No School

<ring> My cell phone chirps as I'm sitting on the toilet at 5:50AM checking all the divorce blogs. (Isn't that what every newly betrayed spouse does with her free minutes?) I recognize the number, it's the kids' school. It's too early for a call saying one of them is sick so the only thing it can be is school is closed. Yup, due to flooding. When you look around and the only other adult you see is your own reflection in the mirror, the question about who stays home remains unspoken. Work - I won't be making a guest appearance today. I'll see you when I see you after my surgery next Tuesday. 

Being a single mom is hard work. I know I'm preaching to the choir but there's never enough time in the day. I should be used to it by now since I've pretty much always felt like a single parent. Between my husband's deployments, work schedule and apparent disinterest in being part of the family, it's typically been the kids and I. Why I accepted that I don't really know. I guess I felt like he worked hard and deserved some time for himself. Or maybe I thought it was just easier to not have him be there because I could sense he didn't really want to be anyway. 

Last night my daughter asked me to help her with her homework as my son said that he had to read to me. For a moment I got annoyed and resentful. And then I thought, it's not a job to take care of your children, it's an honor and a privilege. My husband yelled something in one of our last rounds of arguments before we went the mostly no contact route. He screamed, 'You've already won!' At the time, I thought - won? What, a thousand pounds of heartache? Won the loss of my husband? Won the probable loss of my home? But now I know that I have won. I've won in having the children mostly with me. I've won from the look in their eyes every night when I tuck them in and say goodnight. I've won when they walk up to me and squeeze me tight. I've won when they say something silly or so sweet that my heart aches. I've even won the nights when there's too much to do and I have to help them with their homework. There's always the two hours after the kids' bedtime to sit down and rest. 

* Tonight my daughter is spending the night at a friend's house. I asked my son if he misses her. 'No,' he said, 'but I miss Daddy.' <knife to my heart> I let him stay up an hour past bedtime to watch a movie and we snuggled on the couch. I dozed off and I felt him get up and get a blanket and put it over me. My kids slay me with their amazing caring hearts.