I don't know what I should have said when Army Boy asked what we were going to do for our son's upcoming birthday. Army Boy wants to have supper all together and he wants to go to the friend birthday party that I throw every year for my kids. Dumbfounded I was. (Yes I turn into Yoda sometimes when I'm in shock.) I agreed but now I wonder if that's swallowing too big of a piece of the shit sandwich.
I don't know how Army Boy can pretend that everything is as it used to be while we were at the soccer jamboree. He sat next to me and talked to a few of my friends. One of my friends said that she couldn't believe the gall of him to just stand there and act like everything is normal and nothing has changed. Apparently he sees nothing wrong with anything he's done so he doesn't feel any shame or embarrassment. I can't fathom it.
I don't know how I should act at this point. Tell Army Boy to stay the fuck away from me or just close my disgust off and say whatever.
I don't know what Army Boy is up to. He's taking extra interest in our kids and appears to be vying for father of the year. Apparently he forgets that not seeing or talking to your children for seven weeks over the summer is an automatic disqualification for that and instead you are in line for the asshole of the year award.
entitled feeling people like him have no shame - he has no idea and probably wouldn't even care if he did. Sometimes I wish I could be like that but truly, I don't want to be because I like being a ethical person with morals even in a world where that isn't rewarded or respected anymore because I value it. Too bad one of your friends didn't call him out that would have H I L A R I O U S!!!!
ReplyDeleteYour words ring true. "Entitled people have no shame..." I have to tell myself that and not be surprised by the fact that he doesn't crawl back into his hole.
DeleteI like being an ethical person with morals too. Live our lives the way we want and don't stoop to their ridiculously low levels. I saw a quote the other day that I like - The difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you do. I want to be a better person, maybe he does not and that's another way we are different.
I am going through the same thing...my son's football game was the other night, and my ex and I were both there. We did not sit next to each other (mainly because I didn't want to climb the bleachers on crutches) but we were cordial to each other (in other words cold) It is very uncomfortable to have him there, but in the future I am going to concentrate on watching my child, and engage in conversation with my friends. He is not my friend and I am not going to pretend that things are just great with us. But I will also not make my kids choose who they want to attend their events or make them decide who to sit next to at an event. The trick is to make things good for your kids without totally sacrificing yourself! Be true to your feelings. I think it is ok for your kids to know that you feel hurt and sad and angry (well, at least that is what my therapist says. She says I don't necessarily have to say bad things about my ex to my kids, but rather focus on how I am feeling and let the kids know that I am sad or uncomfortable or hurt or whatever)
ReplyDeleteMy ex also seems to be vying for the Father of the Year award right now...at least when it comes to the fun side of things (he doesn't want to hear about any trouble/problems with the kids like bad grades, etc) He has actually been a better father the past 2 1/2 months than he has been the previous 14 years prior to that! My friends all say, "It won't last. He has never stuck with anything. It is just a phase to show his girlfriend what a great dad he is! And he is trying to win the kids back." I should be happy that their dad finally cares somewhat, after all I want my kids to be happy, to move beyond all this bullshit. But I am not ready to move on completely, not ready to forgive. It is hard to see my kids be happy with him. I wish they could hate him forever like me! (That is the honesty in how I feel. I don't want anyone to ever forgive him or friend him or be nice to him) But that is not fair to my kids. So I am trying to find the balance in it all. I see this phase as just another step on the road after divorce. Where the road is leading to, I don't know...
Michelle - we must be living a parallel life!! My Ex has suddenly (now that he and his GF are getting serious) started wanting to include our boys in "outings" with the GF and her kids (day trips to the beach, dinners, etc.). I know in my heart that this is just an attempt to show her what a great dad he is! Look how much I love my kids!! It's all an act and I see right through it, but my boys are really happy with all the sudden attention and I can't and won't do anything to stand in the way even though it hurts me to the core to see them used as pawns in his narcissistic game. I make a point not to ask them anything about their dad or the GF after they are dropped off tired and needing dinner and a bath from a day of "fun" with the Ex and her kids because I don't what them to ever feel put in the middle. I just ask them if they had fun, send them to their bathroom to clean up, and start the laundry...'cause that's what REAL parents do.
DeleteMichelle - it sounds like we have very similar experiences. Thanks for sharing. I know it's crappy to deal with all this stuff but it makes me feel less alone to know there's someone out there going through it too. I'm sorry for your pain and the shit you're going through but we can be together in our angst. Misery loves company...
