Fear

Divorce is all about conquering fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of change. Fear of being alone. Fear of never finding love. Fear of having to sell your house and not being able to provide the home that you feel your kids deserve.

How do you handle this fear? Shove it out of your mind? Stop focusing on it and turn your attention to something else? Make so many lists that they start to overlap each other? Been there, done that.

My husband called me a ‘plotter’ in one of our arguments. I call it being a ‘planner’. He obviously never fully appreciated all my finer qualities. I like to know what my next step is. I like to be fully informed about all my options and be in control of my future. Leave it up to fate? I don’t effing think so. I research, research, research and when I want something, I act on it. Each time we bought a new car or when we bought our new house, I was the driving force. ‘Let’s do this and here’s why…’ I’d have to convince my husband about every change that we would make. If I was a ‘plotter’, then he was a ‘plodder’. I’m sure he would say I didn’t appreciate his finer qualities either.

Right now, I'm having a hard time figuring out what I want. ‘Put it in God’s hands,’ some would say. I hate to snort at that but I’m sure God has better things to do with his time then help me decide what to do. Who has the most difficulty with divorce? Obsessive compulsive people like myself who had their next five years (no, ten years) of their lives planned out. What’s that saying? How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans. 

I won't be throwing our future to fate any time soon. I’m going to keep making my lists and when it drives me crazy, I’ll turn my attention to something else until I can stand to think about it again. Fear will be overcome, I don’t know how many lists I’ll have to make, or how many plans I’ll have to scroll through my mind, but it will be overcome.