Breathe, that's what I need to do. I need to take the time to breathe. Or at least that's what my counselor says as I rush ahead with making plans. Plans to sell the house, plans to move the kids and I, plans to end all of this misery and put it behind us. But there's no hurrying any of this. There's no rushing to the finish line so all of this agony can be over. You just have to take one day at a time and hopefully, maybe, one day won't feel like a month of days all rolled in to one.
Tomorrow we have the appointment with the realtor that I was so eager for. So anxious to get this house listed so I can move on to the next step of this process. But I've decided to take a breath and maybe wait on making a decision about the house. We'll meet with the realtor and get some information about listing, but at this point in time, I'm going to have to slow things down and try to figure out what's the best thing for us. Is moving really the answer? Probably not right now for the kids. But can we financially sustain this house along with my husband's apartment? He's willing to try and I guess I should be too so I can avoid further trauma for my kids.
Tonight at supper, my daughter said, "I made Daddy something for when he moves out." Spoken so calmly and proudly. I can't imagine being 8-years old and speaking about the day your father moves out but maybe that's the world that we live in now. Separated families, single parents, step-families, children living with grandparents. So many different situations in this modern world.
We notified the kids' teachers and guidance counselor about the upcoming divorce. My daughter had already shared the news at school but I thought it should come from us as well. I was told that my daughter was just as calm and open at school about it as she is at home and that we must have handled the conversation in an open and honest way. I feel proud that the kids are handling it so well and hope that it continues on. It could have gone a different way if I had let my bitterness and anger take over. But that would have led to even more bitterness and anger towards myself mostly, so I've refused to give in to that. I know the news really won't sink in for my kids until Daddy moves out and all of his stuff is gone but for now they are coping and I am thankful for that.
I"m still struggling with my "can't we just work it out" thoughts and then I kick myself for being so weak. I would be willing to take back a man who cheated on me for a year and a half and never once said that he would be willing to give up his affair? I hope that my answer to that is no because I have more respect for myself than that but I'm so tired of all this and just want things to go back to 'normal' that I almost think that I would. And then I think back over the past few years and how unhappy I've been and pray that one day I will consider this the best thing that could have happened once we get past the pain and all the uncertainties about what the future will bring. I still can not imagine myself as a divorced mother of two but why am I any better than any other divorced woman? Why did I think this would never happen to me?
This evening just before bedtime, my son came over and laid next to me on the couch and sweetly put his head on my shoulder. I hugged him and then had to get up to let the dog in. When I came back, my son was laying on top of my husband on the loveseat, hugging him as hard as he could. Did this make my husband's heart wince in pain like it did mine? Knowing that he won't be there every night to enjoy those hugs and moments of sweetness? I have no idea what he was thinking but I do believe that men (not all but maybe most) are wired differently than women and are able to disassociate themselves because how else could your unhappiness and selfishness cause you to tear apart your family and bring so much pain to the children that you love? My husband seems to blame me for all the unhappiness in his life but my counselor says that you can't look to another person for happiness, you have to find that in yourself. So maybe I should take that advice to heart and believe that when my husband moves out, I will find happiness in myself and that will be enough.
Kay, this is incredibly hard stuff to live through, as all of us know when we've been through it. One of the toughest things can be to see that the man in midlife crisis can often swan off seamlessly to the new life he's carefully set up while his wife and kids are left dealing with terrible pain. MLCers often switch off from their Ex-es completely and act as if you're just making a fuss. Since their new life is all in place, why should they care that the Ex finds herself betrayed and alone and often a single parent? But you have your feet on the ground and you're doing a great job of reassuring your kids. You'll get through this and out the other side. Most of us do. (from Inprovence.)
ReplyDeleteThanks cath. This has all just happened so fast that I can't seem to catch my breath through it all.
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