Actually it's almost getting too easy to put aside my disgust for Army Boy and just play pretend for a few hours. Wow, either I'm the world's best actress or I'm the most disingenuous person alive. I flip the switch, slap a smile on my face and play nice for the whole world to see. I wonder what the other parents would think if they knew what was going on. Would they applaud my 'putting the kids first' mentality or would they think what a fucking doormat to stand next to such a douchebag? If only Army Boy knew how many times I wanted to whip out my visual aids documenting his futile attempt to 'find his happiness'. Hello, local police officer and father of my son's closest friend, do you want to see why douchebag and I are divorcing or would you just say that's our personal business and avert your eyes from the spectacle of Army Boy's penis in my kitchen? If only people knew what goes on behind closed doors, but I bet everyone has a dirty secret and probably wouldn't take much notice of mine. It's only personal when you're living it.
The long day of soccer went by quick. Army Boy was on his best behavior, playing Mr Personality and Father of the Year. He even stood by my daughter's team and helped coach. What a fucking change from last year when he was supposed to coach my son but he felt like he was being 'left out by the popular parents' so he walked off the field and wouldn't go back. I had to finish the season off and tell everyone that he hurt his back. I'm such a fricking liar when it comes to covering for him.
I got home tonight and gave myself a mental pat on the back for getting through the day and being the bigger person. Hell, I even shared my carrots with Army Boy at one point. (No, carrots aren't a euphuism for something, I actually shared a snack that I had brought with me.) Then I lay in bed, exhausted after another day of doing everything, and I read the comments on this post. HOLY SHIT, AM I AN ENABLER? Am I letting Army Boy off too easily? Am I serving myself the shit sandwich and gulping it down with ketchup? WTF, am I doing? I know I'm a people pleaser and conflict averse. I'm the baby of my family. I'm the one that tries to make people laugh and if that doesn't work, I plead 'Can't we all just get along?' But am I being too nice in this circumstance? Am I going for sainthood or will I be getting the gold medal for stupidity? A crown for being the biggest spineless pushover in the history of betrayed spouses?
I'm not sure why I don't want to give Army Boy a hard time. For my kids' sake, for my own. I know I don't want to be raging all the time. It's too exhausting, too draining. Maybe I just want to pretend for a few hours that we are on okay terms, that we have an amicable divorce so I can hold on to my pride a little bit. Being the spouse left behind is pretty fucking demoralizing, it cuts you off at your knees and is akin to someone telling you 24/7 that you're too much of a loser to hold on to your husband. (I know if a friend was going through this instead of me, I certainly wouldn't think she was a loser but it's hard to be objective when it's yourself.) If I can put on the appearance that I don't give a shit about Army Boy, maybe I can make myself feel like I can retain some of my dignity. I'll use my favorite phrase again..'I don't know'.
You are not a doormat! Or stupid or... You are just trying to figure this whole thing out. I think even though there are similarities in divorces, everyone's is just a little bit different and so you need to carve your own path. I would just ask you, "How do you feel after a day with your ex?" I totally get that being a raging scorned wife is exhausting! (Only because I am one, too) So, how to find the balance? Yesterday, I went to my daughter's football game and my ex showed up. I actually don't know any of the other parents of the kids on her team, so we talked a bit to each other. I can't pretend to be happy around him, but I don't want him to see me sad, either. I guess my defense mechanism is to just be nuetral (maybe even a little cold) After the game, my daughter wanted to get pizza together, so off the three of us went to dinner. It was awkward...he called me honey, once. He kept getting up to play video games with our daughter, and then he grabbed a paper and read that. I tried to busy myself with my phone (email, etc.) It was a night that needs repeating, but it also wasn't unbearable. If the situation arises again, I am fine with eating out with the ex (as long as the OW is not there). But I would not invite him over to the house for dinner (at this point). I think in a previous post you had said your STBX was coming to your house for dinner to celebrate your son's birthday. For me, that is way too personal (to have him eating in my house) I would rather go out to neutral territory. Anyway, don't be too hard on yourself. This is a process...what works for you today, may not be right tomorrow, and visa versa. Take it one step at a time, and do what is right for you (I think in the long run, it will be right for your kids, too) Just don't forget that not only do your kids have a say in this, so do you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Michelle! You definitely get it. I'm of the same mindset as you, I can't pretend to be happy but I won't want him to see me sad.
DeleteUGH to him calling you honey. I would want to tell him to never do that again but then it would be obvious that it bothers you...so I guess I wouldn't say anything but I would just cringe on the inside.
Yes my son came to my house for my son's birthday supper. And then this week I actually asked Army Boy over for supper after he showed up unexpectedly at a soccer practice. I don't know why I asked him over. I guess to poke the wound again or maybe it was so he could taste the lasagna that I had made and he can know that I need him for absolutely NOTHING now not even cooking (which was always my downfall).
