Is anyone else playing the role of heroine in a love story in your own mind? I used to. It was never the great American love story, I knew that. It was more like a middle-class comfortable life story. Since my husband told me about his affair, I've been starring in a tragedy although sometimes it feels more like a sitcom. You look at your life from afar and you think - really this is it? I'd like a rewrite please if it is.
Today I'm tired. Tired of the 3's. Tired of running around trying to get everything done. Tonight I had to tell the kids that Mom was only going to be able to go to half of their games/practices tomorrow because they are playing in two different towns. 'But Mom, I want you to come to the whole thing,' they both said. That's not possible, I answered. Mommy guilt is a killer when you want to be at everything.
I'm tired of work. Yes, I'm appreciative that I have a job and a paycheck but it's so hard to concentrate. I'm actually amazed that I'm still employed since I've been phoning it in lately, when I'm actually there, that is. I've taken more time off in the past few weeks than I've actually worked. And when I am there, I'm basically just holding my seat down. An empty shell where an employee once sat. My job entails a lot of process design and when your mind is filled with other thoughts, it's difficult to focus enough to be effective.
I'm tired of being the betrayed spouse. Tired of being a soon to be divorcee. I'm tired of being hurt by my husband. I'm tired of wondering if I'm going to miss him or the idea of him. Tired of thinking and worrying about money.
I'm tired of illness. Tired of having an ache in my stomach because of the kidney stone. Tired of being tired because I walked too far that day and I just want to lay down. I'm tired of worrying about my mother in law. I visited her today for a few hours and she was so pale and worn out looking that I barely recognized her. She kept asking what organs were removed and the more I would have to answer the harder it was to hold back the tears. She was in so much pain and was so bewildered acting that I got lightheaded in sympathy. Thank God I never went into health care, I could almost pass out at the thought of human suffering. When I was 9 years old, my best friend's mother had a baby. She was telling my mom the birth story and I remember all the blood rushing out of my head and swooning. 'Sit down and put your head between your legs!', my mom yelled. (Are you really supposed to do that?)
I'm tired of living this life. But I know there's no turning back. I'm holding out for when this is the new normal and I stop looking around saying what just happened here?
So I just wrote you this really long post and then it got erased....grr here's the summation, sorry it is not as eloquent as the original
ReplyDeleteRunawayhusbands.com. 56 pages of women with stories like ours..the book is awesome too. Help me keep things in perspective and made my divorce look like a fairy tale
Check into FMLA if ou are worried about your job, 12 weeks job protection for illness like depression
Go be tried. You are allowed, you have eraned it. This is a major trauma. A new normal is in your future. When one door closes, another one opens...it is just the hallway that is a bitch. Think to yourself, the ow is stuck with someone who values hats (or a glass of wine in my case) vs love and values....yup....that is the prze she got. Some day it will be better but you have to allow yourself to feel it all and be tired if you want.
Ashley
Grrr, sorry your post got deleted. Thanks for the tip on runaway husbands! I'm going to have to buy that book. It sounds like it has a lot of good insights in it.
DeleteMy boss is very supportive thankfully. My work has been wonderful to me, through my husband's deployments and now through all this. I do love my job and my coworkers. Unfortunately right now it's just hard to be there.
Thanks for your words Ashley. They help. You're right - valuing hats and glasses of wine over love is fucking ridiculous.
I completely understand. I also went through the fear of 3's and felt at times that the emotional load was too much to carry. When this felt overwhelming, I let myself stop doing (as much as a mom can let herself stop doing!)
ReplyDeleteAny time you can, let yourself stop. Take a day off when you can, when your kids are at school - and rest. There was a day I can remember during the first months of the discovery/separation phase that I went to work and as soon as I got there, I went to the ladies room and stood in a bathroom stall crying. I couldn't stop. I remember walking up to my boss, still crying, and saying I was ill and needed to go home.
I spent a lot of time in a state of tiredness that I had never felt before. It's impossible to get through these first few months and the first months of the divorce process without both mental and physical rest. Your thoughts will make you feel exhausted. Going through the daily motions of the day will make you feel exhausted.
Whenever you can, find a comfortable space in your home (if you don't have one, create one) and go to that space to rest whenever and however you can.
