When I'm feeling most alone and pathetic, undesirable and unloved (usually after the kids go to bed and the house falls silent), I pull up match.com and start to look at the other hopeful (desperate?) people out there looking for their mate. Right away you can file them in a few categories: ewwww (username - passionatehorny or 10inches. Seriously, aren't they on the wrong site?); serial killer (some of those pictures - yikes) and the final category (maybe this guy is normal?).
I haven't turned on my profile yet. It's still hidden so nobody can see me cyberstalking them. At this point I'm not ready to be out there dating. I'm still married, that's just wrong. Then I think why didn't that stop my husband? I guess my moral compass speaks louder than his.
I keep a list of the guys that seem to have qualities I'm looking for. Anyone that says honest gets bonus points and someone who mentions that his wife or girlfriend cheated on him gets sympathy points. Anyone who loves kids and dogs gets on the short list and if they talk about doing projects around the home, I'm almost temped to press the 'wink' button.
These men on my list have no idea that they've given this woman who's been dealt such a blow a little bit of hope. I'll probably never contact them, I'm not sure online dating is in my future. But, if I could, I would tell them thank you for creating your profiles and letting me see that there are other fish in the sea besides the shark that I caught who almost swallowed me whole and then spit me out in several pieces.
I did the same thing! As someone who is a couple years ahead of you, my advice would be to slow down the "getting out there" thoughts. Finish the D and make sure your kids are ok. There are plenty of fish and most of them are going nowhere. Don't worry, someone will want you ;).
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, looked at OkCupid but never put up a profile. Some of the women I found on there over 1 yr ago are still there! For me, doing things thru Meetup.com was sooooo much better.
Best of luck,
Walt
I've never heard of meetup.com. I guess I have some research to do once the D is over and I'm emotionally ready to ride the roller coaster. Never heard of okcupid either. I lead a sheltered life apparently (completely different from my husband's experience with online dating).
ReplyDeleteI literally LOLed when I read "There are plenty of fish and most of them are going nowhere."
I'd never heard of them either prior to my D. After discovering my XW's affair, I felt I had to get out there and prove I still "had it." So, I did.
ReplyDeleteWhat I found (after a yr+ of "dating") was that a physical relationship was easy to find. There are a ton of single women 35-45 who are more than happy to give it up with little commitment on my end. Sure, it was fun but also very empty.
The emotional "connection" was the hard/impossible part. Infidelity throws your emotional compass into a tizzy. You stop trusting your gut as your "gut" allowed this jerk to cheat on you in the first place. Then, when you meet someone great, it's hard to let them in as your gut resists b/c it doesn't want to get hurt again.
So, here's my advice: Don't date for awhile - stop thinking about it & don't worry about it as it doesn't really matter in the long run. Who cares if you start dating in 6-12 months instead of now??? Take care of yourself. See a therapist to deal with the emotional fallout of the D and the cheating. Take care of the kids as they need a stable parent right now.
The other thing no one really talks about is the change in your identity. For me, the change from a "married" mindset to "divorced/single" was huge as I was married for so long. A year later, I'm still getting used to the idea of being a single dad!
Anyway, there are lots of changes in store for you in the next 6-12 months. Just focus on those without worrying about the next guy...
-Walt
Walt - you sound like a guy who has it together. Your XW is obviously an idiot who wasn't smart enough to appreciate what she had.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice. You're right, I absolutely do not need to worry about the next guy.
Hang in there... and like Walt said yeah those fish aren't going anywhere. I made the mistake of online dating after my husband left/was thrown out because I wanted to meet someone who didnt know me and would not talk to me about the affair. I also wanted to prove to myself that I was attractive. Ugh it was so gross. I went out one ONE date with ONE guy. He was very sweet but alas not for me. Poor thing bought me dinner and let me vent like a crazy person. He kept after me long after our date and I had to just tell him I was not ready to see anyone. He predicted, "Your husband will come back. He's an idiot." Hah. But for the most part... it was SO GROSS! Just horny men who wanted to play dumb games. What a waste of money. It helped me flirt a bit. That did help me. But my suggestion is spend the money on a day spa... at least you get a massage and a mani/pedi out of it!
ReplyDeleteLol. You do make a day spa sound much more appealing than a date. And I really could use a pedicure.
DeleteJust as everyone else has said. You have LOTS of time before you begin dating. Get to know yourself....it's the best company you have!
ReplyDeleteSetting up a profile and starting to date did help me feel good about myself......in the beginning. It was flattering, but after being on several sites, I have found they are basically the same.
I wrote a half a dozen or so blogs on beginning internet dating. Check it out for a chuckle;
http://joycepitronehawkinswrinklesdonthurt.blogspot.com/2011/04/internet-dating-101-taking-plunge.html
A lot of the profiles that I see are a little off-putting. I'm still in window shopping mode. I'm reading your blogs. I'm curious to see if you went on any dates! :)
DeleteThanks for reading and writing.