DeleteI want my kids to hate their father too but whenever I say that, a friend at work who had parents that separated for a while when she was young says not to say anything bad about him to the kids (which I haven't). She said when her parents were separated, her mom would talk smack about her dad and she said that she knew that her dad was wrong to do whatever he did but she was more mad at her mother for talking ill of him. UGH. I try to remember that. My relationship with their dickwad of a dad is crap and I know he has sabotaged his relationship with our kids but that's between them and I'm not a part of it. All I can do is be there as best as I can for them.
Hang in there Michelle, I'm told things get better and I know it will for both of us. One day we'll just look at the dirtbags as someone we used to know and happen to share children with.
Nicole - Your kids will see through his narcissism one day. Or maybe they already do but they just need a dad in their lives. I sometimes think it would be easier if the assholes dropped off the face of their earth. Better that than all the confusing mind games they play with the kids.
DeleteReal parents are there for the laundry, the homework, the attitudes, the whatever. Douchebags are there with their facades on pretending to be a parent for a few hours. Hug your kiddos, you've got your priorities straight and I'm sure you're an awesome mom and you'll have a great and happy life.
Here's the only thing that helps me get through times like those: It's better for your kids. Psychologically, it helps them to see you and the King of the Douchbags be civil to each other--even to sit together--at their sporting or school events. It allows them to feel less the pressure of divided loyalties and parental appeasement. As a child of divorce myself, I can tell you that it is helpful to see the parents sit there, be polite, and slap a smile on for the duration of the event. I wish my parents could have done that for me, but they couldn't. The only time I ever saw them speak to each other was, literally, when I was being wheeled into surgery. Not a comforting site at that moment, trust me.
ReplyDeleteSo, even though he makes my blood boil, I do what I can to be friendly to the Tool of the Century at their games/school plays/birthday parties. It's a little gift I give to them. I'm sure he thinks it's me being a spackler or interprets it as his having "won." Whatever. He can think what he likes. He's not my problem anymore.
My parents wouldn't interact with each other at my games, more because they had different social circles. My dad hung out with the former hippy parent who drove volvos and my mom hung out with the ~mommys~. They'd say "Hello" every once in a while. My dad brought his second wife, aka the mistress, to my games , and my mom managed to be kind to them, but hell no she wouldn't sit with them and hang out with them through out the games and performances she did her own thing and they did their own thing. I knew that something was up, and I knew they didn't like being around each other. I guess, I grew up in a household that had "parallel parenting" rather than co-parenting, and it worked out well for me, obviously, I was jealous of my friends who 's mom and dad were connected at the hip, and I can see how feigning civility in public could be good for a kid's self esteem, so I admire what you do for your kids.
DeleteTool of the century. LOL. Thanks Anonymous 1:57PM. It's reassuring to hear that someone else is handling things similarly to me. I wish there was a manual on what to do in these circumstances. Oh well, if there was, I'd probably read it and then throw it in the garbage and say it was bullshit. LOL.
DeleteAnonymous 5:12PPM - Thanks for weighing in from your perspective. It's illuminating to hear from a child of divorce. I'm glad to hear that you said it worked out well for you. You sound like a well adjusted individual. Gives me hope for my kids! Thanks for reading and writing.
He is stealing from you. He is being lazy as a father, and is trying to have his cake. Draw your boundaries!
ReplyDeleteYou need to set boundaries with him. Your life with the children and your time with the children is YOURS. He can have his time with the kids, from his own effort and work. He is trying to benifit from your effort and the life that you create. You are a human being, not a servant, your energy is limited, and you need to refocus it on yourself and your children ONLY. He can no longer have any part of you ever again. He in no way is entitled to benefiting from anything you do, he can do his own thing from now on. You need to set up a letter with your lawyer, that basically ceases all communication with him. You need to get http://www.ourfamilywizard.com, to schedule visits and what not, basically it removes all need for communication with him. You can even change your cellphone number, and set up a google voice account that he can call in case of an emergency when the kids are with him. Otherwise, the account can be turned off when the kids are with you so he can't contact you and try to leach of your parenting.
No contact will truly make him unseen to you. You can write a formal no contact letter with your Lawyer and everything.
Brilliant response!
DeleteYes, you are right. I seem to have an impossible time setting boundaries. I know I need to but I'm still trying to navigate through this. I wish I could just never see him again. I think Goyte's song 'Someone that I used to know' is so right in this line 'You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness'. Ugh. I'm going to read and re-read your advice.
