From the Mind of the Obsessed

Divorce is a process. A roller coaster. An insurmountable mountain. A book with an unwritten ending. The most recent chapter is the family home. My home. My children's home.

When I'm laying in bed at night, I start to catalogue our options. We could stay in our home. Back when my husband and I were still speaking in sentences instead of grunts, nods and succinct phrases about the kids' sport schedules, he told me that he wanted us to stay in our home. He said he would give me the money I needed to keep our kids here. I don't know if it was his guilt speaking or maybe his shame at possibly being known as the asshole who made his kids lose their family home. I have no idea if he'll follow through on what he said until the divorce is final though.

I think the best thing for the kids is to decide by the end of the summer where they will go to school. Then they can start the school year off and not have to change mid term. So we have a few short months to figure things out. And people wonder why I still hate my husband with such venom? Uh, it couldn't possibly be the fact that I'm not sure where my kids and I will end up in August could it?

The main reason for keeping our home is...it's our home. My blood, sweat and tears have been poured into this house. Well, more like paint, closet shelving and organizational systems but still, it's home. It's familiar to the kids, an oasis in the storm of divorce. We stay among our supportive friends, our second family. No moving trucks or packing up necessary, it's status quo. If we can afford it. Even if my husband gives us what I've asked for, things will be tight. No more overflowing Target carts or trips to Pottery Barn to find the perfect rug. And I would never be approved to assume the whole mortgage on my own so my husband would have to keep his name on it. The thought of depending on him long term gives me hives. But I would do it so my kids wouldn't have to face any more upheaval than they already have. They are already excitedly talking about the next school year and what teachers they will have and the friends that will be in their classes.

The main reason for selling our home is....financial, but starting over sounds nice too. The kids will probably always associate this home with their dad. The other night when I was putting the kids to bed, my son heard a noise in the hallway. It sounded like footsteps. He whipped around and saw our dog and then said, "I thought it was Daddy." There's a knife wound to your heart. A different house would be ours, no memories or ghosts of Daddy in that picture. My husband is starting his life over, so why can't we?

We could sell our home and look for a cheaper house in our same town. Unfortunately not many houses are for sale and the prices are high. So we would be exchanging our brand new home for a smaller, older (likely VERY old) home. With old homes comes the unknown. Leaky roofs, unstable basements, crappy plumbing. The thought of possible future maintenance costs gives me an ulcer. The kids wouldn't have to change schools but we would have to drive by our old house all the time. Would that be too painful? It would mean staying in the town where we have a history. Everyone knows your business. You used to be married, but now you're divorced. And oh yeah, your father in law did the same thing to your mother in law didn't he? Well, that's a shame, must run in the family huh? OMG, the humiliation is crippling. I know people will say it's not my humiliation, but I'm the one that picked my husband, had children with him, was married to him all these years. The humiliation at being the betrayed left behind spouse is real, maybe it's only in my mind, but it's real to me.

If we sell, we could move closer to my parents and my mother in law, about an hour from where we currently live. Houses are cheaper and I could hopefully afford a nicer home than I could in our current town. The grandparents adore their grandkids and would help out tremendously. No more daycare costs! That's a giant pro for moving. Another huge plus would be moving farther away from my husband. I'm a bitch, I know. But the thought of him having a harder time popping in at the kids' games makes an uncomfortable knot in my stomach dissipate a little. And never having to keep an eye out for his car and wonder if you'll accidentally run into him and his girlfriend at the grocery store, well, that sounds like heaven to me. The kids would have to leave their friends and change schools but kids move all the time, right?

Sell, stay, sell, stay. I want someone to make the decision for me. I want someone to look into their crystal ball and tell me what I should do. My husband seems likely to leave it all up to me. Why not, I'm responsible for everything else right? When I told him that I thought we should sell, he said, "If you think that's the best thing to do, I'll support it." When I wrote him back and said we need to discuss it because I'm not sure what the best thing for the kids is, I got the standard answer... radio silence. Maybe it's not the discussion to have over email but when we're together in person, the kids are there and this is not exactly the conversation that I want to have in front of them. What to do? What to do? WHAT TO DO?? My level of crazy is going to increase with each day as the summer ticks by and the self imposed deadline of a new school year approaches.