I received an email from a very nice reader (Hi there!) who
stated that she was concerned about the tone of my last post. She said that I
still seemed to be raging and this is kind of disconcerting because it’s been
six months since I found out about the affair and what a pig my husband is (my
words, not hers).
Yes, I do still rage occasionally even half a year later but
I would never do anything crazy. Practical and reserved are my middle names.
Teachers even made those actual comments on my report cards in school. ‘K is
very reserved’ stated my third grade teacher. My answer to that is I’m an
introvert, everyone can’t be the life of the party. The world needs introverts
too. (And that makes me think of my husband’s favorite quote, ‘The world needs ditch diggers
too’.) I might spout off the rage but I’m not going to act on it… well,
most likely I won’t act on it.
In defense of my rage, the terms of our divorce are still up
in the air. I have no idea about the custody arrangement, the financial
arrangements or about anything. To a control freak like me, that’s a little bit
of bitter pill to swallow. I’m trying to go with the flow and not stress and
worry too much but it’s still weighing on me about whether or not we’ll have to
sell the house and move the kids in the middle of the school year. I know they’d
get through it but I just don’t want them to have to go through more
upheaval.
The second part of my rage stems from not seeing Army Boy
for so long over the summer. The wound feels fresh again, it hasn't developed
that callous over it like it would have if we had kept seeing him continuously.
All the gross things that I read that he wrote to his whore and all the
disgusting photos that he took and the things that he did just scrolled through
my head in fast forward when I saw him. The memories are fading a little but
when they get stirred up, they are quite powerful and vomit inducing.
I appreciate the concern of that reader. What a wonderful
caring individual to reach out to a complete stranger and say ‘Hey, are you
okay? I’m worried about you.’ I won’t let my rage win, I use my poison pen to
get it all out.
The rage is dissipating and I've moved on to another obsession. A new addition to the family. Know of any Keeshond breeders or
rescues with a puppy for under the price of a used car? We offer love and
companionship and a large Newfoundland as a sister.
although it was very nice of her to send you an email I don't think still feeling these feelings after 6 months is at all abnormal from what I've read it can take as long as 2-5 years to get over this type of betrayal. This is the place to let it all out and get support so just let your poison pen fly and release all those ugly thoughts here that is what it is for and hope you have a wonderful weekend!!!!
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with Fenix. My doctor said I was still in the raw early stages and i am almost a year (still with him but it is hard very hard. He can't understand why i cannot get past it- he has this really clever way of turning it around on me and then I end up apologising when really I want to punch him in his stupid, lying bastard, tossing face). He stopped me from finishing it- made all these promises and yes he has been totally loyal but I can't get over it at the moment. I wish I could turn back time, not to before he did it but from when I said we were over. I wish so hard that I had been stronger as I was in a situation where I could have gone back to my house and rarely seen him. Although his one saving quality is that he would face time the kids everyday and visit every week cos he is totally 100% daddy power. But in all other ways he is just a selfish twat. Anyway i think i have just totally gone off on one sorry but that is my point- we need these sites to sound off on. To share and support each other cos u can't stand swearing in the street or where your kids can hear. You need to tell someone and that is here- all you wonderful ladies supporting each other. Yes we rant but we r not going to kill anyone. We shall.leave that to the real psychos ;-) let it all out Kay and thank you for giving me somewhere to say my partner is a fucking selfish twat of a bastard who deserves to be fucking lonely. I so can't swear in my job / life and at this moment I feel fucking great. Thank you Kay, thank you.
ReplyDeleteFT xxxxxx
Kay,
ReplyDeleteThe way I view this, you have all the leverage. You can threaten to depose the OW and expose him to the military and he is done.
You have the power to end this thing now, no uncertainty. I'm sure he doesn't want the exposure or to go looking for a new job.
It's not going to be easy. But it really is in your hands. Best of luck to you. Don't do anything you will regret as your children really do count on that. They need the one sane parent.
You have a Newfie??! I am so jealous and you are so lucky! I love them and would love to have one one day!!
ReplyDeleteSix months is nothing. I truly think people who make those comments just don't get it. What is six months compared to a fifteen year marriage? These triggers of rage are normal, and sometimes necessary. How does one get over their life being destroyed by a selfish asshole (Seriously, I want the answer to that). I totally understand your rage, and I validate it for you. Whether it's thinking of the pictures he sent to this whore, or the fact that he threw his family away, it all hurts just the same. My current rage moments are: 1. I can't believe he keeps showing up to the kids soccer games like a random spectator while I spend six hours every Saturday dragging two kids to different fields while juggling team snacks. 2. I keep thinking how fast my life changed and how he literally left me all alone. What happened to our "team"?
ReplyDeleteKeep raging Kay, and fight to keep full custody. I'm not sure I'd recommend the above advice, you don't want to get accused of blackmail.....
