A Catalog to Remind Myself

I'm still in the anger stage on my journey. Anger like I've never felt before anger. Anger like I didn't know I was capable of anger. And then comes the hatred like I've never experienced hatred. Hatred like I'm capable of killing him if I knew I could get away with it hatred. I used to think I was a good person but now I'm not so sure because I am seething with some not so good emotions right now.

As I struggle with overcoming these emotions, I force myself to remember that he's a pile of dog crap on my shoes and not worth my time or thoughts. I try to do a catalog of some of the shitty things that he's done in the past few years (other than screwing another woman of course) to remind myself that he really does not matter at all.

He promised our six-year old son last fall that he would be his on-field soccer coach. Aw, a father and son bonding experience, I thought happily. Well, the father and son bonding experience turned into my husband walking off the field one evening because he felt he was being 'left out' by the other coaches because he wasn't 'one of the cool parents'. Seriously? 'You're going to go back out on the field, right?' I asked. Nope, he was done for the year because they made him feel bad about himself. So I had to take up his slack and finish off the season. I never told our son or our friends who noticed my husband's absence the real reason why. I said that he had hurt his back and he couldn't do it any longer. Covering for him because that's what I do.

One evening a few months ago my husband kissed the kids goodnight and our six year old son did something (I never found out what) to make my husband mad. My husband left the house without telling anyone and when I noticed he was gone, I asked the kids what happened and they said they didn't know and where was Daddy? They were upset that he had left without saying anything. I had to say that Daddy must have had to go back to work for a while. Covering for him because that's what I do.

Countless times my husband got out of work before I did and instead of picking up the kids, he would head straight home. A few times a friend would notice that he was home and would comment to me that she saw he was there but I was still the one to get the kids. 'He's making supper,' I would say, 'he didn't have a chance to pick them up.' Covering for him because that's what I do.

Now let's get to the part that involves his 'lady' friend. Almost every single weekend for the last year and a half, my husband has said that he was going to ride his motorcycle or go to his friend's house to watch football. Stupidly I kissed him goodbye and said 'Have fun' as I told the kids that we were on our own that day and maybe we could go to the movies or to the mall and yes, we would have a good day. Covering for him because that's what I do.

Well, the covering for him has ended. I will not make up any more excuses for him to our children, our friends, our family, to anyone. My role in this deception is over. Maybe he will become a better person without me there to always pick up the slack. Maybe I've been the problem all along because he knew I would be there to pick up the pieces. Maybe he'll man up and become the father that I always fooled myself into thinking he was or wanting him to be. Maybe, but I doubt it, and that's why I have to overcome this anger and hatred because we all are who we are and there's no changing that. I'm hoping the next step on this journey is acceptance and I'll see the sign soon that says 'Destination Ahead'.