My daughter said, 'I don't know.'
'It's your choice,' I said, 'if you think you still want to go, you can or we can take a break for a while.'
My daughter said, 'Do whatever you think is best for me, Mommy.' My sweet girl. God, kids kill me with their innocence and their faith in people.
Today we received the soccer schedule for the weekend and the kids have to be in two different places at the same time. I'm used to this, for years, I've been doing it on my own as Army Boy was either deployed or disinterested in being part of our family or 'off riding his motorcycle'. I can figure things out, find a ride for one of the kids. Then about two minutes after I received the schedule, I get an email from Army Boy. 'How do you want to handle the weekend? Do you want me to pick up our daughter and take her to her game?' My first response is hate - 'Apparently you finally remembered that you have children. You have time for them again after writing them off for the whole summer? You don't have better things to do with your weekend days now, those same things that took you away from the kids for over a year?'
I want to slay him with words and start something. I'm spoiling for a fight. I want to tell him that it's too little, too late. But I know it won't matter because it will just be the buzzing of an annoying bug in his ear. What I say doesn't matter. It was so much easier when he was disinterested this summer, for me at least. Out of sight, out of mind. Now having to deal with him so much makes me want to scream. I really do not want to depend on him for rides for the kids.
I can count on one hand the number of times he actually brought our children to an appointment or a sporting event on his own, and I can also count the number of times he was late and caused more stress because the kids are never his first priority. I don't want to depend on him for anything. But I don't know if my own feelings about his piece of shit-ness are taking over or if I'm thinking of the kids here. It's got to be confusing to them to have him be here, be gone, and now be around again. I guess it's better for them to have a father who actually wants to see them but I don't trust him at all. I'm trying to heed my daughter's words of 'Do whatever you think is best for me, Mommy' but it's hard when your own feelings provide a lens that you can't see through.
I was in the EXACT same situation. My response to my X was, "I already have it covered". Kay, you don't need his help. Maybe in the long down the road future you can exercise this option, but not right now. Army Boy does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Doesn't want to be involved, you say No problem. But now he wants to be involved, and you again say No problem. You need to take a stand now, or he will continue to walk all over you. It's bad enough that he destroyed your life, now he gets to walk back into it whenever he wants and take pieces back that make him happy. NO WAY! If he wants to go to one of the kids games, he can go alone. This allows the kids to see their Dad cares and wants to watch them, but it does not mean he has to drive them. You don't need him to help you, so stop being so nice and make him feel the hurt and rejection you feel on a constant basis. Seriously Kay, you have to stand firm and set the boundaries.
ReplyDelete'No problem'. I'm going to practice saying that over and over. Set boundaries and stand firm... Very good advice, I'm going to try to heed it!
DeleteThanks for reading and writing.
Be gentle with yourself. It is not unexpected that you have a hard time finding anything positive when dealing with him. You are waiting for the other boot to hit the ground...another betrayal...another disappearing act from your kids' lives. Trust, once destroyed, isn't easy to rebuild. Instinct is telling you "once burned, twice shy". When people betray us it is necessary self preservation to want to be away from them. Don't expect him to understand (since he was the betrayer) unless you tell him in no uncertain terms how difficult it is to be around him, or have him act like nothing ever happened, etc.
ReplyDeleteThis all sucks. Again, be gentle with yourself. Stop fighting your instincts and set boundaries instead. You need stronger defenses right now, and there is nothing wrong with that. Anger is based in fear. There is less need for fear behind a strong door with a firm lock.
I keep hearing to set boundaries. I guess I need to do that and just stop moving along like nothing has changed.
DeleteI love your last statement - 'There is less need for fear behind a strong door with a firm lock.' I need to lock that damn door. You're right!
Thanks for reading and writing.
Kay, it is so very hard, believe me, I have been there. It has taken years to feel 'better', it is a slow process, you don't think you will survive, but you will. cheaters will play games as long as they can and as long as they think they can get away with it. You are strong, you are dealing with this with all the hurt and anger, and you were the faithful one, you are the stronger of the two always remember that.
ReplyDelete