Blink and Months Go By

Merry effing Christmas! Another year of festivities, another year of doing all the shopping, another year of wrapping all the presents, another year of divorce. Yeehaw. 

So, yeah, I started this post the day after Christmas. Time got away from me. Fast forward months later and I'll say happy fucking Valentine's Day! Fricking most stupid 'holiday' EVER. 

Things are good here. I'm good. Kids are good. Peace and goodwill on earth. Life is busy. Work, kids, sports, and dating. Yup, I said dating. I took a hiatus for a while because I only was finding shitbags. Then I went on a date, resigned to 'ugh, why do I keep doing this?' and uh, I like him. Like like him. 

This guy seems nice, real nice. I've only been seeing him a few months but we've logged some significant together time during that period. He knows I have trust issues (to say the least) and says he's willing to be patient. He's met my kids and they seem to like him. I'm still waiting for his cold dark soul to emerge. Isn't that awesome? I'm getting to know him with the expectation that he's going to be a douchebag and end up breaking my heart. Is that normal? I'm thinking probably not for most people but for those in a certain club, yeah, it's probably to be expected. 

My daughter seems to enjoy my 'boyfriend'. (Insert awkward giggle. I'm 40 and I have a boyfriend. That label makes me uncomfortable in so many ways.) My son is a different story. He's used to being the only male in my life. He makes semi-rude comments but he also seems to want boyfriend's attention. 

I'm trying to walk a fine line. Attempting to build a relationship and being a good mom, that's a challenging thing to navigate. Some days I ask myself if it's worth it. Kids are little for such a finite period of time, maybe I should just be alone. But being alone can be a real drag sometimes. I dunno. I'm just going to keep on keepin' on I guess. 

Pinkie Promises

'Mommy, are you going to go on any more dates?' My seven year old son's voice piped up from my neck where he had buried his head.

'As a matter of fact, I'm going out with a friend for lunch tomorrow,' I replied. 

'Is it the guy who talks about himself too much?' he asked. Ugh, after my last date, I made the mistake of telling the kids the guy was a border-line narcissist. 

'No, this is someone else,' I said.

'If you get a boyfriend, I'm going to hate him,' he said.

'Do you hate Peggy Thomas?' I asked. Peggy Thomas is not the name of the ex's girlfriend. It's just a silly name my kids came up with because they have a hard time remembering her name.

No, I don't hate Peggy Thomas, he answered.

 'Why would you hate my boyfriend then?' I asked.

My son looked at me and simply said, 'You're my MOMMY.'

That tugged at my heart a little but I still replied, 'That's a double standard.' 

'I don't know what that means,' he said. Then he looked at me and said, 'You have to pinkie promise you won't kiss him.'

After laughing for five minutes, I said good night. 

Fizzlin' Out

Contrary to popular belief, I haven't crawled into a hole and curled up in the fetal position. I'm just a bad blogger. Story of my life, I try to do everything and I do it...badly. I was in a funk for a while but a friend gave me a much needed kick in the ass so I clawed my way out. I've been busy with end of summer hi jinks, back to school festivities and the start of soccer season shenanigans. That all sounds much more glamorous than it is. Heh heh.

I've also been busy dating. Yup, it's been quite the season for interviewing prospective love interests. One guy was all set to introduce our children to each other after three dates. No thank you, I said. He said you need to have a life too, K, your kids will be okay. We agreed to disagree about that. I informed him he was much too serious and we needed a break. He's having a hard time disengaging and still texts me asking why we can't see each other. I do like him but don't really 'like like' him. I don't want to lead him on so yeah, that's about what I told him. He's okay being friends for now but I think he's hoping that something more will build out of that. I kind of wish it would because he's a nice guy but I can't force something that isn't. 

Another guy gives me the warm fuzzies but he acts mostly non-committal. Perhaps that's why I like him. Playing hard to get evidently puts the thrill of the hunt in me. Huh, I had no clue. I'm hoping that his non-committal way is an act and he's really into me but I won't be holding my breath for him to sweep me off my feet. 

Bachelor #3 is a business man, an author of several books and a well known speaker in his field. He is great on paper; he told me he likes me 'a lot' but frankly I can't imagine being his everything long term. We have different interests and hobbies. He's professional and smart, everything I thought I was looking for. But my bell isn't ringing when I see him. I'm not sure if I'm looking for Fabio in a world full of Tom, Dicks and Harrys or what but I'm starting to get annoyed with myself. I seem to only be attracted to guys who are uninterested in me. 

