I haven't been to see a counselor since the spring. I was doing better, I thought. I knew I wasn't the crazy one, he was, so I took the summer off. Well apparently I declared myself healed a little too prematurely. My daughter's counselor asked to see me alone and I thought she likely just wanted to talk in private about my daughter's challenges. Nope, she wanted the full story of what had happened with Army Boy and wanted to let me know I was a little on the thin side. Really? I haven't been told I was too thin since...well, NEVER.
The counselor wanted to make sure that I was okay and was eating enough. I'm eating fine, I said, but I did pass out in the shower last week, probably due to tiredness. You need to take better care of yourself she said. Yes I know and I'm working on it. Then she asked me if I would rather lose a pound than gain a pound right now. Well duh, I don't want to gain all my weight back. Then she proceeded to tell me how many calories you need to eat to gain weight and yada, yada, yada. To be honest I was only half listening. I'm not an idiot, I know it takes time to gain back weight but hey, it all adds up after a while.
Then the therapist said that she has counseled many people who, when they lose control of the rest of their lives, take control of the one thing they can - their own bodies. Hmm, I'm listening now. She said they exercise and lose weight and feel great but then they can't stop because at least they can control that one aspect of their lives. Hmmm, I'm still listening.
She asked me if I had hit my ideal weight yet. I said maybe one more pound to go and then I'll be under that threshold and I'll be done. She said you already look too thin. Then I admitted that four pounds ago I had hit my ideal weight but, God, wouldn't it be nice to have a buffer and lose a few more in case I gained a few back, and I would STILL be in my ideal weight range. (Yeah, even I can hear the crazy ringing around in that sentence.)
Then she asked me about exercising. I said most days I get up and walk 5-6 miles and sometimes I walk again at lunch with my friends for another two and a half miles. I said I know if a friend told me she did that every single day, I would say that wasn't necessary, you need a break. But somehow I can't convince myself of that. I feel like a lazy ass when I don't get out of bed at the crack of dawn and I hate to disappoint my dog who is gazing at me with those big brown eyes, pleading 'Please, let's go for a walk'. Also, I enjoy walking with my friends and venting to them so I really don't want to skip those lunchtime walks either and blah, blah, blah. I can hear the attempted rationalizations piling up about why I'm pushing myself too hard.
So maybe I am a shade on the crazy side and I'll go back to the counselor's again and start telling her all my deep dark thoughts about why I can't eat that cookie that is calling to me.
Please remember that you need to stay healthy, Kay, not only for yourself but for your children, too. My daughter is a very fit athlete, and she keeps reminding me that healthy muscle weighs more than fat, so DON'T go by what the scale says. I remember months of walking until my feet had blisters and were bloody, and then I would go out again the next day before sunrise to continue trying to walk off the anxiety. I eventually found other outlets, and the incessant walking abated. I hope you too will soon find a more peaceful method of dealing with the pain. Yoga and meditation did it for me, with an occasional valium thrown in when things got really tough. Hard to believe, but it really DOES get better, and you really DO get to the point where you are amazed that life is soooo much better without him! I stopped being a wife and became myself again, and I can't imagine ever losing myself again in a dysfunctional relationship, so I truly came out ahead.
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