My kids haven't seen nor talked to their dad in a week and a half. Tonight he came to my daughter's softball game. I looked behind me and there he was. 'Hi,' I said, surprised. 'Hi,' he said casually, 'how are you?' I have a fucking kidney stone and you're divorcing me, how the hell do you think I am, I wanted to scream but since I was surrounded by other parents I said fine.
My six year old son was playing with some friends and they were running around near us. I saw my son notice his father but he didn't come over. My daughter came off the field and her eyes swept over me and then saw her father but she just sat on the bench, no movement to greet or acknowledge him. In the past, I would have encouraged the kids to say hi to Daddy but I really don't feel that it's my job to be the shepherd of everything now. My husband is an adult (well, physically, mentally I believe he's on par with a 13-year old.) I believe it is up to him to cultivate his own relationship with our kids.
At one point during the game, my son came running over to me and jumped on my lap. He hugged me and gave me a kiss and then he stood up and looked at his father. I swear to God if my child looked at me that way, I would have fallen to the ground in agony. My son looked at him like he was a stranger and walked by him. My husband reached out to tickle him and my son giggled and then went off with his friends. A week and a half of no contact and there's just a tickle and a giggle? I'm starting to feel sick and it's not because of the 7mm stone in my ureter.
In the second inning my 9-year old daughter left the field and said she didn't feel well. She had diarrhea in her pants. My daughter has stomach issues and is fragile. Was it just coincidence that her father was there and this happened? I don't know but the last time he came to a game she struck out and had a fit and refused to go back on the field. This time we left the game early.
We walked to the car and loaded up the kids. My husband asked if he could have a hug from my daughter and she gave him one. He said to me, 'Do you want some help? I can come back to the house.' 'No, we're fine,' I said. 'Let me know if you need anything,' he said. Should I be happy he offered? Should I take him up on it? I don't know. I struggle with how this is supposed to work. I'm sick and I'm tired and I'm sad and I want to lean on someone. But he's the man that left me and the man that I blame for doing this to our kids. If I never had to see him again, I would consider that the best gift ever. But I have to somehow figure out how to make this work for my kids and I'm lost. I really don't know how much is my responsibility anymore or how much is my co-dependency and my need to fix and control everything.
I believe my kids look to me for their behavior. Are they acting cold because they see me acting impersonal with their father? How the hell can I not act impersonal with the man who told his girlfriend that he 'loved her luscious lips'? Seriously, can I wipe that fucking statement from my mind, I wish I had never seen that. If there's a drug to unread something, I'll be the first in line for the prescription.
Last night I was telling the kids goodnight and I said they were my everything and I loved them. My son looked at me and said 'you, me, Diddy and Rosie are enough.' (He calls my daughter Diddy, cutest thing ever. And Rosie is our dog.) Is my 6-year old trying to reassure me that even without a Dad living here, that we're okay? Or am I giving too much credit to a kindergartener? I don't know but I am still convinced that my son is already a better man/person than my husband ever was or will be.
My heart goes out to you. All i can say is you are doing the best you can and it seems to me that you are a great mother to your children. It is not possible to know all the answers or know what the right thing to do is but i just want to say that you are doing so great under these horrible circumstances. I have a lot of respect for you. Lots of love to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I really struggle with what to do for my kids' sake. Do I talk about Daddy and missing him to let them know that it's okay if they're feeling that way? Or do I not bring it up in case they're not even thinking about it? The other day my daughter picked up the mail and there was some for my husband. She asked what to do with it and my son said, 'he doesn't live here anymore, throw it in the trash.' Is that a sign that he's doing okay or a sign that he's not? Arg, you could go crazy thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I haven't been married or have kids, my parents separated when I was young. My mum had to move countries to be away from my dad and raised me and my sisters as a single mum. I think the most important thing for me personally was seeing that my mum had a lot of self respect and really did her best to take care of herself, both mind and body. We struggled alot the first few years but just watching how strong my mum was even with her insecurities and doubts just made everything better. I don't know if this helps but this is what my mum did that helped me the most.
DeleteThanks, that does help. It's interesting to hear the perceptive of a child who's gone through it although I'm sorry for your sake that you had to. Mums rock! Yours sounds like a terrific one.
