And then, when the asshat actually does what he says he's going to do, actually call his children, this strikes fear in your heart. Maybe he's turning over a new leaf and he's going to want the kids and fight for more custody. Maybe he's seen the error of his ways and he wants more time with them.
It's going to be a long night as I lay here and ponder his motives. He's called the kids twice since he moved (a nice way for saying I threw him) out in April. The first time he called was because I texted him to pick up the damn phone and call because our daughter was crying about missing her father. The second time he called was tonight. Why now? Why have no contact for seven weeks over the summer and then see them for a weekend and decide you're going to start calling?
I'm really sick of him practicing what kind of parent he wants to be to our children. I know what kind of parent I want to be, a good one, a parent who sees her kids every day. And if he takes that away from me, I'm going to go ape shit, bat crazy, off the deep end. There are really no words to describe what I will do.
When I went through this and people would say things like "you will get through this" and "hang in there," I wanted to scream. So, I won't say those words exactly. But I want to assure you that you will get through this part. During the first year of my separation and divorce, my thoughts were racing constantly - shared custody, custody schedule, time frames, transitions... I never stopped worrying or thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteMy worst case scenarios did not come true. He was too involved with his girlfriend and their life to pay attention to logistics and schedules. I used that time to work crazily in my thoughts about different schedule scenarios. I labored over different versions of schedules - ones that would ensure I saw my son every day, but would also allow for him to have longer periods of time with his father, which is inevitable eventually.
I asked for shared weekends, (rather than the "every other" weekends that seem typical). I felt it was better for my son to see both of us on a weekend, rather than be with one of us and miss the other. This is difficult for young children, I think. When there is an overnight, I see my son that morning, and the next day I pick him up in the afternoon/evening. It's just over 24 hours away. The time goes by fast. It was hard to accept all of this. There are still days where I hate every moment of time with my son that he has taken from me. But I have accepted (most times) that there is no alternative. I can't change what he did. I can't take away his right to be with his son. I had to accept that sharing and schedules were part of my life now.
It's not easy. It's not going to be. But it's also not going to be as hard as it is right now. The "unknown" part of the separation/divorce was, I can now say, the worst part. Now, 4 years later, I know the schedule. We aren't fighting in court anymore. It's done. The schedule gets "tweaked" to accommodate different things, but in the four years since this happened, I have seen my son every day, except for one (or two) days when I agreed for him to be with his father for an extra overnight on a weekend.
I'm having trouble putting this all into words right now, but I wanted to post a comment to tell you that I understand!
You put it in words perfectly, thank you. It's good to hear that there is acceptance in the future. It sounds like you have a good schedule in place for you and your son. And it sounds like you are able to put the needs of your child first - a notion I wish the assholes of our lives adhered to as well....
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and writing! It is encouraging to hear from others years out who are through the process and have such words of wisdom.