Depression is staring at your children as they drive away with your ex again and knowing you have years of this ahead. Depression is sitting on the couch and watching movie after movie while shoveling in mounds of peanut butter even though you passed full about 45 tablespoons ago. It's staring mindlessly at the tv and staying up too late even though you have to get up early in the morning because you don't want to be alone with your thoughts.
Depression is laying in bed while your dogs stare at you to get up, asshole, I'm hungry and I need to go out. It's walking around a department store with a Kate Spade purse over your arm, debating with yourself if you need it and can afford it. No and no. Depression is smelling the nasty cat litter and thinking I'll catch you later, right now I have a whole lot of sitting to do.
Depression sucks. When the feeling of not being able to get out of your own way comes over you, it's all you can do to push the covers off in the morning and put one foot in foot of the other. Blah. I know I'll feel better when I start painting that door and go out with some friends. But for a little while, I'm going to pull the covers over my head and tell the dogs to leave me the fuck alone.
Sometimes I can't even believe how you can describe something going on in your life and it is exactly the same for me!! What really hit the nail on the head was staying up way too late! I do that as well. When my kids went away for spring break with the ex, I basically watched all 4 seasons of Game of Thrones...episode after episode after episode. Even now that my kids are home, I stay up very late every night knowing that most mornings I will not be able to sleep in (mostly because my thoughts wake me up and so the best thing to do is get out of bed and distract myself. Always promising that that night I will go to bed early and always breaking that promise)
ReplyDeleteIt's the feeling you have when you wake up and you know something is wrong. I get it every morning when the kids are going to my X. Mine are leaving for 4 days with his parents, and I felt like I was going to puke when I woke up this morning. I too am in the stay up late club. My guilty pleasure was binge watching the series "The Wire". I just finished on Saturday and now I feel even more alone. I will say that Melatonin works wonders and it has zero side effects. It's all about putting one foot in front of the other in the morning. Might be cheesey, but I'm constantly singing that phrase my head, which also happens to be from the Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer Christmas special circa 1970 something....It's got a catchy tune and it makes me smile for a few seconds as I try to get out of bed...
ReplyDelete-TJ
Depression sucks ass but it's all part of the process. You might regret recent choices but so what. You learned something from them you didn't know before, or had forgotten. Don't disappear into yourself now - ruthlessly challenge yourself. Do you really believe down to your soul the narrative you have interpreted for yourself? Your moral high ground, the new woman as skanky whore etc. It needs to really, really feel true for you to heal. If it does, then you're on the path, farther along than you were but not as far as you will be. So good. If there is some fundamental doubt though you need to reframe so you can claim some power than gets drained off when we are not completely honest with ourselves.
ReplyDeleteHugs and strength,
Me (Again)