I was reading an article on a news site
about a woman whose husband blindsided her with divorce. Someone commented, ‘for some people ignorance
is bliss.... they live their lives oblivious to what is happening to
their marriage.’
Why the hell are people so freaking callous
when it comes to divorce? If someone dies, do they say 'well, you knew it would
happen sometime?' Divorce is the death of all your hopes, dreams and happiness
at that point in your life (well, unless you’re the cheater and then you’re
fine with moving on to your Plan B hopes, dream and happiness.)
My response to this person was -
Ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is
trusting your husband and viewing him through your own moral compass. If I
couldn't imagine myself cheating, then I didn't think he was capable of it
either. Ignorance is trying to make your seemingly depressed husband happy for two years after he returned from Afghanistan only to discover that he started an
affair shortly after he returned. Ignorance is taking care of your children and
working a full time job while your husband gallivants off to his 'friend's
house' or away on his motorcycle and you wave to him as he drives away because
you just want him to be happy. Ignorance is going out to supper with your
husband and then having him say "we have to talk" and he drops his
bomb that explodes your whole family. You see your whole life and the lives of
your children pass before your eyes. Yes, I probably should have seen the signs
if I had been looking or if I had done research. But who researches an
affliction that you never thought you had? Ignorance is most definitely not
bliss.
- "Divorce is the death of all your hopes, dreams and happiness at that point in your life"
ReplyDeleteI think this might be a difference of perspective, but marriage wasn't ever one of my hopes or dreams. I had intended to avoid it altogether, but my girl eventually convinced me that doing it provided some marginal value for us (well, mostly for her). I think of weddings and marriages in roughly the same way as I think about trips to the DMV. Losing the relationship is what matters, not the ceremonial state title. On a forum full of millions of Devil's Advocates trying to prove how much cleverer they are than the next guy, it's to be expected that they would post that way of the dead or marriage (especially if they feel as I mentioned above). I think it's moderately disrespectful but it's also predictable and I assume you've had to purge troll comments on your blog because, well, the internet.
It's a bit snarky, but you grew up reading romance novels and you can't even imagine cheating? Aren't those books basically full of Duchesses having torrid affairs while the Duke is off fighting somewhere?
On a more serious note, in reading your posts I have a tough time believing he only cheated on you with 2 people. I think his PowerPoint presentation was only noting full relationships where he knew the girls' names and took them out on repeated dates. There's a 7 year gap in information and I don't believe people change for no reason, mostly owing to laziness.
It sounds like your husband picked happiness over loyalty. Because he is like a war hero who has done tours in Afghanistan you'd expect that duty/loyalty would be the most important thing to him, but I guess you can't tell until the options exist in contrast. Your posts seem to indicate that you would choose loyalty over happiness, that is a pretty big incompatibility to have.
*Technical Note:
Something is wrong with the poll, the votes kept counting down and it isn't showing the results correctly. Thought I'd mention it.
-Colin
(Also, my login is not working right and until I figure out what is going on I'm to remain Anon)
Even if I hadn't been married, I would still be appalled at what my husband did. Just because you're married doesn't mean that you're any more committed than two people who love each other and vow to be faithful and raise a family together. That piece of paper just allows you to check the 'married - filing jointly' box on your taxes. Instead of saying 'divorce is the death...', I might have said 'the end of the relationship is the death...'
ReplyDeleteI only read the romance novels where the woman was a virgin and married the man of her dreams. And that man would never cheat because he had too much love and respect for the woman that he adored. So basically I read fantasy.
I have no idea if my husband cheated on me with more than 2 people. Did he work his way down the ads in Craigslist? Who knows and I don't really care. That's disgusting and his behavior repulses me.
I'm not sure if my husband is picking happiness over loyalty. He sure doesn't look like a happy man. The few times he's seen the kids, he looks more tortured than anything else. Maybe his happiness will kick in when he's all set up in his apartment and can relax on the couch without kids yelling to him to come upstairs and please kiss them goodnight. Maybe his happiness will come when he has to do his own laundry and pay his own bills and take out the garbage (all things that I used to do for him.)
