Merry effing Christmas! Another year of festivities, another year of doing all the shopping, another year of wrapping all the presents, another year of divorce. Yeehaw.
So, yeah, I started this post the day after Christmas. Time got away from me. Fast forward months later and I'll say happy fucking Valentine's Day! Fricking most stupid 'holiday' EVER.
Things are good here. I'm good. Kids are good. Peace and goodwill on earth. Life is busy. Work, kids, sports, and dating. Yup, I said dating. I took a hiatus for a while because I only was finding shitbags. Then I went on a date, resigned to 'ugh, why do I keep doing this?' and uh, I like him. Like like him.
This guy seems nice, real nice. I've only been seeing him a few months but we've logged some significant together time during that period. He knows I have trust issues (to say the least) and says he's willing to be patient. He's met my kids and they seem to like him. I'm still waiting for his cold dark soul to emerge. Isn't that awesome? I'm getting to know him with the expectation that he's going to be a douchebag and end up breaking my heart. Is that normal? I'm thinking probably not for most people but for those in a certain club, yeah, it's probably to be expected.
My daughter seems to enjoy my 'boyfriend'. (Insert awkward giggle. I'm 40 and I have a boyfriend. That label makes me uncomfortable in so many ways.) My son is a different story. He's used to being the only male in my life. He makes semi-rude comments but he also seems to want boyfriend's attention.
I'm trying to walk a fine line. Attempting to build a relationship and being a good mom, that's a challenging thing to navigate. Some days I ask myself if it's worth it. Kids are little for such a finite period of time, maybe I should just be alone. But being alone can be a real drag sometimes. I dunno. I'm just going to keep on keepin' on I guess.
Happy to hear from you. :)
ReplyDeleteI wonder, almost two years on, if you feel you can describe yourself as happy? Or content? How happy are you relative to the imperfect marriage you were in? Would you still go back and change the fact that your marriage ended?
It's such a long process. I'm grateful that you've shared it with all of us. Everybody has a story and there is always something to learn.
Me Again
Thanks for reading...even after my hiatus. :)
DeleteI am happy and content most days. My life is a good one and I try to remember that. I wouldn't go back to the final few years of my marriage. I lived with a constant knot in my stomach and now I know that was caused by not letting myself see what was so obviously happening under my nose. The earlier years in my marriage when I thought we were happy? I'm not sure. I feel like I'm more myself now than I was then. I worry about money constantly. I worry about what my kids are missing out on because of divorce. I think that I'm happier now than I was for the majority of my marriage and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Yeah, lots of mixed up feelings but it boils down to I'm good, really good. :)
I was just about to detail your blog from my favorites when I was happy to see you are back! I'm in a very similar situation as you, a few more months into my new relationship. I'm struggling with putting myself first. I'd rather spend my free time with my kids, and I just informed the nice guy I've been seeing for 8 months of this fact. I'm realizing how fast the kids grow up, and now that I don't see them everyday, I want to soak up every second with them, the good and the bad days. I know you are a super rock star mom like me, how are you handling this? Have you reached the place where you are able to let them go off to the X's house and then focus on yourself?
ReplyDelete-TJ
TJ! You have a nice guy! Yay! Very glad for you, we all deserve one if that's what we want.
DeleteI totally hear you about wanting to soak up every second with the kids. I still struggle when I have to send my kids off for the weekend. It's just abnormal to have to ship off your babies with suitcases twice a month. I try to fill my time up (binge watch Netflix, hang with boyfriend, see friends) but in the back of my mind it always feels like I'm just biding my time until my left arm rejoins my body. It's a bizarre feeling, for sure.
Hi Kay, I have only just discovered your blog (through Chumplady) and have thoroughly enjoyed reading it from start to finish. It was complete therapy! I think the cheaters of the world should NEVER underestimate the power of a woman scorned. Well done you. I hope your absence means that you are living a life of unutterable bliss and are happy. Cheers. Anna
ReplyDeleteHi Anna. The days are long but the years are short! They weren't kidding when that quote was coined. I'm assuming you have joined the most undesirable club in the world if you are reading Chumplady. Sorry to hear that. Things get better although every now and then I feel the rage and the pain bubble back up. Life is rolling along. Holidays are hard. I get all nostalgic for the life that no longer is. Bleck. Take good care of yourself!
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