Going through a divorce fills you with melancholy. Holy shit, that stuff is deadly. Tonight as I was climbing the stairs I swore I could smell my husband's aftershave. This was really striking to me because he never really wore any. What the hell am I missing? The smell of him? And then it occurred to me that I will never hear him snoring again and I got a little sad. Seriously, you know you're romanticizing your previous relationship if you think you're going to miss your husband's snoring.
Okay, what other crazy crap am I going to dream up that I will miss? Watching Fox News or The Military Channel every night? I rarely got the remote and if I did, my husband would disappear upstairs to his computer or the other tv. God forbid, we watch a show I was actually interested in.
Will I miss an extra towel hanging in the bathroom? His shoes next to mine in the mudroom? How about his dirty coffee cup on the counter? His clothes in the closet? His car in the garage?
How do you force yourself to stop brooding with melancholy? Snap a rubber band on your wrist? Squirt yourself with a spray bottle? Incessantly think about each one until you're rolled into a fetal position on the floor? What I've done is create a new normal. Fill up the voids. The empty towel hook now holds a hand towel. The mudroom is overflowing with the kids' shoes which previously had been tucked away. My clothes have taken over the whole closet. The kids' bikes are now in his bay of the garage.
Any spot or space that I had been subconsciously saving for him is now filled. There's no room for him here now. Maybe there's still a little space for melancholy but I might go and buy myself some perfume and fill the house with the scent of me because what I'm missing is a figment of my imagination, just like the phantom cologne.
I love this post! The "empty space" your husband left behind is being filled with things that nourish you. Buy that fabulous perfume and anoint your reclaimed space :)
ReplyDeleteFay
Thank you! More empty space today. Literally. He moved his stuff out. Sadness is telling your children that Daddy took the couch in the living room.
DeleteMine is still taking stuff a year and a half later. That rose plant I thought he gave me for my birthday; well today he decided it will look better on his deck, apparently. It all just feels so...invasive.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, he took your rose plant? What an ass. It does feel very invasive. My father was upset that he took anything. I said well, 50% is his. My dad said based on morality he should take nothing. Well since I don't think my husband has any morals that's not going to make a difference.
DeleteIt's no better from a guy's point of view. Because she left, I've got the house full of everything we own; I can only assume the weekly requests for me to pack this or that for her and bring it when I pick up or drop off the kids will continue for the next year at least.
ReplyDeleteShe even sneaks a few kitchen items out the door every time she's here.
The funny thing is, most of it I'd never use or need, and she's genuinely welcome to it. It's just watching it all slowly leave me that's so painful, I think - goodbye, food processor! :)
Oh Chris, that's like a slow drain on your soul to have to see pieces of your house disappear. Separation/divorce is like letting go a million times. Why can't it be just like an amputation and it's over and done with?
DeleteFood processor? My husband can have ours too. I'm an unimaginative cook, I can't imagine ever making use of that appliance.