I say "rage on" sister!! I am 15 months out from my AEX (asshole ex) leaving me with two teenage boys to feed, house, clothe and try and teach how to be men while he shows up occasionally to take them to dinner at a fast food restaurant...or to a ballgame...or just drops by where they are playing basketball to say "hi" once a week or so. He thinks this constitutes being an involved parent. On what planet does seeing your children for a few hours a week = involved parent?? Not on this f-ing planet. He fights me over every penny of the mandated by the state minimum level of child support he pays, and acts like he is doing me a favor because he drops off the check in my mailbox rather than me having to have it garnished from his wages. He's such a prince! I truly think these narcissistic asswipes believe their BS. They truly think they are so wonderful...so involved...children are resilient and do just fine after divorce (he told me that over and over as I sobbed while we worked out the separation agreement with our legal counsel). Uggh. The anger you are feeling is NORMAL. You NEED it to keep going. It's the fuel you need to be both mom and dad for your children because your AEX has decided he no longer wants the job. Anger can also protect you - keep you focused and aware that you can never let your guard down with a narcissist. You have to always be on point and ready to fight for what you need for your children. If you are like me, fighting does not come naturally. I was once an easy-going "whatever you say dear" type of wife. Anger is what gives me the strength and courage to do what I have to do going forward to survive.
ReplyDeleteI guess I would have to agree with the reader who wrote you. I don't think harboring or agreeing to "rage on sister" is good for the soul. Being rid of my ex was a gift as he was not worth ME. And yours is not worth YOU and the sooner you move on, the sooner you are getting the very best "revenge" there is: living well.I think you can be an effective, strong momma to your kids without embracing negative emotions which are bad for your mental and physical health. No way should you let your ex's idiot choices create ill health in you. No use in dwelling on the "what-ifs" or the "what could of/should have beens". The ship has already sailed and I think you deserve to head for a peaceful and content shore. No looking back, Kay. There is nothing you can change about the past and there is everything in the world you can do about your future.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel better, I too am at the six month mark and still feeling a lot of anger and rage. My ex keeps saying and doing things to perpetuate these feelings. I have hope that when my divorce is over, the house is sold and I have moved to my new destination and he is finally out of my life then these feelings will fade. That's the plan and that's what I'm working towards. I think in time it will happen to you too. I have had many well meaning friends and family voice their concerns about my anger too. They are afraid that I will end up an old bitter woman! I don't think that there is a time limit on each persons feelings or a one size fits all way of acting. We all are individuals and our feelings are unique. I think it is hard for others to really be compassionate unless they have gone through the same things. I bite my tongue and show so much restraint with my ex because I want to have my dignity and be a good example for my kids. So I end up bitching and venting to my friends instead. That is what your blog is for.... so bitch on and express your anger!!! It may not be good for the soul but neither is keeping your feelings all bottled in.
ReplyDeleteKeeping your feelings bottled in is never good, but replacing the negative feelings for positive ones benefits not only everyone around you, but most importantly YOU. You may have had things done to you that were cruel - unthinkable really - and they may continue, but you get this one great opportunity to write your own story. You can make a choice to bitch your heart out and fan a fire that burns, but I can guarantee you that those around you get scorched. And I speak from experience when I say that the physical and emotional repercussions from harboring negativity are real and can be deathly serious. Stress destroys us physically and robs our joy, and the more quickly you can detect it and remove it, the better you are in both the short and long run. Like attracts like and I realized that in the end – as corny as this sounds – what I wanted to attract in My Life After Divorce was goodness and light. Fourteen years after my ex left, I have remarried the very best man – He truly is goodness and light. And if I am brutally honest, I realize he never would have been attracted to the ugly me I was heading towards and there were some dark years that I think remained dark because of lessons I failed to learn.
ReplyDeleteThank you for whoever wrote the comment above.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome. It isn't popular sounding, I know. But I only say it because in my life it was so true. My ex left in THE most ugly and spectacular fashion and I had many around me that actually fed the flames in me because they reasoned, "You deserve to be so angry!" It is easy to fall into that thinkning because we can feel so dang untitled, right?! But I can say on this side of the divide, taking the high road - as best I could - paid off in ways I never could have foreseen. All of us that are abandoned by these creeps really do get one great opportunity to write our life story moving forward, and who wants any more to regret? And it developed a habit that lingers still...I am a peace junkie! I crave peace and avoid high drama like the plague! I was truly one who benefited by not taking myself so stinkin' seriously. I had a wonderful,truth-giving friend who would listen to me only up to a point and then she'd happily declare, "Okay, snap out of it. Move ahead. It sucks, but it ain't a brain tumor!" She was right. Very few things in life are a "brain tumor".
ReplyDelete