A friend recently told me that her neighbors are getting divorced. 'That's too bad,' I said but in a dark place inside my soul I think one more member for the local divorced club. The couple has 2 sons and one daughter, all in junior high. The Dad is a real asshole, my friend says, with quite a temper and the mom is throwing him out. Their two sons are furious at their mother which is making it very hard. And then my friend says, 'At least your kids aren't angry at you or your husband.'
Last week my kids raced down the road to the mailbox. They came running back and my nine year old daughter was excitedly waving something like it was the latest American Girl catalog. 'Mommy, Daddy got some mail! What do we do with it?' Before I had a chance to answer, my six year old said, 'He doesn't live here anymore, throw it in the trash.' I laughed before I could stop myself and then said, 'We'll give it to him the next time we see him' (although I really would like to burn it in the backyard).
I'm not a child psychologist but the words that my son spoke don't sound like he's completely hunky dory with Daddy moving out. I think he does harbor anger towards his father for leaving. So often my daughter comes homes and says one of her friends didn't play with her at recess and she says she's mad and sad about it. Daddy moving out is similar to that but magnified about a million times. One of the most important people in your life is gone all of a sudden. You don't talk to him daily anymore, you see him occasionally. He's not there to tuck you in at bedtime. If you get hurt by a friend ignoring you at recess one day, I can't imagine the rejection you feel when Daddy moves out.
My daughter is going on an overnight field trip for school. To say she is bouncing with excitement is an understatement. She packed her things enthusiastically and then I saw her sitting on her bed with a photo of the 'intact' family, the four of us, during a trip to Disney World a few years ago. 'What are you doing?' I asked. 'I'm going to put pictures in my locket so if I miss you when I'm gone, I can look at my locket and kiss you.' <heart melting> I watch her carefully cut out her brother's face and then my face. She put the cutouts in the locket and then put the rest of the photo aside. My husband's face never got cut out of that photo, never found a home in her locket. Should I have asked her why she didn't include his photo, prompted her to cut that one out as well? I don't know. She didn't bring it up and neither did I.
I think people deserve happiness but I don't think it should come at the expense of your children. Divorce happens but I believe you should fight tooth and nail before you upheave your children's world. I will never be able to fathom the selfishness of parents who quickly throw in the towel because they want to move on to find their own version of happiness. I believe (hope) my kids will be okay but I also believe a little part of their hearts are always going to remember the pain and confusion from this time in our lives. My husband's father cheated on his mother seventeen years ago and my husband doesn't have a relationship with his father anymore. My husband was an adult when his father left his mother and it had a profound effect on him. What kind of impact will this have on my children who are in the midsts of their formative years?
Your children are lucky to have one parent who cannot fathom that level of self-centeredness. The challenge with young children is that they cannot always articulate what they feel and don't have a blueprint for how they should behave when something like this comes along. This is how they get that blueprint for later in life. Navigate with confidence and let your love for them be your guide. They may not be able to express their hurt and disappointment, but surely it is there. Let them know that those feelings are ok to have and talk about. Maybe family counseling to give the 3 of you a place to do just that?
ReplyDeleteSandy
Family counseling is a good idea. It's so hard to get a read on how the kids are dealing with this. Thanks Sandy.
DeleteI've been reading your journey through this trying time in your life & am amazed at not only your strength, but the strength and courage of your children. With you at their side, they will turn out just fine. No one comes through childhood unscathed, but your children will grow into wonderful, empathetic adults.
ReplyDeleteIt's been almost three years ago that I discovered that my husband was having an affair with an ex-coworker (whom he reconnected with on Facebook). During the time I now call "the week of a thousand paper cuts," which was the time I was discovering the depth of his deceit and secrecy, he also revealed that he had previously been messing around with a friend of mine. For 15 years - which is longer than we were married at that point. They would meet periodically after work and she would give him oral satisfaction. Sometimes their encounters would be every few years; sometimes every other month. Needless to say, she's no longer a friend.