Over the summer, I didn't have to tell the kids about my dates because they were at my parents' house often enough that I could easily schedule things when they were gone. Now I have to deal with sitters and questions about where I'm going. This weekend my daughter showed some angst over me seeing a man. 'You don't have to worry right now,' I said, 'you have to see someone for a while to build a relationship. And sometimes things fizzle out after a few dates.' 

My daughter said, 'I hope things fizzle out then because you're a single lady.' Maybe she's been listening to Beyoncé too much or perhaps that's how she really feels. I'll have to keep an eye on that. 

Kate Spade and Questionable Decisions

Depression is a sneaky bitch. It makes you do things (and people) you normally wouldn't do. Hello, Mr 26-year old, I'm looking at you. Depression is staring at an endless number of paint chips and not being able to choose a color for the backside of a door. Jesus, I'm indecisive, yes, but come on. Struggling for days over a color that barely anyone but me will see. Puh-leaze.

Depression is staring at your children as they drive away with your ex again and knowing you have years of this ahead. Depression is sitting on the couch and watching movie after movie while shoveling in mounds of peanut butter even though you passed full about 45 tablespoons ago. It's staring mindlessly at the tv and staying up too late even though you have to get up early in the morning because you don't want to be alone with your thoughts. 

Depression is laying in bed while your dogs stare at you to get up, asshole, I'm hungry and I need to go out. It's walking around a department store with a Kate Spade purse over your arm, debating with yourself if you need it and can afford it. No and no. Depression is smelling the nasty cat litter and thinking I'll catch you later, right now I have a whole lot of sitting to do. 

Depression sucks. When the feeling of not being able to get out of your own way comes over you, it's all you can do to push the covers off in the morning and put one foot in foot of the other. Blah. I know I'll feel better when I start painting that door and go out with some friends. But for a little while, I'm going to pull the covers over my head and tell the dogs to leave me the fuck alone. 

                                                 Source

That Just Happened

So I'm 40 and unhitched, footloose and fancy free. Right? Right. Sign me up to have some casual 'relationships'...because that's what people do I'm told. Sounds like fun? Uh, I guess. Only not so much. I don't think I'm the casual type of girl. Just like so many other things, it sounded better in my mind. I'm not saying it won't happen again but I'm saying yeah, it'd be nice to have a connection in more ways than one.

I have a big question that I'm hoping to find a positive answer for. Are there any normal guys over the age of 40 who are single? 'Cause I'm looking and what I'm finding are pervs who think a dick shot is a good advertisement, guys who tell me their cats named themselves, guys who are 'just about to be divorced' (uh huh), guys who are going to move here and they're visiting for a week and need a tour guide (uh huh), guys who want to 'build a relationship based on love and respect' and then want all my personal information right off (uh huh), 26 year olds who like older women (couldn't say no to that, who can blame me?), and the list goes on and on.

One guy basically called me a serial dater because I've been on a few dates in a month. Really? I'm a serial dater after a few dates? Excuse me for using my time wisely when the kids have been with their dad or at my parents' house. And I'm so fucking sorry that I haven't found my knight in shining armour in the first five seconds of looking. 

I've only been playing the field for a short time so I'm trying not to get depressed. Goddamn though, it's pretty frustrating to think there are so many men out there who are liars, pervs and cheats. I guess my ex isn't that unique after all.

The Best Way to Get Over Someone....

Mission accomplished. And I'm picking out china patterns as we speak because I'm totally sure he's Mr Right. 

And the Horse You Rode In On

I was doing okay this week, staying busy and not thinking much. Then I facetimed with my kids and heard their sweet little voices. 'I love you Mommy, I miss you.' The cursed connection was bad so I couldn't see their faces. But that was probably a good thing because then my tears started to flow.

We had to end the call quickly, the reception was horrible. Then I got a text - 'I love you.' Then 'So much.' <tears>

A mother's love is primordial. I want them in my nest. I want to know what they're doing and how they're feeling. And to have no control over the situation is indescribable. Bitterness, anger, hate, I'm feeling the gamut tonight. 

* I know some of my coworker friends think I'm too sensitive and over the top about my kids being away from me. But I'm an INFJ - we feel shit deeply.