When I'm feeling blue, I like to imagine my husband looking for his happiness. Is it in his crappy apartment? (I actually haven't been in his apartment, I just visualize it being on par with a college frat house, beer posters and all.) Is his happiness with his skanky whore? Is it under the table that we would have thrown out but we were too lazy and now it's found space in my husband's home? Is it under the scratched up coffee table that he took with him? All likely places for happiness.
I know where his happiness wasn't - with the wife that told him 4,875 times that she just wanted him to be happy so by all means take that bike ride, visit that friend. His happiness didn't reside with his two children who can bring a tear to my eye just by slipping their hands in mine and saying I love you mommy. His happiness wasn't with the big fluffy dog that he didn't want who greets him joyfully at the door and jumps up ecstatically on him trying to shower his face with kisses as he wraps his arms around her and buries his face in her fur. (I know he likes her.) His happiness wasn't in the home that displays photos of our kids on every wall, their presence apparent in every room, a toy here, a toy there, a stray sock under the bench. His happiness didn't exist among our shared friends, our intertwined families.
Since my happiness resides in all of these places, I must accept that he really did me a favor by walking away*. Our happinesses don't align, and I bet he will always be on the eternal search for his and I'm the lucky one, I've already found my happiness.
*I still fucking hate him though. Especially since I believe I have food poisoning and had to walk around hunched over to make the kids supper. Then laying on the couch and bemoaning how sick I was, my son asked if he should get the puke bucket for me. I love my kids.
I had this conversation with my husband once when we were separated and he was driving home from work (to his mothers) or on his way to see his whore, who knows. I was watching out kids play outside in the backyard. They were then 4 and 1. In that moment I told him, "I feel sorry for you. You had happiness and you didn't see it. You think you will find 'happiness' with her at some dark bar, in a dirty motel room or even on luxury vacation with her. But that's not happy that's just hiding. I get to see our kids grow, laugh, dance in the kitchen, squeal with delight & awe at bugs...everyday. I have always had my happiness. I don't need to find it in someone else. I don't need to hide my true self to trick myself into being happy."
ReplyDeleteI remember he was just quiet when I said that. They he was sorry that he didn't see what I saw. Yet he didn't end his affair. We did not reconcile until months later. I don't know that he'll ever know what I meant. He does all the right things now but it hurts that he just didn't see what I saw. What he was throwing away for 'happiness.' In the fog of the affair many WS' are angry at themselves, angry at their life & angry with their spouses. They are so angry that they don't even know what 'happy' really is. I think they are just hiding and that's not being happy.
You're exactly right flaca. You completely get what happiness is - or at least our definition of what it is. Our husbands will never get it.
ReplyDeleteHappiness is based on a person's goals. Dr. Yang isn't going to be happy with anything that keeps her away from heart surgeries no matter what sort of life it is. HER life is in the OR, anything else (house/kids/ect) was added by her significant other and has little impact on whether she is happy. I realize she's a fictional character, but I think everyone has a little (or a lot) in common with her.
ReplyDeleteGetting your own place after living in your wife's home(s) for years or decades is a huge win. There's pretty much no way to spin it as anything other than being awesome; even if you have to pick up a roommate to do it. Ditto being able to legit seduce girls again (fun as hell).
Neither of those two things is enough for anyone to be happy, I think. A loss of purpose in your life requires more than meeting the base of Maslow's triangle.
Intertwined friendships are acquaintances of convenience. If a guy moves and doesn't continue communicating with them, they aren't his friends. He's probably got stronger friendships with the ones he's playing CoD with online than any of the couples he hangs out with.
Very true about Dr Yang. I used to be a fan of that show but they lost me with the plane crash.
Delete'A loss of purpose in your life.' That's a pretty apt statement I think for what happened.
Thanks for your insights. Reading other people's comments is helpful since the one person who can answer my questions isn't very open to giving them.