So I heard through the grapevine that the ex had his brother and sister over to meet his whore the other day. How does one introduce your affair partner to your immediate family?
'This is the skanky whore that I cheated on my wife with.' Hand shaking commences. 'Pleased to meet you,' says skanky whore. Brother and sister awkwardly think of things to say.
'So how did you two meet?' Strike that, that's not a safe topic. 'So how long have you been together?' Strike that, can't go there either. 'So what do you think about the weather?'
My kids will be spending the next week with their dad. That's the longest period that I will have gone without seeing them in their whole lives. To say that I'm on the verge of the crazy abyss is an understatement.
I have plans to stay busy during the week. Get-togethers with friends, maybe a date, some projects around the house, maybe a date, working late, maybe a date. I'm hoping to keep my thoughts of 'I wonder what they're doing right now' to under 2.5 million. Wish me luck.
Do you know what sucks? Dating when you're 40. Let's bring you up to speed.
Yup, I went out with Mr Restraining Order. He was nice. I don't think he got my sense of humor though. He said 'that's funny' a few times. If you have to say 'that's funny' then you probably don't mean it. We were supposed to go on another date tonight but he had to put weed killer on his lawn. True story. I think he's not into me but I'm not really sure. Lmao. We will likely be friends 'cause he's local and runs in my same crowd. Which means he can't hide from me, poor bastard.
Since Mr Weed Killer (new name for him) canceled, I went out with fresh meat tonight. This was entertaining. The guy had told me he was on sabbatical from working. Which I thought was a joke. No, no, no. He's unemployed and lives in a trailer. I've never lived in a trailer and certainly never want to. When he told me he only lets his 10 year old son watch cartoon movies, I knew we were not soulmates since my 10 year old daughter has seen The Hunger Games and World War Z (it's okay, you can judge me). He texted me afterwards and said he had fun. We will probably be texting friends. I'm nice like that.
At first I was depressed. Then I went home and started chatting with the perv I met online. He offers sex on a daily basis. He says - I can come to you. I can meet you at a hotel. I can blah, blah, blah. He's into me. Wait, he's only seen two pictures of me? And never met me in person? Well, it's obviously true love I'm sure. Haha. At least he's honest in his perversion. And he's quite entertaining when I'm a little lonely.
Can't wait to see what the next guy is like that the internet spits at me.
So.... I recently contacted a local eligible bachelor that I've secretly called 'my boyfriend' for a long time now. (He's my boyfriend, he just didn't know it.) He got divorced about two years ago. He is a friend of a friend, our kids went to after-school care together, and so on and so forth. Anyway, he was on a dating service, I was on a dating service. Hey, howdy, hi, I wrote. Fancy meeting you here, just wanted to say solidarity to small town members of this site.
He wrote back and gave me his cell and boom, away we went. Until I most likely scared the shit out of him and forced him to the nearest police station to file a restraining order. Apparently I'm not only a blabbermouth in person, I also have no filter when it comes to typing. In attempting to make small talk (small text), I divulged that I had seem him around in a few neighboring towns..... and then I commenced to list where I had run into him. And I might have mentioned that I saw him on a date perhaps? Yeah, I really mentioned that.
What was I thinking? No clue. I was just keeping it real, no head games (don't all the profiles list that as desirable?) Apparently I'm too much of a mental case for him and he stopped writing back.... Lesson learned. 'Do NOT come across as a stalker, men don't like that.' Good to know.
My daughter will be graduating from fourth grade soon. At the school celebration, they will be showing a slide show with photos of each student – birth to present day. Looking for photos to submit was an exercise in torture.
When I look at old photos of my ex husband, I feel….angry, betrayed, but mostly sad. Family vacations, parties, sporting events, photos of the ex holding the kids when they were babies. Very difficult to not think ‘lies, all lies’. When did he start wanting to be removed from the family? From the very beginning? Or did it happen somewhere along the way? I wanted to send him some of those happy photos from days past and say – remember when we were happy? Or at least you pretended to be?
