One of my good friends went through a similar experience to me nine years ago. My husband and hers actually know each other. Both were in the same unit of the military. When her husband cheated and deserted his family, Army Boy said he was a dirtbag and what a horrible person he was. Yes, the hypocrisy now astounds me. My friend's ex-husband, the original Dirtbag 1.0, also came to watch his daughter play. She's on the same team as my daughter. Dirtbag 1.0 sat far down the field from his ex wife and they never interacted at all. After the game, his daughter went over to him and they left together because it was his weekend to have her. I observed this whole scenario, weighing it in my mind as I stood next to Dirtbag 2.0.
Several people have told me that I shouldn't feel the need to talk to Army Boy at the kids' events. I can stay away from him and tell him to stay away from me. But I don't know if that's the right thing to do for my kids and for me. I think the awkwardness of it would be too stressful. I don't know. I can't imagine the kids trying to decide who to stand with and what to do. So for the soccer game, I stood next to Army Boy and talked to him and joked and laughed and pretended that it didn't bother me that he chose a new life over his old one. Maybe it's my pride or maybe it's just my aversion to being disliked by anyone but I seem to want to play nice. Sometimes hating him feels like too much effort. It certainly feels fake to stand there and pretend to put aside all the disgusting things he's done but when I think about doing anything else, it exhausts me.
What is the right way to handle this? I have no idea. I don't condone what he did, I think he's a sick mother fucker but acting in a way that doesn't come naturally to me is just too exhausting to contemplate.
I give you props for waving him over. Seriously, that took a lot of guts. If you are doing what's best for your kids, and you are OK with this, then good for you. Do we call this Talking the High Road, maybe. Are you just putting on a good show for your kids, maybe...Just make sure you stay true to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm doing the exact opposite right now, I treat my X likes he is the Invisible Man. He does what I call the "Lurk and Linger" at games. Stands behind me and tries to engage our younger child in conversation. It is awful. But I just can't bring myself to treat him with any respect. Since he had no respect for our marriage and the life we built together, I now have no respect for him as a human being. Hence, he gets no small talk or story sharing from me....
I think the right way to handle it is the way that feels right to you.
ReplyDeleteIf joking and chatting does not feel right, don't do that. On the times that I chose that path, I would wind up angry afterward and unsure why I was angry. After a few repeats, I realized I was pissed at myself. He treats me like that, and I joke around with him? I did it a few times before I realized that the level of anger I felt inward at myself after allowing myself to joke and chat with him -- that inner anger was my sign that this wasn't right for me.
I sometimes forget, like you - hating him feels like too much work. But, being politely distant - that isn't hate. You don't have to scowl and sit across the field. But you don't have to stand by his side and joke around either.
Think about what feels right for you -- your stomach might help you out with this too. After bouts of being nice and chatty with him, I couldn't eat and my stomach was upset the rest of the day, along with being in a pissed off mood. If I couldn't listen to my brain, my body sure gave me the answer.
if you are able to to take the high road do it - truly the most important thing in this whole mess is that the kids are taken care of emotionally and physically and the fact that you can do this shows that you have their best interests at heart just like a mom should and it's sad that Armyboy doesn't but if you can make this any easier on them than do it but don't do it if isn't good for you emotionally because the truth is that you can only take care of you kids if you take care of you first
ReplyDeleteyou can tell dirtbag you aren't interested in talking to him without actually putting some huge distance between your bodies. I mean I get your point that you don't want the kids to feel like they have to choose who to share their excitement with over a goal or whatever but is it either or? Can't you just be in the general vicinity and lay down a boundary that you are both there for the kids but you don't want to talk to the guy?
ReplyDeleteEvery time I check your blog I am SO very glad I had no children.