The thought...
...of trusting someone enough to get
close to them makes me shake...literally.
...of being alone for the rest of my
life paralyzes me.
...of another man touching me makes
me vomit a little in my mouth.
...of never having another Christmas
as a family of four makes me want to cry into my pillow.
...of having to co-parent for the
rest of my life makes me want to kill somebody (you know who I mean).
... of seeing my kids drive off with
their father for years of parent-child visits makes me want to pack up my
kids and run away.
...of hearing my kids talk in twenty
years about how the divorce changed them makes my heart hurt.
...of hating someone that I used to
love is astounding (yet here I am).
...of always having to check the
'Divorced' box on forms saddens me.
...of my husband doing what he did
shocks me. How could he?
...of 'why didn't I see this coming'
frightens me. What the hell is wrong with me for being so blind? (That's a rhetorical
question.)
...of selling my house exhausts
me.
...of telling my children they might have to move away from their friends destroys me. (I told them this
weekend and my daughter cried and my son asked 'Why Mommy, why?')
...of sliding my foot over after a
nightmare and only finding an empty bed makes me wish my dog slept with me. Time
for another dog.
...of being a man-hating bitter old
woman terrifies me.
...of looking at my husband and
never seeing the man I thought he was _____s me. There are no words to describe
it.
...of shedding any more tears over
that worthless piece of shit infuriates me. I wish it wouldn't happen but I
know it will.
Thoughts...Who the hell needs
them?
I am all too familiar with all of those thoughts...it sucks. Sometimes I can replace them with better positive thoughts, but sometimes I have to just wallow in them. I hate the new normal and I hate that I had no say in creating it.
ReplyDeleteYou said it, I hate the new normal and the lack of control over any of it. One word - UGH. Or maybe a stronger word - FUCK.
DeleteThanks for being here Jen. It helps to wallow together. (I'm sorry but misery DOES love company).
I always need to remind myself to distinguish between my thoughts and my feelings. Gives me some sense of control. I can think self-affirming thoughts and not let the ones who do hurtful things control who I am and what I think. Doesn't mean I don't feel bereft when they skewer me. Just gives me a strategy to move past it...in time.
ReplyDeleteSandy
I'm currently trying to shut off my thoughts and feelings about my husband. If my mind pops over to him, yank, I bring it back. Today it seems to be working.
DeleteThanks for your words Sandy. Hang in there.
I personally started going online on service such as dvorc.com but I wasn't sure it was the rigth thing to do. I dated the brother of one colleague of mine at some point but for some reason I do not seem to find a real partner. What are you suggestions on this?
ReplyDeleteI've never heard of dvorc.com so I'm not much of an expert at this point at finding a partner. My therapist told me not to join any dating sites because sometimes that just brings out the creeps. She said to let things happen organically. Hmm, there's not much room for organically when you only go to your kids' school and games and every man there is part of a couple. When I'm ready, I'll be joining match and eharmony probably. All the advertisements on tv can't be wrong, right? Right? :/ Good luck!
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