DeleteI don't think there really can be a "good" way to do this. My oldest won't speak to him, the middle is confused and angry, and my son is happy to play with anyone who will play. The oldest and middle haven't told him that they love him in over 6 months...not once. I would die. They don't ask about him or ask to see him. I honestly think that if he would just vanish, we would all heal and move on. Maybe I'm wrong. you sound like you're doing everything you can. You're functioning and taking care of your kids and they obviously know that you love them. I will do anything I can to help my kids, but not to make it easier for him.
ReplyDeleteOur bizarro similarities continue. I have had kidney stones and we have a dog named Rosie.
Vanishing. Yes I've prayed for that.
DeleteThat is eerie that you've had kidney stones and a dog named Rosie! Lets hope our similar journeys continue on and in a few years we are laughing because we are living our happily ever afters.
He is playing the nice guy routine ( in my opinion) what? I offered to help....what's your problem? He forgets that because of his lies and his cheating, HE did this. I know it's hard. The one person you are used to turning to for comfort is gone. Take it that you know he is feeling guilty, knows he screwed up, and is likely jealous that you seem to be doing just fine without him. They (cheaters) love the nice guy act. I kept falling for it as a slimmer of hope....don't make the same mistake I did...please. Trust that he sucks! Normal people do not make power point presentations of the bad things his wife did while forgetting all of the good. Normal people do not lead a secret double life and then turn around and say it's because YOUR dog ate my hat. Believe me, with my AF husband I swore it was PTSD and/or depression. I still catch myself idealizing him pretty often....I have to force myself to remember lying is NOT okay. Cheating is NOT okay. I am still spackeling away for him...he sucks. Lean of your blog. Lean on your friends and family. Hell, lean on me....us military wives stick together through it all.
ReplyDeleteStopping the spackeling is crazy hard isn't it? I guess we are so trained to do it that it's easier to continue on instead of forcibly stopping. The military should offer a class to its soldiers about why they shouldn't cheat and implode their families. Be brave and end a marriage like a man instead of a coward. I don't think I'll ever view someone in uniform the same way again. I used to be proud now I just think what a disturbed individual most of them are.
DeleteIt is crazy hard. The military should do A LOT of things....my husband was on his 11th deployment in 10 years, not to mention countless TDYs...about 3 months into dating I woke up with his hands around my throat trying to strangle me. I forced him into counseling, making him pay cash, and using a different name so it wouldn't hurt his career. In April 2011 when he returned from deployment 10, he was depressed, had migraines, not sleeping, had lied about health issues to get sent home. I made him go for treatment again but they sent him on 2more TDYs and then to NCOA...I put us into counseling together but only had 3sessions before he had to leave for a year. I thought we had turned the corner, then 3months in I got a phone call that said get health insurance, I want a divorce" poof it was over. Of course they was another woman. He said I blamed all our issues on PTSD and depression and made him feel bad about himself ( nothing of course about the fact he lied to everyone , had volunteered for that deployment, and even delisted without telling me) I was too blame for not remembering he wanted a glass of wine on our honeymoon and because I called him stupid 5years ago at a party while I was drunk. It didnt matter that I jumped through every hoop he asked me to, nothing was good enough for him. I was not quiet about his actions but did the military do anything to help me or him? Nope....I mean here was an E6 that was NCO of the year for our base, maintain acne professional of the year for his squadron, and crew chief of the year twice....it must be the horrible wife (doesn't matter that I organized a charity to send 120boxes of goodies to his unit in Bagram for Christmas) nope it's all my fault. I am now at the point trying to forgive myself for being so blind to fall for it. All the signs were there. Man it sucks. I am grateful I didn't have kids with him...I don't know how you maintain your class, but somehow we always find a way. I think they know this and internally they know they suck so they let us go to find someone who is right for us and will love us the same way we love...it's just the way they leave that makes it so much more difficult
DeleteJeez, 11 deployments in 10 years. That's a frigging lot! I heard the same thing about me blaming our issues on PTSD and depression and I made him feel bad about himself. Is there some manual they all read with steps to follow and things to say? It would be almost laughable if it wasn't so painful.
DeleteHe brought up that you didn't remember he wanted a glass of wine? These men have memories like elephants. I can't remember what day of the week it is and they can remember minor things (that they make major) from years ago. Unbelievable.
It's always the wife's fault. I don't know why society deems that to be so but it just is.
My husband told me that I needed to find someone like one of my friend's husbands for myself and the kids. I think you're right - internally he knows he sucks. I know he sucks too but it's hard to get through the fact that he wasn't who I thought he was or who I wanted him to be.