Thanks for reading and writing. It sucks to be going through all of this but it is nice to know there's someone else out there that really understands.
**It was a night that doesn't need repeating...
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's a right or wrong way to do this. And you can only listen so much to well-meaning friends who get to go home to their non-asshole husbands and "normal" lives. My "husband" who is currently living a full-scale new life with a co-worker stops by when he has the kids and hangs at the house for a few hours. Mainly because the kids would rather be at home playing with their neighborhood friends. I would love to tell him to go the f away and that's what every friend and therapist tells me to do, but I never do. I like hearing my kids voices in the yard and having them run in for a drink. I like seeing them when its not "my time", so I suck it up and go upstairs and weep a little even though its almost been a year. Then I feel like shit for the next 24 hours because I actually miss a person that treated me like garbage. There's an element of masochism to this for sure. I should probably tell him to play kickball somewhere else. We barely speak and barely make eye contact. Its probably damaging the kids to have all of us here where we're supposed to be. Who knows. I would not have a meal with him and I did draw the line when my son wanted us to do a group hug. There seems to be a textbook for lying, cheating piece of shit men out there...maybe there's one for us too.
ReplyDeleteJen and Kay,
DeletePlease take care of what you need first. You know how when you fly and the attendant tells everyone that in case you need oxygen, you need to put your mask on before helping your child? Same thing here. You need to breathe and be okay before you can help your kids. They will survive - I PROMISE YOU THAT - if they play away from your house or you sit away from their dad at a game.
Your house, your life, your rules. Embrace it and extend the kindness of autonomy to your wounded selves. Let the healing rain on you.
Peace.
Jen - I literally LOLed about 'friends going home to their non-asshole husbands'. Yup, if you're not married to an asshole you might say that you can sympathize with me but hopefully you will never really understand all the painful angst this causes.
DeleteI absolutely get it about wanting your kids to be at home even during 'his time'. We love our kids and not being around them is like cutting off your arm. I don't think it's damaging for your kids to have you all there. To them it's probably just the norm now. I don't think there's any right way to handle any of this. Each situation and child is different. We just figure it out the best we can and do what we think is best. I'm giving you a virtual hug and a pat on the back. You're a good mom. And about the group hug - yup, that's pushing it definitely. Definitely not a good idea to do that. Sometimes when my kids say stuff like that, I just gently correct them. When I name everyone that I love sometimes at bedtime, they say, "And Daddy too." And I have to say Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce but he'll always be your Dad. I can't tell them that I love him.
Anonymous at 7:48PM - Thanks for reading and writing. Yup, I know a happy mom also means happy kids (most of the time.) I just have to figure out what makes me happy. Maybe that's sitting next to Asshat at a soccer game and putting on the illusion like I don't want to rip his testicles off and feed them to my dog. I'm sure they'd be a good follow up to his hat that she devoured. Or maybe I'll figure out that I can only be happy if Asshat stays as far away as humanly possible while we parallel parent our kids. I don't know.. Gotta figure it out.
DeleteThanks for reading and writing. I appreciate you offering your perspective and insight.
Peace. May the force be with you.
You need to break up with your soon to be ex husband. You seem to be assuming a submissive role in public out of habit(very common in relationships where the man is a useless person and has a low self esteem). Literally, there is nothing to lose in being a bit of a stuck up bitch, lol, I think that might actually set a good example for your kids, mom has boundaries and she won't back down! the guy is a narcicist and already resents you, so there isn't much to lose in making it known that you are only willing to communicate for either emergency or change of plans! Also, you can end all verbal communication with "our family wizard" and I'm the same person who suggested the phone number change. Imagine a world where you never have to speak to him again! It is possible for him to be dead to you, and for you to do 100% of your communicating with a computer screen rather than a short booze scented midlife crisis fuckwad. Trust me you are a person who is constantly improving. In a few years, your life will be absolutely fabulous, probably another husband, and a nice house, maybe more dogs! Anyways, Army Boy will sabotage that wonderful life, so you need to keep him off of you early on, so he won't be able to damage anything you create.
ReplyDeleteLOL at the "booze-scented midlife crisis fuckwad".
DeleteThat's what I'm dealing with in my life. I could never find the right string of adjectives, but you just described him perfectly!
Anonymous at 8:39 pm, you are brilliant! I'd love to get a beer with you and laugh our heads off. You speak the truth, sister! Kay, listen to her and quit kissing your ex's sorry a$$. Just think of wheer it has been...You do not want anything to do with it!
DeleteI must be feeling slap happy because I laughed at needing to break up with my husband. Yup, that might be what I need to do. Cut the copendency bonds that shouldn't even exist anymore. He's a non entity to me. I gotta embrace that.
DeleteI like your vision of my life in a few years. Well, maybe about the nice house and the more dogs, the husband doesn't sound so great. LOL.