Dealing with the Rage

The rage boils in me often throughout the day. When I'm not busy enough to keep my mind off what's happening in my life, what's out of my control, the rage bubbles up inside of me and threatens to overflow. Will we have to sell our house? Will my children have to change schools? Will my children be okay through all of this? Will my husband end up the winner in the race to happiness? How could he do this to us? When I let my mind wander, then I start to lose control on the reins of the rage.

My counselor sent me a link for a book about dealing with anger. Angry? Me? Really? I had no idea that I was having issues dealing with my anger. I'm shocked since I only imagine gutting my husband 8 times a day and I thought the cutoff for angry was 9. What a surprise.

I don't know why I should be angry. There are so many fun things that I've discovered after being hit by the infidelity bus.

My husband is a cheat and a pathological liar based on many months of working hard at hiding his dirty little secret. And yet I'm the one in therapy trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. He's the cheater and liar and I'm in counseling. Ironic.

I'm the wronged party here yet I have to be strong for my children and keep up the front that Daddy is still daddy (even though all Mommy can see is a pile of shit in front of her).

Pre-bomb drop day I would spend a lot of time browsing the Internet trying to decide which rug or lamp to buy for a room that I had recently painted. Now my time is spent reading divorce blogs or looking at self-help websites - 'how to heal after finding out about infidelity', 'why do husbands cheat', 'how to co-parent with the ex you can't stand'. I'd much prefer looking at Pottery Barn to googling 'will my husband find happiness with his skanky whore'.

My husband is the one who should be hiding in a hole somewhere and yet I'm the one that feels like never leaving the house because God forbid, someone ask me the simple question of "How are you?" and I have to bite my tongue to speak from answering honestly.

At this point, I'm not ready to buy that book on dealing with anger. I'm holding my anger and rage close to me, they are what get me through the days. Without those feelings, I'm worried that I'll descend into sadness again over everything that we've lost. I can handle my counselor sending me a link to a book about anger but I can not face her sending me a link to a book about depression.