And I don't know if I would pick loyalty over happiness either. If my husband had came to me and said 'I'm unhappy, this just feels bad.' I would have said, 'let's go to counseling and see if we can work things out.' I think that's the right thing to do when you have children. You should be putting your children first. If the counseling didn't work out, we could say okay, we're done, let's figure things out. But instead my husband chose to lead a secret life and purposely and systematically find a girlfriend and date her while the kids and I were going along in our daily lives. What would you do if your wife came to you and said "Hey, I'm in a stable relationship with Bob. I'm leaving you for him." Would you wish her well and offer her a congratulatory hug? I doubt it. You'd say, 'WTF, you dated while you were with me? How the fuck can you live with yourself?' And if you didn't say that, then I would say that you weren't that invested in the relationship.
I'm not asking anyone to pick loyalty over happiness. I am asking them to be an honorable adult and have feelings and concerns for someone else other than themselves. Don't set up your new life while your old life has no clue and then is left to pick up the pieces when you walk out. And if you're not able to do that, then you probably have a personality disorder or you're an asshole. Most likely both.
I don't know what's wrong with that darn poll. I took it off. Thanks for letting me know.
I appreciate your comments Colin.You do make me think. Am I wrong to be so mad and disgusted at my husband? I don't know. Every time I look at him I see a pile of lies and that's a pretty hard image to overcome.
I should have said, "There was a moment where your husband was unhappy enough that he felt that gambling away his loyalty was worth it for what he perceived as possible happiness". The googley-eyes for the new girl only last so long, probably ending whenever he starts noticing she's an actual human female who isn't that different from the other human females. The fantasy stage is usually only a few months worth of long contact.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a religious guy, but the reason they put those commandments in there wasn't so that church folk would have more ways to look down on other people. Doing that stuff fucks up your life usually, not because, 'hey, vulnerable 20-something with a hot body I'm gonna hit that and why not YOLO', but because drama is fun only when it's on TV happening to somebody else.
To be a betrayer, you have to have something to betray. If your relationship isn't working and you both agree it's over then I'd say that's a different situation entirely.
If my wife did hook up with Bob from Accounting, I think the primary feeling would be disappointment. Especially when you consider that her first marriage went about the same way that yours did; Bob would have to be wearing a nice pair of pants.
I'm not a very forgiving person by nature and I'd just skip the counseling deal after an affair. If you're dating me (or married to me) I make it clear that's how I roll, and I'm willing to cut you out and move along. I would expect the same treatment in reverse as I believe that's how things should work. (Note: I don't keep a spreadsheet with everything you've ever done that made me mad, I'm talking big deal stuff here) I was cheated on once by a not-so-serious, and after a few weeks I had rebuilt my pizza box fort and moved along. Obviously, it would take longer with my wife because she is also my best friend and we spend almost every moment of our free time together, but I'm too pragmatic to get super-amped ragey. It would be different if we had kids, for sure, because you can't actually move on from the person you genetically-replicated with.
I guess I look about it like this. If you've gotten to the point where you're trying to "fight for your wife/husband" then the game's already over. There's something really missing in your E-harmony compatibility profile and you won't ever be able to change enough to fill it. I'm not even sure it's worth changing for somebody else at all, because it's tough to like (or love) a poser. I like to think I found somebody where that's not the case (It Couldn't Happen To Me!!!) but it's tough to predict and humans are generally naively unaware.
I like your blog, Kay, even though it's probably weird for a married dude to post on one of this sort. I saw your post on HP (I only read it for the articles...lol) and thought it was interesting how open you were about your experience, as well as how well written your posts are. It's not in my personality to fake flirt online but it is a shame I didn't use the Call Me Maybe deal. Also, consider the primary audience and yeah.
You aren't wrong to be mad and disgusted with him, there's a lot of ick factor involved and I'm surprised you have only mentioned the disgust briefly. Everyone does it differently, so whatever you think is helping is what you should do. My advice would be to find more video games to play and spend some time getting wasted with your friends that the husband didn't like. Maybe start writing a book about him because it works for Taylor Swift. Eventually you could start looking for a new boy to spend time with who isn't broken, but I wouldn't rush it. It can be fun to be single/selfish (with the understanding that you take care of the kids too).
