I Don't Hate You

I wrote this many weeks ago but never posted it. I'm not sure why. This interaction with my husband is what made me go the mostly no contact route. I need to stay in a healthy mindset for my kids and I can't do that when I engage in the blame game with my husband. 

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Tonight I had my weekly counseling appointment. Lots and lots to discuss.  My husband picked up the kids. Even though I found out he's a disgusting pig (responding to craigslist's ads soliciting sex with shots of his penis, yup; account on adult friend finder, yup; exchanging naked pics with random women on the internet, yup; year and a half long affair, yup), I do believe he loves his children (in his own way) and they needed to see him. He hasn't been home for a week since I found out about the additional qualifications that he can add to his resume for husband of the year. 

I texted him last night to ask if he still wanted to pick up the kids. "I don't know, what have you told them," was his response.  Idiot, like I'd tell the kids anything. "Just that you had to stay over at work," I responded. Fine, he'd pick them up. 

So yadda yadda yadda, the appointment is over and I arrive home. I walk in the door and he's in the kitchen. (Yes, the kitchen where he photographed his penis against my cabinet and sent it in some email to a random person from craigslist). "Hi," I say calmly. I can be quite the actress when I want. "Hi," he says sadly. I'd be sad too if I sent genital shots to half the people on craigslist. I greet the kids and he puts on his coat. Look up 'awkward' in the dictionary and you'll see a photo of us saying goodbye to each other. He tells the kids he has to go back to work. The kids say goodbye and I love you and he looks tortured. I feel pity for him. 

He leaves and then I receive this text: 

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I'm not sure if I should have stayed longer. I feel awful leaving them but I guess that's fair and what I should feel. But I don't want to aggravate you either. I'm sorry for destroying everything.

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I bawl. He feels bad. He really feels bad! "I'm sorry too, I'm worried about you," I write back. Sobbing and sobbing. He feels some pain over this. Finally a breakthrough. 

He writes back: 

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I'm sure you are but I'm not some sexual predator or someone you have to worry about with our kids. I'd never do anything to hurt them. 

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Hmmm. I want to respond that you've already hurt them but I refrain. I want to rip him apart on this one but he just said that he's sorry, that he destroyed everything! How should I respond? Maybe I shouldn't????

And then I get another text: 

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But I'm worried about you but I really don't think you'll ever be willing to admit that you have set any conditions in our marriage that caused it to fail. 

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I wanted to write "my conditions were that you'd be faithful and not a piece of shit like your cheating father" but I refrained.

And then I get another text: 

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Just like you're probably convinced that I'm out of my mind I'm equally convinced that you don't have the capacity to think of yourself as anything less than without fault or perfect. I won't disagree however that you're a victim of my actions and horrible choices, and for that I can't apologize enough to you or our kids.  But I'm not trying to make you upset. I do still care for you and the kids and it may not sound right, but I don't hate you. 

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He doesn't hate me? That makes me feel so much better. Imagine if he did hate me? What would he do then? Gouge my heart out with a spoon? At this point I'm rolling on the floor laughing. It's not even hard to refrain from responding. Go sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here. (Credit Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets for that terrific line.)