Here are some resources that I found very helpful -
Baggage Reclaim (web site)
Getting Past your Breakup (book and web site)
Falling Apart in One Piece (book and web site)
How to Sleep Alone in a King Sized Bed (book)
Happens Every Day (book)
I wasn't able to read much in those first few months. My brain was too tired. My head hurt, everything hurt. But I started to read in the later months and each of these provided a calming feeling - the feeling from reading something that slowly pulls you out of the down type of mood and makes you feel like you can keep taking each small step forward. (Runaway Husbands was very helpful too)
It's small steps, not major ones. My cousin called it a marathon, not a race, and that fit. You are in this for the long haul. Take time to rest! It makes a difference, I promise. I've been there.
- Carrie
Is it wrong to say that I find comfort in not being the only one to cry in front of her boss?
DeleteI will check out those resources, thanks so much!
I'm laying down right now so I can continue the marathon tomorrow. Thank you for your words.
Praying for you and your kiddos. Hopefully the kidney stone will be dealt with soon and then it may make everything slightly more manageable, not that any of it will ever be easy in any sense of the word. I know the "I can't do this" feeling, it is terrible, relentless and all encompassing. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you. The stone pain is better today. Makes things a little easier. At least the woe is me mood has passed.
DeleteI know the feeling. Its exhausting to be strong all the time. You're doing great. You'll look back and be amazed at how you survived. And your kids will be grateful for it too. I know I too sometimes just needed time to be alone and just rest. My friends thought I was pushing them away, I wasn't, I was just pushing away the pain... I needed a break. If they can't understand that I was taking time to take care of myself then that's on them. Don't feel bad about yourself.
ReplyDeleteThanks flaca. I too needed some alone time and turned down invitations from friends. I'm starting to forge out some now.
DeleteI am almost three years out since I made the decision to finally leave the douche of a husband that I had. It does get easier and life becomes a new normal. It just takes time. File for FMLA and take some time for you and the kids. As much as it sounds like your kids are okay it is just nice to have mommy there. Find a good therapist and talk it out. Sure friends are great and the blog is wonderful to vent it out but you need someone that is just for you to help you and give you extra things to help you in the long run. Good luck! You aren't alone and you can and will make it out alive, it just takes time. The first year is a bitch!
ReplyDeleteI saw a therapist for six weeks but decided to take a break since the kids' sports were ramping up. Therapy is helpful so I will go back once the season is over.
DeleteIt's good to hear from someone three years out and know there's light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for your words.
Hi Kay,
ReplyDeleteI'm two months less two days into my own similar saga, with my wife leaving due to general unhappiness and being entirely unwilling to even discuss counseling or fixing up of any kind. No cheating involved (I think and hope and wonder), but there are two young children, and it is that aspect of your posts that touches me most deeply.
Seeing them cry is tough, especially when one parent left and has to defend their decision by convincing themselves and everyone around them that "the kids are fine."
Anyway, I'm still in that stage of grief and semi-acceptance where I'm trolling the internet from time to time, searching for stories similar to my own for no apparent reason other than that misery really does seem to love company.
So thanks for the company.
Chris
Misery does love company. I'm sorry for you and your kids that this monster has hit your family as well. I just checked out your blog. My first instinct is your wife must have been cheating. It seems like spouses rarely leave without having their Plan B in place. But I might be a little jaded.
DeleteSeeing how the divorce affects the kids is the hardest thing to swallow. I heard 'the kids will be fine too.' Such a selfish statement. I'd chew off my own arm before I caused a minute of hurt and sadness for my children. Hard to believe someone can do something so horribly painful and just brush it off with 'kids are resilient'.
Thanks for your company Chris.
I am 6 months out. It was only in the last month that I began to have some relief (in that I didn't have to pop into the bathroom and sob into a towel several times a day). There are still days that suck but I keep telling myself that it is unlikely that it can ever suck as bad as it did at the beginning. Maybe that's some comfort to you. Someone told me, "if you need to lay on the couch, do it for a bit and then get up and keep moving...if you need to break things, or eat a pint of ice cream (or not in my case), do it and then keep moving." This is a physical trauma as well as an emotional one. I actually had a day recently where I didn't catch myself muttering horrible things and filthy words under my breath at all. I wish this for you, and better things to come for both of us.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could fast forward to six months. I've had a few days where I didn't mutter horrible things under my breath. But those were the days I was in agony on the couch with the kidney stone. Once the pain dulled, I was back to muttering obscenities about hoping he eats shit and dies.
DeleteThank you for your encouraging words. I know/hope it will get better.