-Colin
Fortunately my pizza box fort (love that) is the home of my two dearest treasures. Having the pizza box fort kicked in by Daddy makes him no better than the homeless person who lives under the bridge and yells obscenities at you as you drive by. (I guess I associate pizza boxes with homeless people.) Worrying about rebuilding those boxes with two little ones watching is a little scary and moving on seems challenging.
DeleteIf the primary feeling you have if your wife screwed someone else, Colin, is disappointment then I think I'm kind of sad for you. Disappointment is what you feel when you get the wrong cookies from your local Girl Scout. If envisioning your wife doing the nasty with someone else doesn't cause you immediate rage and betrayal than I want to know what kind of happy pill you're taking. I'm a practical person. Never did drugs (not once), worked two jobs in college, hardly drink, rarely do anything that I will regret because I think about the consequences (except the dog I adopted behind my husband's back, my bad. But I really didn't think she'd eat his hat which would lead to an affair.) I'm practical but when I found out that my husband had been a little too liberal in spreading his wealth, hurt outweighed the practicality and I bet hurt would outweigh any other emotion for you as well.
Tonight as I watch my kids dance to music and then tuck them into bed after reading a Star Wars book for the millionth time, I feel sorry for my husband that this wasn't enough to make him happy. His loss.
Thanks for your insights into the male psyche. The last time I visited there was pretty disturbing. A man that can read my blog (and comment!) and talk about Taylor Swift is alright.
Kay hang in there. Sometimes there are no signs. Some marriages are good. I was completely caught off guard. My cheating husband (CH) never let on that he was unhappy. We are still having sex, vacationing, leading a very active social and family life. He was literally Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde. I think your husband was that way too?
ReplyDeleteSomething is broken in them. And they don't know how to show it to you. So they turn to someone else. As my husband said, "It was just easier to be with her. She never had any standards."
WTF?! So I get punished because I held him to a standard. It's not fair. It's not right. Cheating is never the answer.
Its not about romance novels or delusions of fairy tales. We promised to uphold our vows. I look at this as my "for worse" part of the vows.
What signs were we supposed to see? You were raising a family, taking care of a home... taking care of him. He's a grown ass man who should have talked to you first. In my case my CH has admitted that, "I should have opened up to you not to her." It's bullshit they made stupid, selfish, immature choices with a bad person who is just as broken as they are.
We were not ignorant. WE WERE LIED TO. WE WERE DECEIVED. And none of it is our faults. It's ALL their fault. Its the fault whore who knew he was married. All we can do is try to heal. Some CH's want to heal. Some do not. Mine took 9 months before he realized had majorly fucked up.
I might not be perfect but I never lied and I never cheated. My life was and is an open book to my husband. We are trying to recover but its f'g hard. Stay strong sweetie. You are not alone and remember this is not your fault.
Flaca - My husband never said he was unhappy. In fact the week before he confessed he bought a Goddamn kayak. A kayak that I encouraged him to get because I just wanted him to be happy. I wish we had that freaking money back right now.
Delete'It was just easier to be with her. She never had any standards.' Prince Charming at his finest in that moment. If you are working on your marriage, I won't bash your husband too much though. If he realizes that what he did was horrible and awful and he's begging your forgiveness and you feel like you can work it out, I wish you all the best.
Thanks for your comment. It is reassuring to my self confidence that I'm not the only one to have the wool pulled over my eyes for so long. It's so unfair that you have to deal with the pain of betrayal and of feeling like a fool.
I LOVE Colin's second comment. I have been treated very poorly in the relationship prior to my current boyfriend. He has helped me pick up the pieces and put me back together. He is 10x's the dad to my daughter than her lying, conniving, abusive cheat of a father is. I have put a LOT of faith and trust in him and would be disappointed if he were to be not only unfaithful, that I could maybe deal with, but if he were to lie to me. I would be disappointed more than anything I think...
ReplyDeleteKatrina I'm glad to hear your boyfriend is a good guy. Everyone deserves to be treated well in a relationship, don't settle for less.
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