When I was a kid, my dad worked third shift. Hardly ever saw him. Did I miss him? Nah, not really. That was the way it always was. I wonder if, eventually, my kids will no longer miss seeing their dad every day because that's just the way it is.
Even before the pending divorce, if I was upstairs and my husband and kids were downstairs and one of the kids needed help with something, they would come and find me. Why, if their dad was right there? Did the kids just assume (rightfully) that I would put down whatever I was doing and attend to them? If my husband was standing in front of the refrigerator and the kids wanted a drink, they'd come and ask me for one. Need help with your homework? I'm your girl even though Daddy's on the couch. Want to be read a story? I'm here for you even though I'm helping your sister with her science project.
Who acts as Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny in other people's homes? Is it the same person behind the curtain for each one of those because in my house they were all me. Did I create this situation myself? Am I such an overbearing personality that I just did it all and shut my husband out? Or maybe I picked up his slack because I didn't have a choice. A few times my son asked me to read him a book and I was helping my daughter with something. I told my son to go ask Daddy. I'm sure my husband must have read to him occasionally but I mostly remember my husband jokingly telling my son 'I can't read' and that would be the end of it. I never got mad and told my husband to read the Goddamn book, enjoy your children while they are still young enough to want to be read to. I just chalked it up to my husband being tired and I read the book myself.
Do moms play the primary caregiver role in the majority of other homes? I know most of my friends do. Their husbands might be more involved with the kids than mine was but the bulk of the parenting seems to fall on the mother's shoulders. It could be a holdover from The Little House on the Prairie days when the children were clutching Ma's skirt all the time while Pa plowed the fields. Now there are so many working mothers though, and yet the balance of parenting doesn't ever seem like 50/50. Maybe my house was the exception and not the rule though. I wish I had a window into other families' realities to find out.
It's the same exact thing here. I am the person they asked everything. My husband would be hungry for lunch, get up, make himself something to eat and not even think to do that for his kids. They would be starving and I would be off doing something in another part of the house, and he would be eating and they would beg for his food and he would get mad.
ReplyDeleteNo wonder they came to me...
I did everything for them, they never even thought to ask. If they did ask, he would still send them to me. I have had the same thoughts: Am I overbearing, controlling, is that why? He really did very little with them. I would have to drive away in the car to get him to just do anything. Was that the downfall of our marriage? Possibly, but possibly not. I believe there are two types of men: Men who do and men who don't. Some men just do stuff with or for their kids -- they pick up from activities, feed them, dress them, etc., without a second thought. My brother is like this. And then there are the men who don't. My STBX. He just doesn't think. It's almost unnatural to him, I guess.
Now I worry because he has done so little. If he has them/takes them (which has only been once for a few hours) how will he handle it? I need to deal with giving up control, but I feel more comfortable if he had done anything before.
I know what you mean about lunch. My husband was the cook in our house but he seemed to only think the kids needed something at supper. Lunch wasn't a thought in his mind, not his responsibility I guess.
DeleteI think you're right about the two kinds of men. We both had the men who don't obviously. Pretty god damn sad.
Don't drive yourself crazy with worrying about the kids when they are with him. He'll do enough to get by and they'll be fine. It sucks having to give up that control but some things are out of our hands. Let's just focus on the things we can control and feel at peace with that.
Thanks for reading.
It was the same with my ex-husband, and it was one of the major reasons we ended up divorced. His not putting any effort into parenting was such a major turn-off! I do think it's kind of common with some men to parent that way, and some women may be fine with it. For me, though, it was just really, REALLY unattractive. Made me almost loathe him.
ReplyDeleteI resented my husband for how little he did with the kids. How can you not want to spend time with them? Every time they do something so funny and sweet, I want to tell my husband 'This is what you're missing!' but I don't think he would care.
DeleteUnfortunately I think you're right about it being kind of common for men to parent that way. Pretty sad.
Thanks for reading and writing. I hope you're doing well in your post divorce life.