I wonder...
as the days go on if my husband thinks about the kids when he's not with them. Does he miss them? He never calls or texts them. Is he too uncomfortable to do that or is it a sign of not letting himself care?
as the days go on if my husband thinks about the kids when he's not with them. Does he miss them? He never calls or texts them. Is he too uncomfortable to do that or is it a sign of not letting himself care?
why my niece, who hasn't seen her father in two days, asks to call him and my kids, who haven't seen their dad in over a week and a half, don't make that same request.
how I got so lucky to have such great kids. I gave my barefoot son a piggyback ride outside yesterday. He said, 'I love you, Mommy, because you take such good care of us.'
if I'll keep the weight off that I've lost. My new clothes would appreciate that.
if my husband's brother and sister and my mother in law feel as awkward as I do when the kids and I visit. My mother in law lives right next door to my parents. And since she's still recovering from her surgery, my husband's siblings are often there. My kids want to see their grandmother and aunt and uncle so I bring them over. But it feels bizarre that the only person missing from the family equation is my husband.
when I'll stop looking for the ring on someone's finger before I can look into his eyes.
if people will ever stop joking about what a horrible cook I am.
when I'll be able to gaze around my house and feel like it's really mine and not just a type of limbo for us.
how long I'll feel an ache in my heart when my son picks out body wash in the store and says it smells like Daddy.
what type of person I am that I felt such a huge sense of relief when my husband told me that he's going to be away for four weeks this summer due to his work schedule. Instead of being sad for my kids, I was happy for myself. No stress for four weeks!
when divorce won't dominate every thought that I have and every conversation that I engage in.
when and how I'm going to be able to return a call from the wife of one of my husband's oldest friends. I know she's calling to see how I'm doing. I haven't discussed any specifics with her about the situation. Do I just tell her I'm fine or do I grab the elephant in the room by the trunk and wrestle it down to the floor?
Kay, you are like my sister from another mother. You are literrally writing my life story. Absent some minor details (my husband did not share pics of his geniitals, or at least I don't think he did), but everything else in your storyline is like looking into a mirror. Weird, strange, or maybe just the realization that my soon to be ex is not a unique individual. He's just another asshole who destroyed his family for his own selfish gratification. I'll end with this, after 5 months of mediations and negoitations, "The Douche" (which is how I refer to him) was confused why I was so upset at his millionth modication of what I thought were our final agreements. He said, "I don't understand why you are taking this so personally". Only a total fucking moron can't understand that the destruction of family is a personal thing... good luck to you on the house dilemma, I'm dealing with the exact same. -TJ
ReplyDeleteKay, I think you speak the truth in love to your friend. The truth always sets us free when spoken without malice, coercion, or an attempt to control another person's thoughts. You just speak the truth as you know it and don't feel responsibility for people's reactions to it - You can only control yours. It worked with my kids in my divorce, too - I spoke the truth in love to them according to their ability to understand it. Children are resilient and with your great love for them, they will be fine.
ReplyDeleteEven though it may not feel like it, there IS abundant life for you on the other side of this. Please believe that. I am 13 years post-divorce and just remarried last month (to a living saint!). The intervening years were not without struggle, hurt or a lot of serious head-shaking, but always there was beauty and always my children thrived. Set the bar high, and they will rise to the occasion.
Be well, be blessed, and SEEK PEACE. Above all else - seek peace. The kind that comes from inside - from faith that things WILL get better - and is not contingent on your surroundings or present situation.
I believe that someday, you will look back and feel overwhelming gratitude that your life unfolded as it did. Everything ALWAYS turns out okay in the end, so if it isn't okay yet, it simply means it is not the end.
Love to you from this divorce survivor...no, divorce THRIVER. :)
I love your words! Divorce thriver...that's so great. Your happiness shines through. Congratulations on your marriage, I wish you all the joy in the world.
DeleteI'm going to try to follow your advice and hopefully will come though as well as you.
Your words are beautiful. Thank you.
DeleteI love your blog and i love the comment above! Wishing you happiness
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it!
DeleteThere are so many things to wonder about and many unknowns. I don't do well with these sorts of things because I always like to have "a plan." Infidelity and divorce forced me to accept the non-plan and that was a struggle!
ReplyDeleteI so understand the "limbo" feeling of being in your house. In the house I had lived in while married, after he left it felt like there were ghosts of my married life everywhere. Sometimes I sat at the top of the stairs and cried. It was my home, but I didn't feel at home there anymore. I did walk around feeling in limbo, wondering if I would stay there and how long I would stay, where I would go....
It took just under a year to change my living situation. When it did happen, it came about in a "right place at the right time" sort of occurrence.
I also have a lot of moments of looking at people's ring fingers! Sometimes seeing women's large diamonds and thinking "is she really happy or living in a dream world fake reality like I was?" That does still happen in my random daily moments!
Divorce shouldn't have to happen to planners, right?! It's cruel and unusual punishment.
DeleteHopefully my right place at the right time will come along too. So glad it worked out for you!
Thanks for reading. It's comforting to know we are not alone in all these thoughts we have. I guess it's just all part of the painful process.
I forgot - one thought about the "right place at the right time" comment I made. Having sugar ants in my kitchen reminded me of this yesterday. When I moved out of the three level condo where I'd lived with my ex-husband, it was to the apartment where I still live.
ReplyDeleteIt was "the right place at the right time", but it wasn't a picture-perfect place!
It was a run-down Victorian style home across from a beautiful (and quiet) college campus with ivy covered buildings and one street away from my son's daycare. On nice afternoons, I could walk to pick him up. The apartment also had a wrap-around porch with room for chairs and flower pots. I'd always wanted to have a wrap-around porch (the condo only had a tiny porch with room for two small chairs, and it overlooked the parking lot)
This apartment had "features" that I wanted, but it was very run down! The flooring had a large hole in the middle! When the owner replaced the floor (right before I moved in) it was with an ugly gray Bargain Outlet floor. I went from having a nice tiled laundry closet in the condo, to having the laundry be in a cobweb-filled, damp basement that reminds me of the movie Silence of the Lambs.
When I moved in, a week later, I found out there were mice and sugar ants.
The ad for this apartment appeared when I was desperate to move out of the condo and away from marriage ghosts and sleepless nights. The apartment did not come in a pretty package, but the features (neighborhood, daycare and work proximity, porch), made it something that had a lot of potential.
I rented it, painted it (with a lot of help from family), and hoped that it would feel like home.
It has. A new owner took over about a year after I moved in. He cleaned up the landscape, the basement, and arrives within an hour or two when something is broken and needs to be fixed. He is a nice man who takes care of the property.
This apartment has been my place of healing over the last 4 years. It was the right place at the right time. It needed work - and as I painted and decorated all the rooms inside and made it my own, it has become home.
Things definitely don't present themselves in a way that makes it easy to choose the right path sometimes. I chose location and a porch... and in exchange, I faced ants and mice. From the outside, this house still needs a paint job, but inside, my son and I have been comfortable and happy here. Insides and outsides are fixable and comfort can be created in an unexpected place.
It will work out!
Location and a porch sound lovely. You have made a happy home for you and your son. You can read it in your words. You are an amazing person. Thank you for reading and writing. You have given me hope that no matter where we end up, it will be home.
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