Kate Spade and Questionable Decisions

Depression is a sneaky bitch. It makes you do things (and people) you normally wouldn't do. Hello, Mr 26-year old, I'm looking at you. Depression is staring at an endless number of paint chips and not being able to choose a color for the backside of a door. Jesus, I'm indecisive, yes, but come on. Struggling for days over a color that barely anyone but me will see. Puh-leaze.

Depression is staring at your children as they drive away with your ex again and knowing you have years of this ahead. Depression is sitting on the couch and watching movie after movie while shoveling in mounds of peanut butter even though you passed full about 45 tablespoons ago. It's staring mindlessly at the tv and staying up too late even though you have to get up early in the morning because you don't want to be alone with your thoughts. 

Depression is laying in bed while your dogs stare at you to get up, asshole, I'm hungry and I need to go out. It's walking around a department store with a Kate Spade purse over your arm, debating with yourself if you need it and can afford it. No and no. Depression is smelling the nasty cat litter and thinking I'll catch you later, right now I have a whole lot of sitting to do. 

Depression sucks. When the feeling of not being able to get out of your own way comes over you, it's all you can do to push the covers off in the morning and put one foot in foot of the other. Blah. I know I'll feel better when I start painting that door and go out with some friends. But for a little while, I'm going to pull the covers over my head and tell the dogs to leave me the fuck alone. 

                                                 Source

That Just Happened

So I'm 40 and unhitched, footloose and fancy free. Right? Right. Sign me up to have some casual 'relationships'...because that's what people do I'm told. Sounds like fun? Uh, I guess. Only not so much. I don't think I'm the casual type of girl. Just like so many other things, it sounded better in my mind. I'm not saying it won't happen again but I'm saying yeah, it'd be nice to have a connection in more ways than one.

I have a big question that I'm hoping to find a positive answer for. Are there any normal guys over the age of 40 who are single? 'Cause I'm looking and what I'm finding are pervs who think a dick shot is a good advertisement, guys who tell me their cats named themselves, guys who are 'just about to be divorced' (uh huh), guys who are going to move here and they're visiting for a week and need a tour guide (uh huh), guys who want to 'build a relationship based on love and respect' and then want all my personal information right off (uh huh), 26 year olds who like older women (couldn't say no to that, who can blame me?), and the list goes on and on.

One guy basically called me a serial dater because I've been on a few dates in a month. Really? I'm a serial dater after a few dates? Excuse me for using my time wisely when the kids have been with their dad or at my parents' house. And I'm so fucking sorry that I haven't found my knight in shining armour in the first five seconds of looking. 

I've only been playing the field for a short time so I'm trying not to get depressed. Goddamn though, it's pretty frustrating to think there are so many men out there who are liars, pervs and cheats. I guess my ex isn't that unique after all.

The Best Way to Get Over Someone....

Mission accomplished. And I'm picking out china patterns as we speak because I'm totally sure he's Mr Right. 

And the Horse You Rode In On

I was doing okay this week, staying busy and not thinking much. Then I facetimed with my kids and heard their sweet little voices. 'I love you Mommy, I miss you.' The cursed connection was bad so I couldn't see their faces. But that was probably a good thing because then my tears started to flow.

We had to end the call quickly, the reception was horrible. Then I got a text - 'I love you.' Then 'So much.' <tears>

A mother's love is primordial. I want them in my nest. I want to know what they're doing and how they're feeling. And to have no control over the situation is indescribable. Bitterness, anger, hate, I'm feeling the gamut tonight. 

* I know some of my coworker friends think I'm too sensitive and over the top about my kids being away from me. But I'm an INFJ - we feel shit deeply. 

Awkward Hand Shaking Commences

So I heard through the grapevine that the ex had his brother and sister over to meet his whore the other day. How does one introduce your affair partner to your immediate family? 

'This is the skanky whore that I cheated on my wife with.' Hand shaking commences. 'Pleased to meet you,' says skanky whore. Brother and sister awkwardly think of things to say. 

'So how did you two meet?' Strike that, that's not a safe topic. 'So how long have you been together?' Strike that, can't go there either. 'So what do you think about the weather?' 

My kids will be spending the next week with their dad. That's the longest period that I will have gone without seeing them in their whole lives. To say that I'm on the verge of the crazy abyss is an understatement. 

I have plans to stay busy during the week. Get-togethers with friends, maybe a date, some projects around the house, maybe a date, working late, maybe a date. I'm hoping to keep my thoughts of 'I wonder what they're doing right now' to under 2.5 million. Wish me luck.