last night, my husband wouldn't admit that he said that. He said that he just remembered me telling him he needed to go to counseling and crying. That made me believe that my husband has his head so far up his own butt that it will be a blessing when this is all over.
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