Yesterday was my 39th birthday and it was a difficult day. Even though I had friends and family wishing me happy birthday all day long, all I could think of was that my husband no longer cares it's my birthday. He no longer wants to celebrate the day that I was born. All he cares about is getting away from me, the person he blames for all of his unhappiness.
Somehow I made it through the day at work and picked up my children at after-care. My daughter and several of her friends had made me birthday cards and I opened them up at home and started to cry. I just stood in the kitchen hugging my daughter with tears running down my face, thanking her and her friends for their thoughtful cards. Then I escaped to my bathroom and sobbed in peace. Somehow this was all too much to take on a day that is typically one to be celebrated.
After composing myself, I went back downstairs to eat the takeout supper that my husband had picked up and then we had cake. I'm assuming that my children asked him to get it when they all went to pick up the food. We sat on the couch eating the cake and my husband was watching some show on ESPN. My sweet little son asked, "Daddy, can we please watch something else?" It was 7:45 and the kids go to bed at 8. My husband simply said, "No" and left it on ESPN. Seriously, you are going to be moving out in a few short weeks and you won't change the channel to something that we all want to watch for 15 minutes?
The selfishness still strikes me a blow every time. But each time my husband does something like this, never putting his family first, it makes it a little easier to say goodbye. A little easier to take a breath and think, we are going to be okay without him. Having someone in your life that takes up too much of your energy and just saps the strength out of you is a sad way to live and I'm so tired of it. Even if this other woman somehow has "won" my husband, I should be thankful that she's done me a favor because at this point, I don't feel loved or cherished or respected and I don't think my kids feel that their father puts their needs above his own. That's a pretty sad role model to have when you're 6 and 8 years old and growing up trying to figure out what's important in this world.
Today I'm choosing love and strength. Love for my children and hope that they know that I will always put them first. And strength to get through all this horribleness being dealt to us right now so we can all live our lives with feelings of being cherished and loved and respected.
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