The kids and I looked at those old photos and reminisced about the good ol' days. ‘That's when we went to Disney!’ ‘What was that dog's name?’ (We have had more than our share of dogs over the years.) ‘You looked so young there, Mommy!’ (Thank God, they left off the ‘what happened to you?’ comment).
When my kids look at those old photos, do they feel sad because their family is different than what it used to be? I don’t know, I didn’t ask them. They didn’t seem to be sad. They seemed to be thrilled to look at themselves as babies with chocolate cake smeared on their faces at their first birthday parties. I’m not a child of divorce so I have no idea what they’re thinking and feeling. They seem okay so I try to keep my bitterness under control. But at the graduation ceremony I will do what I typically do, start counting the kids on stage who have a divorced family. In their small school, it’s just a handful of kids (although the number grows every year).
The kids and I chose the photos for the slide show and put the memories away for now. I’m a little afraid of how I will feel the next time I pull them out. I’m worried that I will still feel the bitterness and betrayal. But I’m even more scared to look at photos of him and think and feel nothing.
**Note to self – don’t write a post when it’s a certain time of month. Slipping into the melancholy is way too easy.
Do you know what's really bad for your self esteem? Making your match profile visible and having it be 'liked' or 'favorited' by the twin brother of Gandalf, various sleezy user names (MohawkJohn, 6inchesinV, etc) and about 10 men who are 'currently separated'. Color me jaded but if you're 'currently separated' (sure you are), I'm not buying. I have morals, unlike the Skanky Whore. If I never do anything in my existence that is similar to anything that she did, I will lead a successful life.
Although, I was out gardening this weekend and my kids said, "Peggy Thomas was working on her apple trees when we were over at Dad's.' Oh, how wonderful for Peggy Thomas. And great, we share a common interest. Good to know she has more hobbies than sleeping with married men.
What was Daddy doing? Oh, he was building something for his car. Wow, he must be more motivated in skanky whoredom than he was for the last few years at home. I think the only tool he used was his computer mouse for about three years straight. Probably should have realized he was trolling for more than used Kayaks at that point.
I know I'm not Gisele Bundchen but puh-leaze, tell me that I'm not on the same shelf as Gandalf. On-line dating is scary and depressing. It is good for one thing though. Making you appreciate being alone. Yup, I think I'm good for now.
God damn it, why does it have to be so hard to write an online dating profile? Maybe because I'm not really ready to date yet? I dunno. Everything I write comes across as bitter.
'I'm not shooting for a fairy tale, I had that and it ended badly.' Hahaha.I couldn't even write that without laughing. No, my marriage wasn't a fairy tale by any means but it did end badly. Heh.
How about 'Cheaters and assholes need not apply.' Hmmm. That sounds a tad on the bitter side. Best save that conversation for in-person. I can't wait until a prospective date asks me why I got a divorce. I'll have to make the choice between divulging the lifetime television version or the simple 'His girlfriend thought I was a third wheel'.
'Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.' That doesn't sound bitter, that just sounds deranged. Maybe I can use that as a quiz question though and if someone knows what movie it's from, they win a date with yours truly.
A few of my coworkers dared me to go into a bar and pick someone up. 'It's not hard, K, just sit down and they'll flock to you 'cause you're 40 and in a bar and obviously on the prowl.' Oh boy, that sounds like fun. I bet I would meet some real relationship quality men there....Wait, I don't think I want a relationship, I just want a 'friend' <wink, wink, nudge, nudge> so maybe that's not such a bad idea after all.
I guess I'll put off writing that online dating profile or trolling the bars for a while though. I'm having a hard time envisioning any man not being a cheating douchebag. Thanks to the Ex for squashing any kind of trust or faith that I had in the opposite sex. Fucker. ** I wrote this a few days ago and yesterday The Chump Lady posted "How Do You Trust Again". Maybe I'll take a second stab at that online dating profile after all. Gotta love The Chump Lady, it's like she's speaking directly to me!
