Army Boy emailed me a few days ago. 'What's going on for Halloween? Can I tag along?' Knot in my stomach immediately forms. 'Hello, you walked away from this family, how about you go fuck yourself?' That thought bubbled in my mind and almost, ALMOST, flowed from my fingers onto the keyboard. One thing stopped me though.
I went out to lunch with a friend this week. Her parents divorced when she was in college. It was an ugly, 'I can't stand to even be in the same room with you now' messy divorce. My friend said that she wishes her parents could tolerate each other because it would make things a whole lot easier. I kept that thought in mind when I responded to Army Boy. If my friend was an adult when her parents got divorced and the conflict was upsetting to her, how would my 7 and 9 year old kids feel about their parents constantly being at each other's throats?
So I wrote back to Army Boy and did what I always do, I said you are welcome to join us. I know many people think that I need to set boundaries and I probably do but I'm really not a masochist or a sadist. I'm a realist. This is my life now and he is what he is but he is also the father of my children. We both love our kids. I could say we each love them in our own way but I won't go down that road.
Army Boy joined us for trick or treating and the kids said they had a great Halloween. And that's all that matters really. I got through it and it wasn't even that difficult. I just think of Army Boy as a dim-witted distant relative now and it makes it much more palatable to be around him.
That was a REALLY nice thing you did for your kids. When they are your friend's age, they will realize how hard things were and appreciate it. I think it is fine to have things you won't do and share with AB; you don't have to be a punching bag. But I admire how much you love your kids and are trying to be the adult here around such a horse's ass.
ReplyDeleteYou are a better woman than I am! I didn't even mention to my Ex what my youngest son was doing for Halloween (he went with a friend to his neighborhood). He called that night and got son's voice mail (I heard his phone pick up). I have no idea if son called him back or not. I am really trying to get to a place of "meh" where I just don't even think about the Ex or what he is doing. My kids are 12 and 17 - if they want their dad to know what they are doing, they will call him and let him know (that's what those expensive cell phones are for). I have just stopped informing him of anything. He has a computer - he can check the school websites for dates just like I do. He left. He walked away from his family. He has a new girlfriend and is starting a new life with her and her child. I am under no obligation to contact him about anything now other than "will you be dropping off your (tiny) child support check this evening or tomorrow morning?"
ReplyDeleteI admire you too because ultimately it is all about how best to support the kids through this ordeal - yes he is a horse's ass but at least he is making some efforts and that should be encouraged not discouraged because father's are important to kids development I applaud your momminess!!!! and like you said you can't live in the past forever he did you wrong you got mad now your getting to meh and that's the best and good for your kids
ReplyDeleteWith all due respect, it appears that you are still doing the "pick me! dance" under the guise of "what is best for the kids". Civility is one thing, sleeping with the devil is another. You need to make the emotional break from him once and for all, and move on to peace. It makes me so sad to know what goodness is in front of you, but you can't step out of the mire to go after your new and so. much. better. life.
ReplyDeleteyou need to let go of this idiot----REA:LIZE YOU ARE NOT A FAMILY ANYMORE_---he decided he did not want his family----he decided he would not be there every night to help kids with homework,to, read stories to,time to bond-he did not want to be a full time dad to his own blood,he would not see them grow and he would not give them hugs and kisses every day-----not to his own kids but HEV WILL BE A FULLTIME STEP DAD TO OW KID___honey he left you and the kids----you need to set your boundaries-----he speaks to the kids not you---you do not have to tell him all about the kids----HE LEFT THEM---let him call the kids----you are not responsible for or to him--------YOU ARE NOT A FAMILY-----remember that----your kids have to know that it was their father who left----it was his decision-----you are making a big mistake thinking the kids do not realize that their dad does not want them ---they know this but you do not---how can you say he loves them---if he did he would be at home RAISING THEM-----not raising someone elses child----do not belive his lies------cut as much communication as you can YOUR KIDS WILL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM----he is to them a constant reminder that DADDY LEFT US FOR ANOTHER FAMILY<HE DID NOT LOVE THIS FAMILY-----I went through this and so did my siblings after my dad left with the ow---WE ALWAYS KNEW THAT WE WERE HIS PART-TIME KIDS THE ONES HE ONLY SAW TWICE A MONTH,THE ONES THAT NEVER SAW HIM AT NIGHT BEFORE BED TIME,THE ONES THAT WANTED TO HAVE DADDY TUCK THEM IN BED AT NIGHT BUT DADDY WAS AT HIS HOUSE TUCKING IN THE OW KID,THE ONE HE KISSED AND HUGGED EVERY NIGHT
ReplyDeleteNo offense, lastdance, but your post is a little harsh. You may certainly speak from your own experience and perspective, but that doesn't give you the right to define what someone else should do. How do you know Kay's kids will be better off without their father? I hear your pain, and I am sorry you are experiencing it. But you are kidding yourself if you think there aren't as many different types of solutions for broken families as there are different types of broken families.
ReplyDeleteKay, you have to find your own way, and I for one and cheering you on. You know what feels right and what doesn't for you and your family. Good, loving, caring parents compromise and negotiate every situation to do what they feel is best for their kids. The lines might be different in different situations, and they might look different now and in the future. Don't beat yourself up over every decision. There are too many of them in every day. Do what feels right and live and learn from how that turns out. It's a journey.