We had to end the call quickly, the reception was horrible. Then I got a text - 'I love you.' Then 'So much.' <tears>
A mother's love is primordial. I want them in my nest. I want to know what they're doing and how they're feeling. And to have no control over the situation is indescribable. Bitterness, anger, hate, I'm feeling the gamut tonight.
* I know some of my coworker friends think I'm too sensitive and over the top about my kids being away from me. But I'm an INFJ - we feel shit deeply.
Fortunately, the only opinion that matters is the one you have of yourself. What the heck is "too sensitive? Meanwhile, I think you nailed it with the comment about lack of control. When a tornado rips through your house, you might be left "naked in the wind". However we go about picking up the pieces to go on, it is all about gaining back what control we can.
ReplyDelete'Too sensitive' means that my friends at work are sick of hearing about my woes. LOL. I can't say too much about them though, they have been great through all my struggles and sometimes just feel the need to give me a kick in the ass.
DeleteThanks for reading and writing.
Yup, as always, we are living parallel lives. I feel your pain. We had kids because we wanted a family, but more importantly, we had kids to see them every day; we want to know what they ate, who they played with, etc, etc.... I feel the same way every freakin week when they go to my X's two nights a week. It is that maternal instinct. Our babies have been taken from us and we are super pissed about it, and rightfully so. When people make comments that I should enjoy the "me" time and not be so attached, I just think to myself that they have no clue what they are talking about. Ask them to send their kids away for "X' amount of days every single week of the year and then tell you how they feel. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it just doesn't. I'm even dating someone right now, and I'd still trade-in any guy if it meant getting full custody of my kids....I'm right there with you Kay!
ReplyDelete-TJ
You described it exactly! A few people said that soon I will appreciate having my kids be away at the ex's. Uh, not so much.
DeleteThanks for reading and writing TJ!
Oh Kay. Big hugs to you. I know this won't matter much to you right now, but please know that it does get a little bit easier over time. I wanted to die. DIE, the first several weekends the kids were gone. And the first (and by the way, only) time Big Daddy took them for a week? Gah.
ReplyDeleteI am several years out and all of those shitty emotions still show up. We are very similar, my friend. I am an INFP. Sometimes I curse all these feelings.
Once again I find myself wishing we lived in the same neighborhood. You and me, and about 25 or 50 of my other readers who are all so similar. We would sit on my porch, or out in the backyard around a fire, and give each other the support and love we all need. This is a really sucky situation to be in, and nobody gets it unless they've gone through it too.
Hang in there, Kay. I promise you, it will all be okay.
INFP. Yup, I knew we were kindred spirits. Again, I'm sorry we share a similar path connected to douchebags.
DeleteI would love to hang with you on a front porch, back deck, living room, family room, etc. Alcohol and stories flowing freely. That would be so much fun!
Thanks for reading and writing Jenny.
I feel the same as you, Kay and Happy Hausfrau! I did not have kids to be a part-time parent! I believe a huge reason for the divorce was that he couldn't handle the kids anymore. Their activities were putting too big of a dent in his own activity time. He just doesn't want to grow up. This past spring break, he took them on vacation for 5 days, and I cried/ached but it wasn't as bad as in the past. Now, he is talking about taking them on vacation this summer for another whole five days! And I am kind of looking forward to it. But, my situation is a little different. I have my kids full time (wouldn't want it any other way). The youngest will spend every other weekend with the ex, but the two oldest never spend time with him unless they all go out of town on vacation. And my oldest is a teenager and he wears me out! I have to deal with all the problems/issues solo ALL THE TIME. So a break does help to recharge me. But, I hate being alone, I hate being divorced, and most of all I HATE him!
ReplyDeleteDitto on this - But, I hate being alone, I hate being divorced, and most of all I HATE him!
DeleteI hope you're having a good summer Michelle and are doing fun stuff to decompress. Being a single parent isn't for the faint of heart and doing it throughout the school year is enough to make even a Saint scream.
Thanks for reading and writing.
It is a great summer! Going by way too fast! I wish I could just freeze time for about a year...no one gets any older, and same day over and over again! I always dread the school year starting again :(
DeleteI think it is going by fast because I just got back from a 27 day road/camping trip with my kids! We went out to Oregon and down the coast to the Redwoods in Cali, then to San Fran, Lake Tahoe and home again! I never could have done this trip before (ex wouldn't want to, broken leg, kids too young), so there was a big sense of freedom/accomplishment in doing it!
Wow, Michelle, that sounds like an amazing trip! Such an awesome experience for your kids and for you!
DeleteI dread the school year starting too. Slow. time. down.
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