The heart is a curious organ. It has a way of being melancholic for no reason. This weekend I'm going to Boston with a friend and our four kids. I'm sure it'll be a fun time but there's a little tug in my heart because it's not a family trip. In fact, there won't be any more family trips in the future. No more Celtics game or trips to a Maine beach with the kids glued to their electronics in the backseat and my husband and I in the front seat bemoaning how addicted they are to their little screens.
I wish my heart would remember the little annoying things that occurred on those trips that made me wonder sometimes if my husband even wanted to be there or if he was having a good time. I wish my heart would remember that vacations of summers past very often included trips with friends instead of my husband, either because he was working or was deployed or he just didn't want to go. Unfortunately, the heart has a way of saying, "Pssst, here's one more situation where your kids are going to be missing something. No more vacations as a family of four." Will my kids even dwell upon that? I'm thinking they won't. But why does the aura of divorce have to taint everything now?
Kay
ReplyDeleteYou are missing what you thought you had with him. Not him. And certainly not even him, you are romanticizing an ideal. You deserve the best reality and soldier boy isn't it.
Here's something I read on another post and if you could give your kids this, would you really worry what they think about vacation?
"I want a relationship with someone I don’t have to force into thinking about consequences, someone I don’t have to force into apologizing when they’re wrong. Someone who actually cares about me and my kids. Someone who does the right thing because it’s the right thing, and because they think about the effects of their behaviour on the people they care about – without anybody having any upper hands over them. Somebody who is able to think about what they actually want and value, BEFORE they make choices that cause them to lose those things, and who can act like they appreciate having those things, with no one holding anything over their heads."
That is such good advice! I could add to that (I want someone that I don't have to apologize for or excuse their behavior to anyone.'
DeleteI am most definitely romanticizing an ideal... I'm good at romanticizing, I've read WAY too many 'women's fiction' AKA romance novels.
Thanks for reading and writing!
That is brilliant advice. I have just copied that for if I decided to write a goodbye letter. It will be a good start for me. Thank you. FTx
ReplyDeleteIf you write a goodbye letter, don't give it to him. Write it for yourself... I poured my thoughts out and gave it to my husband and he held it against me. It did no good whatsoever and I only regretted giving it to him. Don't give him any power to think that he's worth your thoughts.
DeleteThanks for reading and writing.
I feel the same way, as me and the kids are leaving tomorrow for our vacation as a family of "3". I can't stop thinking about the life that was. Ten amazing years and only six months of misery. It's very hard to stay focused on all the disgusting crap he has done. I need someone to give me the magic words to stop the memories of my life that will be no more.
ReplyDeleteLet's embrace our family of '3'! Do what you want to do and what your kids want to do (stuff that he would never want to) and revel in it. I think it will soon become the new normal and the 'old life' will just be a memory.
DeleteI hope you have a great vacation and make some new memories. Put him out of your head. He's not worth the space.
Thanks for reading and writing.
Have you ever watched "Sunshine of a Spotless Mind"?? Great movie with Jim Carey & Kate Winslet where you can pay to have bad memories removed so any horrible relationships are gone. I so wish that technology exsisted. FTxx
ReplyDeleteI need to check that movie out. I would pay a lot amount of money to have some of those memories blocked out.
DeleteHope you made some good new memories on your trip, as I am making on my own "Mom & kids only" vacation. Memories are built on our perception of actual events and our replay and reshaping of those events (or our memories of those events)over time. It is hard not to drag the baggage of our past into our present and thus into the future. I am trying to put all my "good family memories" into the same basket. Some of them happen to include my ex-spouse, some of them don't. Remember that now that you don't have to carry your husband's luggage, you should be more free to enjoy your time with your slightly smaller, re-defined family.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your wise words. Memories tend to gloss over the little details and make everything seem so much better in hindsight... I'm going to try to remind myself that memories are often viewed with foggy lens.
DeleteOur weekend away was wonderful and I barely had a single bitter moment at all! Maybe because I was with another mom and her two kids and she seems to be heading towards the divorce path herself. Misery (and divorced women) loves company.
I hope you have a great Mom & kids only vacation!
Thanks for reading and writing!