Memorial Day & Honor

Happy Memorial Day to all the men and women who sacrifice so much for their country. My husband is career military. I've been a proud military wife for 15 years and was a proud military girlfriend for three years previous to that.

Memorial Day is a pretty big deal in our house. Every year (when my husband wasn't deployed) we would go to the parade in the next town over. We would pack up the car with the kids and tell them about why this day was so special. They learned from an early age that Daddy had an important job. He fought for his country.  I don't know how many times my kids would say proudly, "My Daddy protects people in America. My Daddy is a soldier." If we saw someone in uniform at a store, the kids would say, "Just like Daddy, Mommy!" Some years my husband would march in the parade and we would proudly stand on the sidelines watching for him to walk by. We'd wave excitedly and the kids would yell "Hi Daddy!" Other years we would all sit together and wave at his fellow soldiers who marched by. My kids would climb on the howitzer outside the armory and they'd vie for candy thrown into the crowd. I have many fond memories and the photos that accompany them from those parades of years past. 

Today the kids asked about the parade and I said no, we wouldn't be going this year, we had to visit Grandma in the hospital. But I was really thinking that Daddy's new girlfriend lives in the town where the parade is and I didn't want to run into them. I'm being paranoid, I thought, there's no way he would parade (heh heh parade) his girlfriend at the parade. The parade where we used to sit on the front lawn of the armory with all the other proud military families. The parade where friends gather to watch, where coworkers and acquaintances wave to us as we walk by to find a place to sit. My community is a small town and you run into people you know everywhere. 

The kids and I didn't go to the parade. Instead I took them to a carnival and then we went to visit my mother in law in the hospital. While we were at the carnival, a friend texted me and said that she had seen my husband at the parade with a woman. A woman matching the description of his girlfriend.  "Tall, poufy red-headed and fugly. Looked bitchy too." I laughed when I saw the description. Yup, that's her from the one photo that I had found of her. My friend said that she couldn't believe that he had the nerve to bring his girlfriend there. Committing adultery in the military can get you brought up on a UCMJ charge. Something that my husband made me aware of when he told me about his affair. I could lose my job, he yelled, you better keep your mouth shut. As much as I'd love to get him fired from his job, my practical side wins out because I like money. And if he doesn't have a job, the money disappears. (Too bad it works like that, huh?) Funny how I'm worried about him losing his job but he doesn't seem to be now. My friend continued on with her description, "She's taller than your husband with thick curly red hair. How can SHE live with herself. BITCH. I wanted to run her over but I thought that I should probably act more mature than that. It just made me sick." Have I said yet how much I love my friends? 

The fact that my husband gave no thought to my children when he decided to attend the parade with his 'lady friend' makes me so sad. He knows attending is a tradition with us. I could have easily been there with our 6 and 9 year old kids. They have no idea that Daddy left us for another woman and I don't want to have that conversation anytime soon. What the hell does it feel like not to give a shit about your children anymore? To be so wrapped up in yourself to have no regard for anyone else? I feel guilty when I step on a bug outside. I feel bad when I have to tell the school that I just had surgery for a kidney stone and no, I can't do the school newsletter this week. I feel bad when I say no to my children a little too firmly when they ask for a candy bar at the store for the fiftieth time. I can't imagine doing something that could be so confusing to your children that they would remember for the rest of their lives how they ran into Daddy and his girlfriend at their favorite parade. 

Instead of feeling anger, I'm sad, really really sad. I wrote my husband a text and informed him that someone saw him there and thank God that I hadn't taken the kids and oh by the way, I hope you lose your job and it's going to be nobody's fault but your own. (Well, okay, I guess I am a little angry as well as sad.) My husband hasn't responded yet. That's his way of dealing with anything to do with the kids and the divorce now. Ignore it and it's not there. 

Honor. I think that's a word that my husband needs to look up in the dictionary. He seems to have lost his way. In my opinion, he's not fit to wear the same uniform as the honorable men and women who fight for this country every day and deserve to be recognized and remembered on this important day.