Finding My Second Wind but Then Losing It

My husband had to work this weekend and the day started off well with him gone from the house. The kids and I lay around peacefully in the morning and there was no tension. Then I felt a kind of calm come over me and thought - I can handle this divorce and in fact might even appreciate it in time. I can do as I please with no husband to worry about how he's going to react. I rearranged my bedroom all around (he always hated when I moved furniture). The more I rearranged the better I felt. Then I moved on to the playroom and organized in there and once again, I felt calm, like maybe he really did me a favor by having the affair and asking for a divorce. I haven't been happy in a long time, always worried about how depressed he seemed and always encouraging him to buy and do things to make him happy. His motorcycle, a kayak, fishing gear. I encouraged him to go out and have hobbies and find something to make himself happy. How selfish that he made himself happy by having an affair. I could see the bad, immature side of him today and I was actually counting the days until he leaves.

I asked my 8-year daughter how she was doing with the idea of Daddy moving out and she said "fine" and then asked if I was going to let him take the night table that I had stuck in a corner of my bedroom. My daughter, the practical one just like me. I asked her how she thought her 6-year old brother was doing and she said "fine, he hasn't mentioned it to me at all." It still eats me up inside to think about them going through this and having their parents be divorced but someone told me that you can't promise your kids a perfect life and that gives me some comfort.

I enjoyed my feeling of calm and peace for most of the day, and then he came home and I saw him and I thought - Oh my God, he's choosing someone else over me. I've made him so miserable these last few years that he's willing to walk away from his life just to escape me. He's willing to leave his house, his children, our dog, his garage, everything, just because I make him feel so bad about himself. I do realize way deep inside me that it's his own shortcomings that are making him feel this way but it's still painful to look at him and imagine him moving out into his apartment and probably seeing his new girlfriend every night and having the time of his life. Why wouldn't he be happy? He'll have no responsibilities or at least very little. No house to take care of, no kids daily to look after, no dog hair to sweep up. And then I think - if he can be happy in that kind of life, I don't want him anyway. But a little piece of me still wishes he would walk into my bedroom and say he's gone crazy and he just wants to work on our marriage. I know I could never trust him and I just need to move forward with this whole thing but it's so hard knowing that you've shared 15 years of your life with someone and they are willing to walk away towards someone else.

I hope I find that calm again tomorrow when I wake up and he's already gone to work. And I really hope that calm surrounds me when he moves out and I no longer have to look at him and be reminded of what he's done over and over again.