I look around my life and I wonder what was missing for him. The white picket fence? Because we had it all. The kids, the dog, jobs, the nice house, two cars, motorcycle, plenty of disposable income. What was missing that made him do what he did? You can drive yourself crazy thinking about that and I probably will. How could he, on the night he decided he was unhappy, go online and find a woman stupid enough to believe his lies about why he could only see her once a week when he was supposed to be out 'riding his motorcycle' or 'over at a friend's watching football'? What was missing to make him lie to his two little children and his wife each and very weekend, the web of deceit growing and growing for a year and a half? What was missing that made him date (DATE, even as I write that I think really, REALLY? WTF is wrong with him?) while he was still married? I won't even let my mind go past date now, it's way too disgusting. Was there really something missing or was it a sickness, an addiction that he couldn't control?
I have a need for understanding and I know that I will never get it. No closure about why he chose to destroy the life we had made. Or maybe it was the life that I had made and I wrongly assumed he wanted to be a part of it. I asked in counseling if I was really so horrible that he would give up so many things (his kids, his house, possibly his job) just to get away from me. He didn't answer and when the counselor prompted him, he still didn't answer. I think the silence spoke volumes.
I believe he is really escaping himself and it absolutely has nothing to do with me (even though his PowerPoint laid the blame completely at my feet for forcing him to make the choices that he did.) He's running away from life. He's throwing it all away to feed some sick part of himself that wasn't happy with the responsibilities that he had, that wasn't happy with being a grown up. It's the grass is alway greener mentality, the 'let's start fresh and see how great it'll be' way of thinking. He's a quitter, someone who was fine with saying 'This doesn't make me quite happy enough so I'm going to look for my Plan B before I throw out my Plan A.' And once he made that decision there was no thought to the devastation that he would be creating.
Why so many spouses cheat, I'll never understand. I blame it on cowardice and selfishness. Being too afraid to stand on their own two feet to walk away. They instead need something to walk towards. They're so wrapped up in themselves and their own weaknesses that they need to be buoyed by someone else. The spouses who are left behind, we stand all alone, on our own two feet. We have no Plan B already developed, nothing to run towards. We are left to forge a new path and that is why we will always be the stronger ones.
I've had a lot of time to think about what kind of person cheats and lies to his family for an extended period of time. A selfish person? An egotistical person? A person with low self esteem? A bad person? A person who measures high on the piece of shit scale? A mentally disturbed person? An abusive person? (Chump Lady equates infidelity with abuse and I can't say I disagree.) Possibly a twisted combination of all of these.
I know what kind of person cheaters are not though. Loving, kind, good, considerate, thoughtful, generous, family oriented. All these are qualities of the kind of people I want in my life and the lives of my children. So the next time I start feeling blue, I'm going to read this part of my post and remind myself of everything he is not instead of wondering about everything he is and why he did what he did.
I've been on both sides, so you may not feel comfortable with my comments. Feel free to delete them.
ReplyDeleteNo matter what 'he' thinks, he is totally responsible for his actions. You ask was it a sickness? I absolutely fell into the trap. It really did progress beyond a point that I recognized I was in a dangerous zone and should step back; however, my exhusband was not completely out of the loop as far as the relationship. I unsuccessfully tried for years to get him to communicate with me, going so far as to be upset enough to reveal that I might be vulnerable to the advances of another man if he could not open up and GO TO COUNSELING with me. I desperately wanted to stay in my marriage, but I was literally suffocating from my exhusband's contempt of me. Did I blame him? Then, yes. For everything, because *I* was trying, and he was the one turning his back and calling me a bitch for 'nagging' him. Do I blame him for our divorce? No, we both needed to divorce; but I could have done it without devastating him.
Now, I absolutely see that my actions are my responsibility only. While *we* destroyed our marriage, *I* destroyed him. Your generalization of 'being' this person is off, however, because I have sought help from 2 counselors over the years, and am now with my 3rd counselor (and God) after being cheated *on.* Where someone may choose not to get help, I chose to become whole.
I unfortunately learned one tool that cheaters utilize, 'compartmentalization,' after the death at 10 days of age of my first son. I absolutely became a split person so that I could live and work around other people without crying and revealing the grief and pain I lived with on an almost daily basis. I could pull out this 'box' of his few memories, cry, rail against the world, scream, do whatever I could to indulge my pain, and put the box back up and be a 'normal' person again. I thought this was how other bereft moms and parents handled things. I thought it was healthy, so I never sought help.
I may forever be labeled as a cheater, but it does not define me now. I have more tools, know much more about how far back my boundaries SHOULD have been (and oddly were in place for 22 years until my exhusband's abusive behavior and contempt entered our lives and my self-esteem plummeted) and I also understand more about men's addictions in general, and to sex, feelings, and how the individual addictive need for validation (physical OR mental) can block out a man's integrity and value system to the point that he employs compartmentalization to essentially live a 'fantasy' but protect the home and family as objects or possessions he doesn't actually want to lose.
I believe if men had a better grip on reality, and kept their whole life before them instead of entering these 'doors,' a lot more pain could be avoided, and families saved.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. That's a loss nobody should have to suffer. My heart aches for you.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you wanted assistance for how you were dealing with things and sought counseling and were open to it. When we went to counseling, my husband lied over and over. Or maybe he was just so delusional he really believed what he was saying. Even if he goes to individual counseling, I don't believe he would ever see anything other than it was all my fault. He is so wrapped up in whatever dream reality that he's made up in his own head that there is no room for anything else.
Counseling certainly isn't beneficial if a person continues to lie. If the dishonesty is pervasive, it may be a part of who he is, sadly.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having to go through this. My present H has cheated on me (many would say that's karma), but no matter what it is, I didn't deserve this from him. We are working through counseling with it, and I won't try to rebuild with him if it happens again.
Everything you said about a cheater is true. They are cowards. Too cowardly to speak up if they are indeed unhappt. Too cowardly to walk away from a marriage without a back up plan. Too cowardly to tell friends and family what really happened. Believe me, I took care of the last one and told evertone about his affair. He was surprised. Thought I would be embarrassed. Really? What did I do?
ReplyDeleteYou're exactly right, what did you do? Nothing and therefore you should not be embarrassed. He can be alone in his shame, you have no part of that. Stay strong.
DeleteThank you for writing this. I happened on to one of your posts by accident and have read every one of them. They make me want to cry-for you-and because they tell my story almost exactly, minus the motorcycle and the military service. My nightmare started in August 2012. I have 3 children who are all suffering terribly as a result of my husbands selfishness. Although I am starting to dig myself out of this, the pain that it has caused for my children and I(and so many other people) is almost unbearable. It helps to hear that I'm not alone. Wish I could meet you for coffee!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that we share the same story Jennifer. My heart aches for you and your children, nobody should have to suffer through this. I've heard of similar situations time and time again and it makes me so sad to think that it is so prevalent in society. We are definitely not alone and if misery loves company, we've got a lot of it. Let's share a virtual cup of coffee. :) Thanks for your comment, keep hanging in there.
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