Dante's Circle of Hell

I'm pretty sure one of Dante's circles of hell should include cohabitation with your husband, whom you just recently found out has been having an illicit long-term affair behind your back. Every day things that were so simple before take on such greater meaning. Doing the laundry and coming across a pair of his boxers makes me want to curl up and die but instead I throw them in a basket with all of his other things. Saying goodnight after the kids are tucked in bed used to involve a quick kiss and now involves a cold, "Goodnight." Setting the table for supper previously included me asking him what he wanted to drink. Now I just set drinks out for the kids and myself.

Yet I still find myself wanting to do all of these things because he's my husband and I've loved him for over 18 years. The heart has a hard time forgetting old habits even when so much pain and anguish try to cover them up. I'm realizing something through all of this. Hate and bitterness, for me at least, take so much more thought and energy than just turning off my emotions and going on autopilot. So for tonight at least, I've turned off the hate and anger and I set the table with a glass of ice water for my husband at supper. Does it really make a difference in the whole scheme of things? No, not really. But I don't choose hate and bitterness, or at least at this moment I'm strong enough to not choose it. I choose love for my children and myself. And if putting that damn glass of ice water on the table makes me feel like a good person because I can rise above everything that is going on then I might as well just do it. For making the conscious effort NOT to do it seems to take so much more effort than just doing it. So for the next few weeks while my husband continues to live in my house, he will get his glass of ice water. But I still refuse to fold his underwear.