Divorce is all about retraining yourself. Forcing yourself to change your patterns, your behaviors so you can get through what the hell just happened to you.
Retrain yourself to sleep in the middle of bed.
Retrain yourself to not think about certain things like holidays and family traditions.
Retrain yourself not to replay every hurtful conversation in your head.
Retrain yourself to tell the hostess you need a table for three instead of four.
Retrain yourself to be an individual instead of part of a couple.
Retrain yourself to shove every thought of your husband out of your mind. It's not your business now what he's doing, where he is, or how his day was.
Retrain yourself to accept that you're the one in charge here, there's no one else to help with the big decisions, no one else to help clean the house, grocery shop, parent the children. It's all you.
Divorce is exhausting. Having your life upended is serious shit. A real drag. But you know what? We're doing okay. I've learned you can teach an old dog new tricks. My retraining is spotty from day to day but I am making some progress. Our week long vacation is going well. Thoughts of our fractured family are actually being shoved aside and some fun is being had. I dread when things go back to normal though. Maybe this has just been a distraction for everybody and the hard stuff will hit again. The kids will melt down and I'll go back to plotting revenge. Let's hope we continue on the upward trajectory though. I'm getting really sick of divorce being such a thick chapter in my life.
I need some retraining help. I have such a hard time dealing with the change in the routine. Daily life is so different -- I miss having someone LEAVE the house, and then COME HOME later on on weekdays. Or just having someone be home on weekends. Fridays are not Fridays anymore. Life is one endless blur. Believe me, I don't want my STBX back after he walked out and injured this family, but it's so hard to figure out a routine in this house. I have 3 kids but I'm lonely for another adult. I need some retraining to figure out what is right for us.
ReplyDeleteDaily life is different but can you focus on what's good about it? With me, it's no longer having the feeling that something is wrong but every time I'd ask my husband if he's okay, he'd say he was fine. When I get lonely, I think of things that he did that annoyed the shit out of me. As the shock is wearing off about what he did, those things are getting easier to come up with. The infidelity fog is lifting and I can see more clearly.
DeleteIs there a friend you can text when you're lonely? I have a few good friends that respond immediately. It's nice to know there's life out there when you just want to scream about an adult topic and the only people you see are under four feet tall or have four legs. You can email me, my address is on the side. I know just what you're going through.
Take care of yourself. Your kids love you, you will all get through this. I tell myself this daily.
Another thing they don't tell you is that even when you try to do the right thing, when you try to minimise conflict, rebuild your life claiming nothing from your ex, encourage a healthy relationship with your children and their father, move on with your life and establish a healthy, loving environment for your child with your a new partner, there are still some exs that are so poisonous and vindictive that even when they were the first to remarry, they simply will not allow you to enjoy the peace you try to create.
ReplyDeleteI got divorced seven years ago and have been raising my child 85% on my own not only financially but in all other respects. My ex remarried three years after we split up and I believed that since he had a new spouse, I could finally have some peace in my life. After a lawsuit that began as a suit for custody which later became one for visitation (which he already had) I wasn't sure there was any hope for happiness but things seemed to settle after the case was finalised. Then as soon as I became serious with my now husband the drama began. The situation has worsened now that I am married because my ex suddenly wants to be more involved in my son's life, calling all the time (when he never allowed me to call him when he was with him) and constantly quizzing him about our life. He is also constantly feeding my son negative information to make my son feel that I am not a good parent, and he spoils him with expensive gifts and a rule free lifestyle in an attempt to seem like the better parent. My 9 year old son is torn up and I constantly dread his vists to his father because when he returns he is a wreck and has collpased and vomitted on many occasions because of the stress he is put under. I have tried everything I can to move to do what is best for my son but I see now that the best thing may be to move away and protect him from this emotional trauma. Sometimes trying to be the bigger person doesn't help.
I may have managed to free myself from this terrible relationship but now my son must deal with the emotional trauma.
I am so so sorry about what you and your son are going through. That is just awful to see how it affects the children so greatly. I know people say that children need both parents but if one of the parents is such a bad influence, I think seeing them one a year would be plenty. Toxic parents (like it sounds like your ex is) should not play much of a role in their children's lives. Maybe moving would be for the best for you. Would you have to go to court and fight for it though? That's the difficult thing in co-parenting. You can't make the decisions unilaterally, you have to ask for permission. That just kills me! We know we want the best for our children, I can't say the same about their father's desires though.
DeleteThanks for reading and writing.
Wow, Frau, this sounds terrible. It is like yr ex wants u bk or realises he made a mistake. I hav a friend whose ex got violent after he left her for other woman but after three wks decides he wants his wife! So turns violent and police are then envolved. I am in the situation where my partner had a brief fling when working away but finished it and changed so many things to keep me but I hate living with it everyday and don't think i can ever forgive him.
ReplyDeleteBut it is the kids that keep me with him for now as he is such a good dad and doing everything he can to prove that it is me and the kids he wants.
My worry is if i do leave him will i experience what you are going through. Life is so bloody hard sometimes. I feel like i am sacrificing my happiness to ensure my kids have a happy childhood. Really feel for u and yr little boy. FTxxx
I'm glad to hear that your partner is a good dad. I really hope his fling is over but I know I would have a hard time ever trusting again. If your partner is truly trying to keep you and has changed, I hope you are going to counseling to try to work through the issues. I would hate to hear that you have to live your life always doubting that he is fully invested in the relationship.
DeleteLife is hard and unfair sometimes. Your partner did a horrible thing. If you decide that you can't forgive, I think that's showing your kids that you had enough strength to walk away. And if you decide to stay and work it out, I think your kids will be fine too. Either way, you will be making the right decision for you and your kids.
FTxx (i have decided to use FT as my name ;-) )
ReplyDeleteAnd Kay- forgot to say thank you for creating this site. It is just so good to have some where to go and chat with others going through the same thing.
Don't think there is such a grp u could visit in person like an AA support grp- would that be a good idea?!?!? Great to have yr site though.
Thank you
FTxx
It is comforting to speak with other people going through similar things. Misery loves company. I've heard there are divorce support groups but I've never gone to one before. I'm not sure I'd enjoy speaking in person to strangers about what I'm going through. Cyberspace provides a bit of a filter and dulls the pain a little....
DeleteThanks for being here.