Boundary setting. Putting up some fences. Drawing imaginary lines. Yup, that's on my to-do list, and I'll get it done if it kills me.
This weekend Army Boy and I brought our son and a few of his friends to a college basketball game. It was a post-birthday type celebration for my son, without being labeled 'a party' (no presents required). I had told Army Boy about what I had planned weeks ago when I was coordinating the event because 1.) I needed help shepherding five 6/7 year old boys to a venue with a thousand people and 2.) if Army Boy had planned something like that, I would sooner have my eye gouged out than miss it. (Extremely doubtful Army Boy would plan something but still, I want in on it if it includes an event if my child's life).
Together we enjoyed our son and his friends. Giggling in the backseat, punching each other, banging each other over the head with water bottles, telling fart jokes, cheering at the basketball game, begging for candy. Typical boy behavior and I basked in all of it. I love being around my kids, I love seeing them with their friends, I love doing things that will make them happy, I love every second of it. (Well, hearing that they were thirsty and hungry for the 50th time after we had just spent $40 on snacks and drinks wasn't a highlight, I'll admit.) I assumed that Army Boy felt the same way and I felt bad for him for missing something in our kids' lives so that's another reason why I included him.
Then I read the comments for this post. Am I doing the 'pick me' dance and saying it's for the best of the kids? I don't think so, I wouldn't take back Army Boy if he begged me and swore up and down that he was thinking about me when he snapped those photos of his ____ <ick, I can't bear to write the word now>. I wouldn't take him back if he inherited a title to some far off country and it would make me a queen. But, I'm not delusional enough to say that I don't want him to come crawling back and admit that he made a horrible mistake. So maybe I am doing a version of the 'pick me' dance but my type of dance isn't meant to end with a pair of partners, it would be designed to end in a solo.
The last comment echoed in my head. Army Boy DID decide not to be there every day for his kids. He DID decide that his search for happiness was more important than tucking them in and kissing them goodnight. Why the hell am I pitying him? Why the hell do I feel sorry for him if he misses an event in his kids' lives? I'm judging how he would be feeling based on my own thoughts and desires. He walked away from being his kids' full-time father, my pity is wasted on him.
The day after the basketball game, Army Boy sent me some inane small-talk type text. Really? We're going to pretend to be friends now and text pleasantries about the weather or other non-important matters? We're going to pretend that you didn't fuck me over and pull the world out from under your kids? I blame myself, I've been sending mixed messages. Well, that's over. I'll still be civil, I'll still let him join us when he asks and if it feels right for the kids, but I won't be engaging in casual conversations. I won't be putting on my 'let's be friends' mask any longer.
I never responded to Army Boy's text. I felt guilty about it at first.That's the Catholic, people-pleaser in me I guess. I squelched that feeling down and chose to feel empowered instead.
There is no need to accommodate him. The only reason he is important in your life is because he is important in your children's life, and since he is so lackadaisical, you have stepped up for him, for the sake of your children, and that is not a crime on your part. In any other arena, like being a friend or a confidant, he can go kick rocks, that is some strong delusion on his part to think you'd enjoy conversation with him. Its good to draw your boundaries now, do it every chance you can get. Also, he is probably experiencing a lull in his adulterous affair, and discovering that life with the hussy is also boring. Things can pick up between them again, or he can meet another one and he'll be sniffing around your life a lot less, since a desperate chick who doesn't know the real him will just feed his ego, unlike real life where he is so useless. The boundaries will be good to deal with his inevitable "relapse" and protect you guys from his behavior.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's because my kids are older (12 and 17) but I don't feel any need at all to include my Ex in any activities I plan for them (nor does he include me in activities he plans). I don't feel comfortable being around him, and I don't want to cloud the fun of times with my kids with having to be with him as well. It would rob me of the joy, and I am not going to allow that to happen. The only event I can foresee sharing with him in the coming year is my oldest son's high school graduation - I will send him an invite and I'm sure he will attend (but we are not riding together). I will also include him in any "after graduation" dinner that is planned because I am sure his mother will be attending as well. Other than that, he can plan his own events with our boys. He left. He walked away from being a parent to live in a bachelor pad with no responsibilities (our youngest has spent two nights with him in 18 months...oldest has never spent the night at his apartment). His choice. My choice is to create a new life for myself and my kids and to enjoy time with them in our new "family unit" of three!
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