We are still married. My knee-jerk reaction was to toss him (and all his stuff, mental & physical) to the curb. However, I realized I couldn't put my kids through that (at the time, they were 7 and 12). I decided I had to do everything I could to try to salvage the marriage. He was completely willing to do the same. He cut off all contact immediately with both women and we went through some intense couples counseling. He's had to work VERY hard to earn trust, respect, loyalty - everything - back. It's an ongoing process. Some days are better than others, but the bad days grow further & further apart.
When I read your column today, it helped me feel better about not tossing him to the curb. There are days I still doubt my sanity for staying with him. It was like having to get to know him all over again.
Thank you for sharing your story with us each day. Don't worry about your kids. With your strong guidance, they'll turn out fine. I agree with the post above - counseling might do wonders for you and the kids.
Good luck. And keep in mind, it does get better.
I'm so sorry! 'A friend'?! Seriously how can someone do that to their friend? That is disgusting. How can people get a thrill from such sordid behavior? Is it really worth it? I would most certainly NOT think so.
DeleteI don't know if I'm envious that you are trying to work through your issues or not. It takes a strong person to try to save the marriage and sort through all the hurt and deception. I'm glad your husband is willing to try along with you. I wish you all the best. I hope the good days outnumber the bad days by the hundreds.
Thanks for sharing.
I wouldn't be envious - my situation is just different. It could have gone the exact same way as yours had my husband chosen to leave us for pathetic unemployed bitch.
DeleteI also realize that this "friend" was never really a friend once she put her mouth on his dick (despite the years of our children hanging out and the fact that she was in our wedding - which happened AFTER their first hook-up).
I still have anger, but the biggest aha moment I've had during this journey was learning that his infidelities had nothing to do with me. I know that seems weird, but really, I wouldn't blame myself if he tried to drink his troubles away or use drugs to escape his issues. He was just dealing with his issues by f*#cking someone else. (Many counseling sessions have helped both of us come to understand this.)
When I read about your husband trying to blame you (saying you won't acknowledge your part in the downfall of the marriage, etc.), that's what really pisses me off. He made a choice and now he wants you to take the blame.
Sure, I'm not perfect. But I didn't turn to someone else. That was my husband's choice. When I de-personalized the situation, it became easier for me to forgive.
I've even forgiven the so-called friend (not to her face - but that's not necessary to heal). If living well is the best revenge, then I've done that in spades. Not only is she divorced (her husband was cheating on her as well), but her kids won't have anything to do with her because she's become a hoarding hermit that now weighs well over 300 pounds. She's lost her job, her friends, her family. Right now, three years later, I'm surrounded by those I know are true friends and my family. She's totally alone.
Good luck in your journey. We're all here cheering you on. :)
I think this is the hardest part of what we go through as abandoned wives...watching our kids deal with it. I've watched my kids grow up without their dad around and it's heartbreaking, to this very day.
ReplyDeleteLast week, I bought my 15 year old his first razor. He had no idea how to shave. My 19 year old was blessed with my facial hair (LOL) meaning he has just a Shaggy-like chin scruff and a few random mustache hairs. My other son, the 15 year old? He's got the Grizzly Adams thing going on.
I googled "How to Teach Your Son to Shave" and the complete absurdity of the situation made me laugh. I asked him, "Why don't you ask your dad to teach you?". He just shrugged and said, "I'd rather do it here." I felt fresh anger rise up.
It never ends. But it does get easier.
By the way, thanks for the inspiration. I am now going to write about the shaving incident :)
You hang in there, sister.
Yes, it's definitely the effect on our kids that makes my bitterness rise up and overflow my betrayed wife bucket. I am pissed that I was betrayed but I am more pissed that he chose his skank over our children. I'm sure some people would say that he didn't but when you walk away from your family and only see your kids a fraction of the time, you're choosing yourself over your children.
DeleteYour son wanting to shave at your house is both touching and heartbreaking. Once again he turns to his mom who has been his everything. That warms the heart but also makes me want to inflict some pain on your douchebag.
I look forward to reading your post. I love your writing. It makes me laugh out loud.