In my son's conference I discovered that he accidentally broke another student's finger by closing a door on it. Yup, I said BROKE A KID'S FINGER. OMG. It wasn't malicious and was a total accident but still I wanted to crawl into a hole when I heard that. He never mentioned it to me when it happened. Maybe he blocked it out of his mind the teacher said. Good times.
My daughter's conference centered around the very emotional day that she had today. One of her friends called her a cheater during a game and my daughter got really upset. I forced myself not to look at Army Boy each time the teacher said CHEATER. If it was a drinking game, I would have been intoxicated by the end of the conference. Cheater, cheater, cheater. Did Army Boy squirm each time the teacher said it? No clue, I was afraid to look at him in case the revulsion showed on my face. He probably didn't even flinch since he's so delusional about how he's really done nothing wrong through all this. Good times.
My daughter's conference was just about over and as we were standing up, the teacher said, 'Oh, I wanted to tell you something your daughter said. She told me that she really wants a stepmom or stepdad.' The sound that came next was my jaw hitting the floor. Why, why would the teacher mention that to a divorcing couple? Oh really?, I squeaked and now I'm visualizing Army Boy thinking that gives him license to introduce his whore to my kids. Yup, the teacher said, she must have a friend with a step parent and she wants one too. 'Well, she also wants me to have another baby,' I said, 'and that's not happening either.' I'm not sure why I felt I had to say something so personal, I wish I could manage an uncomfortable silence without filling it with diarrhea of the mouth. Good times.
But I survived another round of parent teacher conferences and can pat my kids on the back and say 'Good job, Honey', well, except for that broken finger.
I can't believe your daughter's teacher said that!!! Completely inappropriate for her to comment like that!
ReplyDeleteI thought it was inappropriate too. For all she knows, I could be a complete hysterical soon-to-be-divorcee bordering on having a nervous breakdown and that could have been what sent me over the edge. Unreal that she mentioned that.
DeleteAwfully awkward, but well-meaning. As a teacher, I understand wanting to share important info - saying that she wants a stepmom or dad is a sign that the girl trusts her teacher with private feelings. Maybe the teacher could have shared that with each of you privately...
ReplyDeleteYes, if she felt it was important to share I think she could have done it privately. Maybe since we were both sitting in the conference she thought we are having an amicable divorce. Well, it is amicable since I haven't emasculated him yet.
DeleteUggh!! I love how my Ex came to the end of the year parent conference for my youngest and just nodded and agreed with the teacher and offered little charming words of thanks as if he had ANY idea what had gone on that year!? It had actually been several weeks since he had even seen his child at that point...and yet there he sat like he was Mr. Involved Parent of the Year. It was all I could do to not scream at the top of my lungs "He has no right to be here!! If you are not parenting at any point during the year...you can't parent now!" But, I bit my tongue, sat there nicely, and made a beeline for my car once it was over. I am hoping this year I can get away with not even notifying him of the conference. I didn't list his name or contact info. on any of the parent info. sheets sent home at the beginning of the year...so maybe I can sneak it by this time!
ReplyDeleteI hear you, Nicole, about your ex offering words when he doesn't even have a clue about what goes on. Same here. They can put on a good show for others but we know the truth.. F_cking fathers of the year alright. I didn't list Asshat on any of the info forms either. I kind of felt like a schmuck doing that but he has never picked up the kids when they've been sick or needed to come home early (well, maybe never is an exaggeration, probably more like he's done it twice to my hundred) and I don't think he's going to start now either so having his name on there makes no difference.
DeleteThanks for reading and writing.
I agree. I felt weird at first for not listing him on the forms, but then it felt very freeing. My Ex was a very controlling man - and this gives me the option to only let him know about things that I decide he HAS to know about (like award ceremonies or anything positive that my son would feel sad if his dad was not there...or at least invited). It is empowering to take back some control - but I wish I didn't have to in the first place.
