This weekend I had planned to go shopping at some outlets (yup, weekend #2 of that) because the kids were supposed to be with their dad. Since his car is still broken, he's only taking them for a few hours on Sunday though. No complaints from me, not having to share them would be my ideal world. I decided to make the three hour journey to the outlets anyway on Saturday. I have an important meeting at work and I needed a new outfit to bolster my confidence.
As we got in the car and I explained to the kids that we were going to another state shopping, my daughter said, 'Why can't you just shop close to home like normal people?' I didn't think she'd understand divorce demons or needing to keep busy to stop from going crazy (crazier I should say) so I just laughed and said it would be an adventure. And it was. Hours of driving and hours of shopping and hours of fun until we went to one too many 'girl' stores and my son said that he wished he'd hadn't come and that he'd gone to his dad's house. I know he said it innocently but it still stung. So I vowed to make him enjoy the day too. One skateboard and a promise of a movie later and he was back on board. I never said I was above bribery.
The movie seemed like a good idea until we got out of it at 9:30 and had over three hours of driving ahead of us. My eyes play crazy tricks at night and I see deer and moose darting in front of me. Are those glowing eyes on the side of the road? Better slow down. Nope, it's just a reflector. Wait, is that a raccoon crossing the road? No, it's just a piece of trash. Thank God we got home in just about the predicted GPS time. The heavy eyelids were starting to struggle.
A few weeks ago, I emailed my husband to ask him to agree to a dollar amount for child support after the divorce is final. I said I needed to know how much I'll be getting to make a decision about the house. He said what I was asking for wasn't unreasonable but he needed to talk to his lawyer. It's three weeks later and there's crickets. Granted I haven't pushed the issue. I haven't had the emotional energy to think about it. But now my husband is leaving soon for four weeks. When he comes home, that puts us almost at the start of the new school year. I need some assurance that I'm going to have enough money to float this house for another school year. In trying to coordinate when I could drop the kids off to see my husband before he leaves, I asked him if he'd talked to his lawyer yet. He responded about the time I should drop the kids off but never answered about the lawyer.
A small part of me is desperate to believe that my husband really wants the best for our kids and he's going to do what he's said all along - give me enough to keep our home. But the longer he drags out agreeing, the more my level of distrust rises. If I keep the kids in their school for another year and then end up losing our house, the person I am going to have the most anger at is myself. For being too cowardly to just put the damn house on the market and move. For trusting in my husband and what he says. Actions speak louder than words, haven't I learned that already? But some dumb part of me is hanging on to the fact that he's said over and over that the best thing for the kids is to remain here, in our home.
Please God, just let him come through in this one way. Don't let me regret making the decision that I have. If I have to move the kids in the middle of the school year, I'm going to really hate him, even more than I already do and that is just unimaginable.
Just wanted to say that your kids will be okay even if they get moved in the middle of their school year as long as YOU are doing what is best for yourself and them and looking after YOURSELF and them. Please look after your self, mentally and physically and you and your kids can conquer anything.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for reading and your words. It is reassuring to hear that the kids will be okay. I want to spare them the trouble of having to move in the middle of the school year but you are right, even if they have to, they WILL be okay.
DeleteThank you. :)
I have learned the hard way to take "radio silence" from the Ex as a sign that he is not going to do what he has promised. It's a sign that he is too cowardly to come forward and say what he intends to do, because he knows it is wrong and not putting it into words keeps him from having to confront his conscience. I say this to spare you from counting on something and it not coming through. It is better to count on nothing and then be pleasantly surprised when something good does happen. If you have to sell your house and move to a cheaper home or a rental (which is actually nice in that you don't have any responsibility - dishwasher break? Call the landlord) and then you DO get the child support you were counting on - save that money for when the support ends (because it WILL end at some point). Stay strong and be smart!!
ReplyDeleteThe voice of experience it sounds like. Why are they all the same?
DeleteYes, the radio silence is probably exactly for the reason you described. I need to stop expecting anything more.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
Yes, I definitely have learned this the hard way. I am living in a rental now (instead of the beautiful dream house financed mainly with $ I inherited from my grandmother...and then sold to pay off his business debts that were my joint responsibility). I do receive the state-mandated minimum of child support from the Ex, and basically live paycheck to paycheck while working two jobs and have full custody of our children (he did not want shared custody so thankfully I didn't have to deal with that fight). I have learned that the person I loved and trusted is now my enemy and does not have my best interests at heart...in fact I doubt he even thinks for one second about how I am struggling nor does he recognize or feel one shred of thankfulness for the care and love I am providing our children. I share this to let you know that once your husband leaves you...he LEAVES you in every way. He does not have your interests in mind in his decision making, and likely does not have what is best for your children. I have decided that men are wired differently - they are able to detach and focus on themselves in a way that would be impossible for most women (esp. mothers) to do. It is so painful to realize this, but SO necessary if you are going to survive. YOU are the only person looking out for you (and your children) now. YOU have to do what is best for your family. If you look to him or wait for him or try to consider his feelings or "needs" - you will be endangering your future and that of your children. It's a harsh reality, but facing it and moving forward will help you get back power and control over your life. Hugs!
DeleteAnonymous at 1:26 pm, you are brilliant. There is so much truth in what you said! I believe his non-answer is THE answer you have been seeking, Kay. Woo-hoo for silence and crickets as it speaks volumes! Don't miss the answer because it isn't what you are expecting. Now you know to simply count on you, and "you" is all you can control! I ended up leaving the "big house" (truth literally and figuratively, because it really was a prison!)and moving into as inexpensive an apartment as could meet our needs. It was the BEST move ever. When my ex let us down - which was a steady constant - I loved knowing I could handle things and my kids could count on me for a roof over their heads. And, man, there was such peace in knowing when something broke, all it took to fix it was a phone call. Kay, please don't rely on him, dear one, rely on YOU. Let your expectations of and for him go. You cannot change him and I think you have all the resources inside you to provide well for your kids. And like the first to comment said - and she spoke truth - your kids will be fine when you are fine. They are resilient beyond belief and more than that, trust and expect that they will soar.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like a rock star. Your kids are lucky to have you!
DeleteThank you for reading and for your wise words. I am making a vow to only rely on myself. I know I can count on me and I know my kids can count on me too.
Definitely read chumplady.com today. It's about your situation to a T. And the answer is: he will screw you and the kids over.
ReplyDeleteBasically you are now the enemy. Also, shouldn't your lawyer be talking to his? This is one area where you can't afford not to listen to your gut and go out on your own limb. not his.
I love chumplady! I missed her post yesterday. Must go and read it now. Thanks for reading and for the suggestion!
DeleteOur lawyers talked a while ago to set up the temp agreement but now I'm pushing to at least have some type of signed documentation about what he will pay after the divorce is final. I thought it was the civil thing to do to contact him first and tell him what I was asking for instead of just going through the lawyers. But he's obviously not going to do anything until he's pushed. So frustrating.
Is what you are asking for less than what a lawyer would secure for you?? Can you just let the atty deal w/ dummy? Please make sure what you think you need is a good figure....you may be entitled to more....
ReplyDeleteI'm asking for more than what the state will make him pay. He says the amount is reasonable but everyone keeps saying 'what man pays more than he needs to in child support'? UGH.
DeleteI'd love to let the atty deal with him and his lawyer but I'm cheap with my money. I hate to go to her for everything and end up with a huge bill. But it's looking like that's the route I will have to follow.... So hard being the only grownup here.
Thanks for reading and writing!