DeleteThanks for reading and writing!
I've been reading your blog for a few months...There is no "WE" anymore. He destroyed that when he betrayed you. The fact he asked if he could come to the party was insane. Why would you want the person who destroyed your world come into your house as in invited guess. Ya, it's your son's bday, I totally get it. However, he can plan his own party and do his own celebration. Why does he get the reap the benefits of your hard work. Back when you were married, that was OK, but not anymore. I understand that your son wants to celebrate with his dad. But that means you are uncomfortable, and you can't enjoy this special time because he is there. Sometimes you have to put YOU first. You deserve that much right now. By the language army boy is using and the fact he asked if he could come to the party speaks volumes that he has no fucking comphresion of the hurt he has caused you. I'm sorry, but I think you need to hold firm and not be so nice.
ReplyDeleteMore good advice. Why is everyone so much more intuitive than I am? I'm just a fucking doormat who has been trained to do what makes Army Boy happy and his life easier. Must get over that.
DeleteI don't think he has any idea of the hurt he has caused me. He did write in his Powerpoint that he knows that I'm 'hurt and angry'. But I don't think he has any idea to what extent that he damaged my faith in people... well, men mostly. :(
I gotta work on being not so nice and pull up the doormat that's covering my face and get a backbone and figure out WTF I want.
Thanks so much for reading and writing!
No one else can tell you what is right for you, but that you need to ask yourself how much you want to swallow your feelings and discomfort, and is this in the best interest of you or your children? Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. They can manage divorced parents sitting in different places on the soccer field sidelines. My kids never even sit still at sporting events and many times they are visiting friends as much as family at these events.
ReplyDeleteIf you are swallowing your discomfort, what are you teaching your children about how to manage their feelings? What is the message they are taking away from you inviting him back in to the family fold on occasion? Are they going to see this as one step back toward reconciliation? Seven is too young for understanding the complexity of all this, so that means it is all on you. Make sure your kids have clarity about what the boundaries are and make sure dad does too.You have a strong commitment to your kids' happiness. That does obligate you to maintain his relationship with them. That is his job, not yours. Next time he wants to know what "we" are doing about a birthday, consider telling him he can plan whatever he wants during his time with the kids and leave it at that.
Yup, my kids are rarely sitting still during sporting events either. They're running around like maniacs. I wonder if it would bother them to have their father and I sit apart. Probably not. Once again, I create more of a problem in my mind than actually exists in the real world.
DeleteYour last line gives me a knot in my stomach... Tell him he can plan what he wants when he has them. That strikes fear in me because he's only having them two weekends a month, what if he decides he wants them more? And then he's going to say that I'm a vindictive bitch again and it's going to turn ugly. Ugh, I know I shouldn't care if he thinks I'm a bitch but me and conflict are old enemies. I avoid it at all costs... Ugh, double ugh. I hate this.
Thanks for reading and writing! I have to think on your words about what this is teaching my children...
I really would not go out of my way to include him. HE made the decisions to create that chasm and so he should live w/ the affects of the.....he can plan and carry out his own celebrations not ride on the coat tails of yours....let him put forth the effort--let him plan something and include you----after all he made the sandwich--let him eat of it...plan your parties w/ friends, neighbors, family.....not douche bag. I did include mine once.....I decided not to make it easy for him to slash and burn our lives.......
ReplyDeleteMore good advice... Thank you for reading and writing. Sometimes it takes someone else's perspective to shine a light on WTF am I thinking?
DeleteMy neighbor called him my dark shadow at one of the sporting events. You're exactly right, he's riding my coat tails, I need to pull the fabric out from underneath him!
He is able to act like nothing has changed, because you continue to act like nothing has changed. You make his double life easy-breezy for him to continue. Kay, in all honesty, would you ever want your daughter to put up with what you continue to tolerate? The healthiest thing for your kids to see is a mom with self-respect and clear boundaries.
ReplyDeleteAll of the readers are so much more perceptive than I am. I would absolutely not want my daughter to put up with any of this. If a man did this to her, I would de-ball him and whisk her off to Tahiti so she would never have to be sullied with his presence again.
DeleteBoundaries, self-respect, I need to develop some of those.
Thank you for your words and for reading. I appreciate the insightfulness!
Please go read Chump Lady. And then read it again. And again.
ReplyDeleteYup, gotta channel Chump Lady. I love her blog and read it religiously. I guess I need to practice what she preaches.
DeleteThanks for reading and writing!