DeleteSorry to disagree, Anon 9:57, but "well-meaning" isn't even on my list of words to describe that teacher's comment. Sounds like she needs sensitivity training to me. A sign she trusts her teacher with private feelings? Well, guess this is just proof she shouldn't, since the teacher betrayed her confidence by repeating it. Teachers like this need to get back to teaching and stop trying to be counselors. I can't think of a single reason why a teacher would think repeating the step parent comment would be the right thing to do.
ReplyDeleteYup, the teacher must have been absent the day they taught sensitivity training. I probably shouldn't have mentioned that comment to my daughter but I did. I asked her if she said that and she said maybe. She probably didn't want to admit it and won't tell her teacher anything else personal but I really wanted to hear what the heck she was thinking was so great about having a step parent... maybe getting extra presents at Christmas and birthdays????
DeleteKay- I've gotta ask, "Why are you going to conferences with him"? Or better question, "why are you allowing him to show up at your scheduled conferences?" If he wants to know what's going on with the kids, he can schedule his own conference. Teachers should have no problem accommodating this! I know you like to avoid and keep everything calm, but I'm calling you out. You've got to set some boundaries. Between the sitting together at the kids games, inviting him over for kids birthdays....I know you know that your marriage is over. And I don't think you would ever take Army Boy back in a million years. However, I'm just guessing, but it seems like you are still "wishing" you had your life back and in doing so, you are allowing Army Boy to linger around because it gets you some sense of normalcy. Again, I know you know this will never be normal again, but I think somewhere in your subconscious you are struggling, and that is why you are having trouble with the boundaries. This man ruined your life and forever altered the life of your children, stop letting him have his cake and eat it too. Seriously, you keep doing you and be a super mom, but make him work to be a Dad, stop helping him!!
ReplyDeleteOh, and as for your daughter's teacher, Complete Moron.
Spot on advice on the conferences!! I should not feel guilty one bit about not "inviting" the Ex to any parent/teacher conferences. If he wants to know what is going on, he has a phone and a voice and he can call the school and schedule his own conference. Setting boundaries is definitely a growth area for me. I spent 20 years afraid of my Ex's moods and temper - and I am still allowing him to control me every time I hesitate to just do what I think is right and not second-guess my decision based on what his reaction could be.
DeleteI guess I want it to look like an amicable divorce and that's why I'm just carrying on this way. I don't know. The teachers didn't ask for this divorce either, why should they have to do more work than they need to by having two conferences? I'm only half kidding there. LOL. My son's teacher did tell Army Boy when he showed up late that she would be happy to have another conference with him and Army Boy said no thanks.
DeleteYup, you're right that I am struggling internally I guess. I'm still trying to figure out how to do this. I worry about my kids having two parents who can't be in the same room together. I don't want to become one of those types of divorced couples but maybe that wouldn't be that bad considering what a POS he is.
Maybe one day I'll have enough guts to draw up those boundaries. You laid out a pretty convincing argument about why I need to. Thanks for reading and writing.
Nicole - are we twins? You voiced what I was thinking. I spent a lot of years worried about Army Boy's moods too and I certainly second-guess my decisions! Ugh, this sucks so much.
DeleteThanks for reading and writing.
Thanks to you for writing this blog!! I have found that connecting - even in the cyber world - with others who are experiencing the same emotions and struggles really helps. I also have found healing in my DivorceCare group and am slowly learning to set boundaries, trust my own decisions, and look for something positive in each day even though my life (and the lives of my children) have radically changed due to my Ex's selfish actions. My kids are older than yours - 12 and 17 - so I am dealing with all the usual adolescent stuff on my own as well as facing the sad reality that my oldest is a senior and I will only have him home for a short time longer before he heads out into the world. I struggle with hating (yes...hating...I said it) my Ex for what he has done to them (and to me), but I know this is an emotion that only hurts ME for feeling it...he could care less. I am working hard on letting go of the hatred and only using my anger for positive things like giving me the strength to say "no" to him or to set boundaries and take charge of things that I once let him handle (I'm actually kind of shy and not very assertive). Some days, it's hard to get out of bed...but I do and I keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward!! We are moms and therefore the strongest and most loving creatures on earth. We WILL be OK!!
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